Other People’s Scripts

I some how always end up getting conned into reading other people’s scripts for them.

It starts out with me saying I’d love to read their script, which I usually mean at the time. I like to see how the others live, see how others write, and see if there is anything that surprises me or that I can learn from.

It usually ends with me cursing, rubbing my eyes and wanting to blow up their scripts with a nuclear device.

I’m reading one script for a friend right now and I can’t get through it. Its supposed to be a comedy, only there are no funny. Its one super long cliché, a take on the awesome movie “Road Hogs” (I say that in jest) but if instead of being old men, they’re lame 30 year old frat guys.

Let me tell you, it reads as good as that description is.

The problem is, the kid who had me read it is super excited about it. He told me it’s super funny and gross, which it’s not either of those things.

Now I haven’t finished it but I will have to sooner or later. Then I will have to tell him about it. That’s where things get difficult.

I’m brutally honest. I would want others to be honest with me, I wouldn’t expect anything less. But most people don’t want the truth, they want people to suck their collective dicks for being so awesome. (I could go into Col. Jessup’s line about truth from A Few Good Men, or Winston Wolf’s line about sucking each others dicks from Pulp Fiction but I digress)

When they get the truth, the results vary. Some pout. Others defend their work like I would defend my basketball skills. Some just plain cry.

One time, I told me friend her new script was a disappointment. It was. Her other script I read was the best ‘non professional’ script I had ever read. This new one, it just wasn’t that good. This lead to an angry exchange between us and her leaving in tears.

The problem was that she was writing her ‘baby’. Whenever you have a ‘baby’ script, it usually means it’s a thinly veiled attempt at an autobiographical film, with names changed to protect the innocent. When you write this type of thing, its usually long winded and boring, with a very thin plot. That’s just the way it is, our lives aren’t interesting enough to write about unless you’re Ray Charles or Howard Hughes.

She couldn’t understand that fact.

Hell, I’ve read a ton of scripts like this. The worst one was a friend who wrote about her years in an abusive relationship. It was a painful thing to read, it was like being in the relationship.

If it was made into a movie, it would feel like the last 10 minutes of “Requiem for a Dream” only stretched out to about two and a half hours.

Ouch.

I here by offer my unrequested advice about writing a screenplay-

1-Don’t write about your own life. Its going to be boring, trust me. Plus, you’re going to get really hurt when people say they don’t like it, because you’ll take it that people must not like your life. Which they don’t, so suck it.

2-Don’t write anything longer than 120 pages. For people who don’t know, a page on script equals a minute of screen time on average. Therefore, 120 pages equals a two hour movie. Right now, most Hollywood movies clock in at 95 minutes. If you’re writing a 120 minute movie, you’re still long. If you’re writing a 160 minute movie, it better be the next “Saving Private Ryan”.

3-Pick a topic and stick to it. To often I read something that meanders all over the place, after introducing something as the plot, it covers everything but said plot. Bad idea.

4-PLOT! Speaking of plot, pick a movie idea with a plot. No one wants to watch two hours of people talking about shit. Everyone thinks that they have the next Pulp Fiction or Clerks, but they forget that both of those had some part of a plot to encourage that crazy zany dialog (although Clerks plot was thin at best). If you want to write a 120 pages of two guys talking, write a novel.

5-High concept ideas- I usually hate this idea but its true. Having a film idea that can be summed up in two sentences usually helps.

6-Pick something positive- I’m completely speaking from experience, write about something somewhat happy. My film is getting killed in film fests right now because of the negative, sad, and explicit content. Write a happy kids film, it will sell.

There is a ton more advice I could dole out but that’s enough for now. I need to take rest of the day to finish reading this script and figuring out a way to tell this guy his script sucks without him ending up in tears.