Random Notes from the man himself

Here's some thoughts I've had this week-

-Big up to all my people who came through for my birthday! It was a great time. My wonderful girlfriend set up this big surprise party at the bowling alley and tons of people flew in, drove etc from other spots in the world to be part of the event. Its strange, I don't feel that much older but I'm on the other side of the 30 mark now. It actually feels good. I'm ready for the new changes and challenges that being older brings.

-I've started work on my first 'real' script gig. Its a girls volleyball movie, not exactly my natural forte but I've got a good grip on it and a new way of telling the same old sports movie. It should be a fun romp and if it ever makes it to the screen, I hope I'm there for the casting of tons of hot 18 year old girls. Good times.

-My boy is having trouble with his terrible, slacker, free loading roommate. This roommate doesn't have a job, refuses to help on bills and is making my boy go thousands of dollars in debt. But if my boy kicks his roommate out, that roommate will be homeless since he has no family, friends or money. Sucky times.

-The NBA draft is tomorrow and I'm pumped. Holy crap, if the Suns don't do something to make this terrible team better, I'm going to kill someone. That someone is Steve Kerr and the Suns owner Robert Sarver. (can you get arrested for an ideal threat on a blog?)

That's all for now, got to get to work on this script!

Balls or the worst parts of being a man

Women have complained for years about all the terrible things associated with being a female- birthing, menstruation, bras, menopause, high heels and having to watch Sex and the City and pretending that its not pretentious mindless garbage.

Well, men don’t have it easy either ladies. We have balls. BALLS. They’re useless, besides holding semen, teabagging and the sound they make when you’re having sex. They get twisted, sweaty, itchy, and they look like some sort of diseased growth of leprosy.

Have you ever sat on your balls? It fucking hurts right? If you wear boxers, you might just plop down on your boys at the Dodgers game if you’re not ready for the way the seats fly upward like a jet fighter. Then it’s pain time. And girls have no concept of that pain. Take that titty twister I just gave you and multiply that by 65.

And Blue balls! Don’t get me started on blue balls. Imagine that you’ve ate nothing for a week, your stomach is eating itself cause your so damn hungry, you sit down in front of a buffet of the best Mexican food and just as you’re about to eat... BANG! Someone hits you in the stomach will the mallet twenty times and pulls you into another room, away from the food until the next time the food gets horny... wait I think I mixed my metaphors... ah well.

Its not just the balls ladies, guys have other things to worry about. Let me run them down for ya.

Women. I think this one is pretty self explanatory. I would get into the particulars but my girlfriend will get brought up and then I might have to find a new roommate again for the fourth time this week. If you don’t understand, you’ve a) never dated a woman before b) never had a mother c) grew up in a bizarro land of the All Men.

Man Period. Women complain about their periods. I understand and empathize. Not sympathize, empathize because men also have periods. Granted, we don’t have to wear tampons but we also have them. Everyone goes through a period of low of hormones that cause them to have some pissy mood swings. So there ladies!

Chivalry. I don’t mind opening doors and pulling out chairs for women but having to pay for everything sucks. My bank account is a living sign of this problem.

Hair. Having hair everywhere blows and it makes it about 20 degrees hotter. You ladies try wearing a fur body suit during the summer.

Sports. Yeah ladies you think that we love sports. We all do... generally. But God forbid you’re like my old roommate who didn’t like sports that much. Anytime he met a dude, the conversation would turn towards sports and he had to pretend he knew what he was talking about. Sports knowledge and upkeep is a fulltime job and if you slack and even take a week off, you run the risk of being considered an outsider.

So you ladies don’t have it that tough. Trust me, a representative of guys everywhere.

Staring down the barrel of 30

Tired bored kitty cat... just like me. Except I'm not a cat.

Hello gang! So I missed a bunch of entries last week but I had the worst flu/cold/shitmypants disease. Man, it sucked. I was completely out of it. I slept for 4 straight days and didn’t do anything but cough up brown and green boogers and polish off a bottle of Nyquil. Bad times.

It’s a sign that I’m dying slowly. Okay maybe not dying but I’m certainly fucking older.

Man, where does the time go? It feels like just yesterday I was celebrating my 21st birthday, getting drunk and pulling tubes with the boys and now I’m 5 days away from my 30th birthday and I’ll I want to do is sleep. Sleep for days. Sleep for weeks. Sleep for... well you get the point.

You ever have that not so fresh feeling? I do.

Its like that song by Sublime, “Burritos”... ‘I don’t wanna go and party, I don’t wanna shoot the pier, I don't wanna take the doggie for a walk, I don't wanna look at naked chicks and drink beer...’ In fact, I have no idea what I want to do. Right now, nothing sounds exciting.

This weekend after I got over my sickness, I needed to get out of the house and do something. But what? I racked my brain and tried to figure it out. Nothing came to mind.

Where’s my passion? I have no idea. I used to be so gung ho about making it Hollywood and being the next big thing but now, it even that doesn’t seem very important to me at all. I have a big phone call with a mucky muck producer today to possibly get my very first writing assignment for money and you know what? I don’t care. At all.

Its not that I don’t care, I guess I’ve just reserved to the fact that if it works out it does, if not, well screw it I’ll work at McDonald’s.

And its not like I’m depressed. I’m actually quite happy considering everything. But I’m just blah. Maybe I need something that sounds exciting. Can you think of anything for a slowly dying 30 year old to do that would give me a boost of fun? Anything that’s legal of course... and doesn’t involve a lot of money.

wow, where has the time gone?

Blog update

So, I’ve been a terrible person and haven’t updated this thing in a long time. I guess people are reading since some of you have called and complained. Wow, you really care about my rambling bullshit? Thanks!

Where have I been this whole time? Well, I worked on this other gig for a while, as assistant to the director of Cats and Dogs 2. It was a ton of work and not a bad experience overall, but if you would have asked me during it I would have told you it sucked balls.

I finished up and went back to my office job here at the WB. Good times. Now, I only have a couple more months at this gig before I have to find yet another job. Welcome to the wonderful world of Hollywood, where people search for jobs like Barry Bonds searches for ... well... a job on a baseball team.

All my extra free time has been spent writing a script for these producers. Who knows what will happen with it... its taking me a while to complete and now they want me to put it on the back burner and write a slasher film... sigh. I don’t know what’s going to happen but if the slasher flick is going to get me a little closer to a full time writing career, I’ll do it.

So, today I am writing this slasher synopsis. Yawn.

What else is going on? Well, I’m that much closer to my 30th birthday, hooray. I’ve got my normal life with the girlfriend and the dog and the apartment and the blah blah blah... who cares right?

The important part you walk away from this thing is that I’m a slacker for not updating my blog and that there will be more coming. I promise. And they will be a lot more entertaining than this one I swear.

April Fool's Day

When I was in college, April Fool’s was my favorite day of the year. My roommate Vogel and I would play practical jokes on every single person we knew, including each other. I could write an entire book about the evil jokes we played on people... shit that might be a good idea! Ah the good ol’ days.

There is one completely evil joke that sticks out in my mind.

I told my ex that I would get her really good on April Fool’s, she told me there was no way, she could see through any attempt made. We made a bet on it then and there. I was determined to win.

April Fool’s rolled around and I played my cards right. My ex knew that it was coming, so she was on guard. Everything I said and did, she was on it like a hawk. But I was biding my time, I knew if I waited long enough, went to school, came back, she would forget.

So when I saw her later that day, I was prepared. She came up to front door on that rainy night to discover a note, sitting at the edge of my apartment door.

She walked in and handed the note to me, I opened it, read it over quickly and put it in a drawer.

The key to a good practical joke is to know some one’s weakness and exploit. My ex’s weakness was two fold; curiosity and jealousy.

She asked me who wrote the note, I told her my other ex, the girl I dated last before dating her. She asked me what it said, I told her simply, “Nothing.”

BANG! The look on her face was unbelievable. She was torn because she told me just two weeks earlier that she was sick of being jealous all the time and she was going to try to push those feelings out of her head and not bring them up.

But at the same time, here was this note, in the rain, and she didn’t know what it said. And it was from that bitch I used to date!

I went outside, pretending to check out my buddy Kyle’s new Jeep. Really, I was just letting her stew.

As we laughed outside, I pictured her opening the drawer and reading the note. Would she do it? Would curiosity kill the cat?

I walked back in and there was my ex, standing by the front door with her arm on her side, waiting not very patiently for me to get back. She said that she wanted to read the note. I told her that I would let her if she didn’t get mad.

I gave her the note and ran into my bedroom.

The note from my ex ex, which was written by me of course, slowly revealed more information as you read it, finally culminating with a big reveal of our illicit affair, the torrid things I did to her, and how much she loved me.

I heard a rustle outside my door, she stormed in the room right at me, ready to punch me in the face.

I pulled up my shirt, showing her the words “Happy April Fool’s Day” which Vogel wrote on my stomach for me earlier.

She looked at the words, stunned. Then she starting crying. A lot.

I felt so bad. So very bad. But I won! I beat her! Woooooo Hooooo!

What did I win? I don’t remember exactly. Was it worth it to put her through the emotional rollercoaster? It wasn’t at the time but after she broke my heart years later, it now feels pretty good.

Other People’s Scripts

I some how always end up getting conned into reading other people’s scripts for them.

It starts out with me saying I’d love to read their script, which I usually mean at the time. I like to see how the others live, see how others write, and see if there is anything that surprises me or that I can learn from.

It usually ends with me cursing, rubbing my eyes and wanting to blow up their scripts with a nuclear device.

I’m reading one script for a friend right now and I can’t get through it. Its supposed to be a comedy, only there are no funny. Its one super long cliché, a take on the awesome movie “Road Hogs” (I say that in jest) but if instead of being old men, they’re lame 30 year old frat guys.

Let me tell you, it reads as good as that description is.

The problem is, the kid who had me read it is super excited about it. He told me it’s super funny and gross, which it’s not either of those things.

Now I haven’t finished it but I will have to sooner or later. Then I will have to tell him about it. That’s where things get difficult.

I’m brutally honest. I would want others to be honest with me, I wouldn’t expect anything less. But most people don’t want the truth, they want people to suck their collective dicks for being so awesome. (I could go into Col. Jessup’s line about truth from A Few Good Men, or Winston Wolf’s line about sucking each others dicks from Pulp Fiction but I digress)

When they get the truth, the results vary. Some pout. Others defend their work like I would defend my basketball skills. Some just plain cry.

One time, I told me friend her new script was a disappointment. It was. Her other script I read was the best ‘non professional’ script I had ever read. This new one, it just wasn’t that good. This lead to an angry exchange between us and her leaving in tears.

The problem was that she was writing her ‘baby’. Whenever you have a ‘baby’ script, it usually means it’s a thinly veiled attempt at an autobiographical film, with names changed to protect the innocent. When you write this type of thing, its usually long winded and boring, with a very thin plot. That’s just the way it is, our lives aren’t interesting enough to write about unless you’re Ray Charles or Howard Hughes.

She couldn’t understand that fact.

Hell, I’ve read a ton of scripts like this. The worst one was a friend who wrote about her years in an abusive relationship. It was a painful thing to read, it was like being in the relationship.

If it was made into a movie, it would feel like the last 10 minutes of “Requiem for a Dream” only stretched out to about two and a half hours.

Ouch.

I here by offer my unrequested advice about writing a screenplay-

1-Don’t write about your own life. Its going to be boring, trust me. Plus, you’re going to get really hurt when people say they don’t like it, because you’ll take it that people must not like your life. Which they don’t, so suck it.

2-Don’t write anything longer than 120 pages. For people who don’t know, a page on script equals a minute of screen time on average. Therefore, 120 pages equals a two hour movie. Right now, most Hollywood movies clock in at 95 minutes. If you’re writing a 120 minute movie, you’re still long. If you’re writing a 160 minute movie, it better be the next “Saving Private Ryan”.

3-Pick a topic and stick to it. To often I read something that meanders all over the place, after introducing something as the plot, it covers everything but said plot. Bad idea.

4-PLOT! Speaking of plot, pick a movie idea with a plot. No one wants to watch two hours of people talking about shit. Everyone thinks that they have the next Pulp Fiction or Clerks, but they forget that both of those had some part of a plot to encourage that crazy zany dialog (although Clerks plot was thin at best). If you want to write a 120 pages of two guys talking, write a novel.

5-High concept ideas- I usually hate this idea but its true. Having a film idea that can be summed up in two sentences usually helps.

6-Pick something positive- I’m completely speaking from experience, write about something somewhat happy. My film is getting killed in film fests right now because of the negative, sad, and explicit content. Write a happy kids film, it will sell.

There is a ton more advice I could dole out but that’s enough for now. I need to take rest of the day to finish reading this script and figuring out a way to tell this guy his script sucks without him ending up in tears.

Lessons I learned this week

I’ve been treated to life altering lessons this past week-

1-Don’t ever think that you’ve got a sure fire plan. Sure as shit it will back fire.
2-Don’t leave your oven on after you make pizza.
3-Easter is the most overrated holiday.
4-Don’t make a movie about incest, violence and graffiti. It won’t get into film festivals. Trust me.
5-When driving with your girlfriend, don’t yell obscenities at asshole drivers who cut you off. It will only piss her off.
6-Always save often. Especially when writing a screenplay.
7-Eating nothing but jalapenos for two days straight is a bad idea.
8-If you owe money to a collector, always pay that off. Even if you want a new midi drum machine.
9-Don’t shave your dog with an electric razor unless you are sure that it has the guard clip attached snug. If you don’t, your dog will end up looking like a plucked turkey.
10-When playing golf, always bring three more golf balls then you think you will lose.
11-If you work with someone who takes three sick days a week on average, then you should get ready for a long work week.
12-Thick skin and relentless ambition is more important than talent.
13-When painting, never let your dog get close to the canvas unless you want your dog to have a butt and tail covered in paint. Especially don’t let her get back to the painting a second time after you already washed her, it will only led to your entire house being painted by your dog.
14-When poor, Ramen isn’t enough to eat, it will only make you want to buy groceries or go to Jack in the box.
15-Having Netflix is great, if you actually watch the movies you’ve rented.
16-If you write off the Phoenix Suns, they will start winning again.
17-When talking to your 5 year old Nephew on the phone, just keep saying ‘that’s so cool’ even if you don’t understand what the hell he’s talking about.
18- When you feel like you should cry but can’t, don’t listen to sad music. It will only make you feel worse.
19-If you are obsessed with your career, you won’t be happy. Take a step back and go with the flow.
20-When picking your NCAA brackets, don’t use any sort of reason. Just pick random games.
21-Postive thinking is hard as shit to do in today’s day and age. But it’s the most important thing you can do.
22-Cleaning before you have guests over is a fruitless and pointless endeavor.

I’m sure that there are more things but I can’t think of them right now. Have a great day!