DJaying crack

I almost impulse bought more DJ equipment this weekend. Not that I need it, I haven't played a club in over five years. But man, when I saw that equipment, I almost dropped $600.

You see, DJaying is like Crack.

First, it’s an expensive habit. Just buying the equipment to start out is freaking outrageous. Then the music is expensive since you have to buy more and more and more songs. The only time it is financially rewarding is if you start playing out and get paid to play, then you become the crack dealer I suppose.

Second, it’s addictive. When you start playing shows and clubs you get a buzz, you’re making the crowd move. There is nothing like the feeling when you have the ultimate mix of songs perfectly beat matched and the party is jumping and dancing. You want that feeling more and more all the time. Plus, even playing at home is addictive. You crave the feel of vinyl on your fingers, the beat, the perfect mix, the scratching (not from DJ disease, but cutting up your favorite songs. Might I recommend EPMD’s “You’re a Customer”).

Third, it’s really bad for you. You stay out late all the time, you’re drinking, you’re eating bad food, you’re surrounded by smoke, you might end up with some groupie… that brings up…

Fourth, it can lead to bad relationships. You meet all sorts of people DJaying; groupie girls, wannabe DJ’s, MC’s and producers who are more criminals than music lovers. I had way too many run ins with these people, with dangerous results.

Because of these factors, I decided long ago that I wanted to concentrate on film making instead of music. I figured there was more money in film. Judging by my current financial struggles, I might be wrong on that one…

But still, hanging out at nightclubs sucks, to me at least. I don’t like the people, don’t like the scene, don’t like the top 40 music that you are required to play. The Top 40 song requests are what really forced me out, I hate having groupie girls come up and ask you to play some bullshit that hurts your ears.

Lately when I go out, I go to bars that play GOOD music, stuff that I like. It makes me think, maybe there is a chance that I could get a gig playing what I WANT TO PLAY. Hall and Oates mixed with Mobb Deep. Led Zeppelin mixed with Run DMC. Weezer mixed with… well you get the idea.

The problem is it takes time to dj. You have to get your mixes right, make a good CD to get some gigs, cultivate your business and work every night until 2 AM plus. Kind of takes time out of the whole writing/directing/producing thing…

I’m still undecided about making a comeback but man, that djaying crack is calling me back….

Do you want to make more money? Sure we all do....

I'm dead fucking broke.

Not that I don't have money in my account, I do (thanks to a generous 'donation' from my mom). All of that is tied up in paying bills or trying to get my ever-expanding credit card debt from shooting my movie down to national debt levels.

I've been trying to come with new and interesting ways to make money that don't require me quitting my day job.

I need a night job!

Options-

Bartending. Fun work. You get to meet new people. But it requires me to be on my feet and actually do work, sometimes lifting kegs and cases of beer. Plus long late nights when I should be at home sleeping. Fuck that retarded shit.

Cat burglary. Now that's an exciting part time job. You get to break and enter, look really cool in the all black outfit, like some sort of French poet or something. Plus, there is a never-ending amount of valuables to 'find' in people's houses. But the downsides are getting caught and going to jail and I'm still not sure what to do after I steal this shit. Sell it out of the back of my car? Too much work, I don't want to sell shit. Same thing for pawnshops, they can trace that shit back to you. So I guess that's out.

Drug dealer. Again, exciting job. You also get to meet interesting clientele to make fun of. You never have to leave the couch but to get the door or the drugs to sell. Seems easy enough. But again, I have to sell things, which sucks. Plus, crack heads coming to your house doesn't sound that appealing. Oh, and it's illegal. I forgot about that. And you can't get high on your own supply so I guess I would be bad at it.

Stripper. Exciting. Meet lots of drunk women. Good hours and pay. Downsides, I have to work out a ton. Stripping for women is more of a funny thing for them, not a sexy thing. "Look at that guy shaking his dick around. I'm going to pull on it and see if it hurts." Plus, I have to be naked- a lot. Which is fine at home, but in front of 25 drunk bitches... what if I get 'stage fright'. And my girlfriend would be so pissed if I were stripping. Really pissed. Super pissed. More pissed than when I stormed off because the Lions game wasn't being shown on TV. But that pay is soooooo good. Hmmmmm.... I might have to consider that one.

Blood Donor. Not nearly exciting, unless they take too much blood. Great hours, shitty pay. Doesn't require much effort, if you even consider sitting in a chair effort. But I hate needles. And getting the blood drained out of me just makes me want to eat, which would take my paltry wages and spend them on tacos. That’s not exactly the financial influx that I am looking for.

Cat Groomer. How much do cat groomers make? I guess I don't really know... what does that exactly entail? Don't cats hate getting wet? Is there a way to dry clean a cat? Do I need special equipment for this process? That costs money. Fuck, I don't even like cats. Bad idea.

Erotic Masseuse. Great money. Short hours. But I don't know if I'm ready for the 'happy ending' part. Where would I set up shop, West Hollywood? Dayn's house? Plus my hands cramp easily. I can barely jerk myself off. And then there is the whole totally gay thing. I guess that's out.

Well, I haven't come up with shit. The closest thing I have to an option is cat burglary. Although stripping might work. Do you all have any suggestions?