Top Ten Old People you would have sex with

If you had to sleep with a current old person, perhaps someone famous, who would it be.? I recently asked this question to a few friends and we got some really strange responses.

Here’s the list of top ten old people you would have sex with if you had to fuck an old person. (there are five men and five ladies, making this a bi sexual list...)



10- Ali McGraw- (70) I’ve always had a thing for this chick, every since I saw Love Story and the Getaway. She used to look like Kate Mara looks now. How does she look now? I’m not sure. But man she used to be hot and she’s still alive.



9- Harrison Ford- (66) The girl from down the hall at work loves this dude. What’s not to love, he’s been two of the most memorable characters of all time, Han Solo and Joe Gavilan from Hollywood Homicide. My friend Taryn disagrees, her direct quote “I can’t date someone who wears a gay ass ear ring.” I can understand that, he’s old enough to collect Social Security, he doesn’t need an ear ring. But apparently Taryn can date someone who has a gay ass lip piercing (inside joke at Dayn’s expense)

Also, Harrison Ford gets crazy stoned... bonus points... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nubw-MjUffA



8- Diane Lane- (43) Ok she’s not old. In all actuality, she’s only 43. 43! But every time you mention her to a guy, they’re like, “I’d bag that old ass.” Dude, she’s not that old! Why does every guy think she’s so old? I thought I would include her to make a point. She may look old, but she could be much older. Plus, she seems to be topless and getting screwed in all her movies. Good times.



7- Anderson Cooper (41) Here’s the male equivelent to Diane Lane. Chicks love this dude and think he’s old. Just because he has gray hair chicks think he’s much older and much hotter than he really is. Is that all it takes, is a little gray hair? That’s cool, I’ve got graying thin hair, I look ten years older than I am too! Love me please! Plus my girl says that this dude is gay. Sorry ladies.



6- Jane Fonda- (71) This one is for my boy Adam Bradley. He pointed her out and I have to agree, she’s still got it. I’ve never really thought she was that hot but man she takes care of herself to this day. And who doesn’t want to fuck Barbarella?



5- Sean Connery- (78) Another old ass dude who played some pretty big roles( what girl doesn't want to fuck James Bond?). Women always find him sexy. I hear he’s kind of a dick, but whatever, women love assholes. Strange to think that he was cast at Harrison’s father in Indiana Jones, yet he’s only 12 years older. Hmmmmm.



4- Audrey Hepburn- (dead, she would be 79) I’ve always had a thing for this girl. She’s so cute. Too cute... so cute it makes my penis confused... she’s like a telli tubby mixed with a porn star. But alas, she’s dead. Now I can only jerk off to her corpse (just kidding, you can get worms from doing that). But look at the picture above from 1991, she took care of herself and even looked good in old age!



3- George Clooney- (47) Again not that old but chicks think he’s super hot. And I respect him, so I have to put him on this list. Maybe I should have put Robert Redford and Clint Eastwood on this list, they’re much older... hmmmm.



2- Ingrid Bergman- (also dead, she would be 93) Being such a huge Casablanca fan, I couldn’t leave her off the list. But of course, when I went to look up her age, she’s dead, died when I was four years old. Shit, I guess this list is turning into dead old chicks I would bang. Shit. I should have put Cleopatra on here.



1- Michelle Pfeiffer- (50) Man, she’s 50? She’s the best looking 50 year old that I can remember shit. I was never a big Pfeiffer fan, I never had a boner for this chick before. But looking at her at the premiere of the 2007 shitty film Stardust, damn. I’m impressed. I did think she was pretty hot in Scarface, shit you could bang her while listening to ‘Gangsta’s Paradise’ for comic relief. That would be pretty hot.

So that was only four guys and six girls... ‘you lied to us J!’ Well, I can’t end the list with a guy, that would be gay. Secondly, I can’t have too many dead women on the list, it makes me look like a necro. Third, it’s my list, I can break my own rules.

Others who didn’t make the list- Cindy Crawford, Diane Keaton, the chick from Married with Children, Debra Winger, Dolly Parton (who looks like she’s 18 year old robot now from too much plastic surgery), Lynda Carter and Estelle Getty.

Computer Design

I’m trying to design a website for my short movie. I have all these big nerdy internet dreams for the site. You log into www.tag.com and all this cool flash intro stuff happens and then the trailer for the movie starts and stills from the movie fly at you from all angles. BOOM! You’re instantly hooked into the world of my movie.

It seems like something that could happen, right? Then I realized, I don’t know how to program that, at all. Shit, I don’t even know that much about the internet.

I once took a month long course on internet design, and I learned how to make the lamest webpage of all time. But I came out of it thinking I knew how to program a website.

Boy was I wrong. I had no fucking idea how hard this shit was going to be.

There are so many steps, so many programs and companies and urls and crap... so much stuff I don’t know!

Crap, my awesome www.tag.com is taken... I guess I have to have www.tagshortfilm.com. Does that still sound cool? I hope so. That’s my new url.

After registering my site, I am hit with like 100 other ‘options’ that are optional but sound more like ‘mandatorys’ if I want my site to not suck. All of these options of course cost MONEY.

I need to have a hosting? What the fuck’s that mean? What, I need to have Ryan Seacrest introduce my site? (just kidding I know what this shit means, I did take a month long internet course of course.)

Then I research programs that help you build your site from scratch, Dreamweaver is like a 1,000 dollars. Ouch. Fuck that. I could pay someone else that much money to do it...

So I look for other companies to build the site. After researching this, I then realize that it will cost me a fortune to have a company build a site with all the cool flashy shit I want in it.

I find one company that will help out, internet solutions for less. I talk to EJ from the company who says I could pick from a 1,000 templates and use one to customize my site. But all of the templates are strange and don’t match up to what I want to do.

Damn. I’ve run out of options. If you go to my website and your not completely impressed, I’m sorry. I had to settle for something less than my nerdiest internet dreams.

how tag came about...

I have a ton of stuff to do toady for Tag's promotional materials for film festivals. Instead of giving you all a very funny story about poop, I thought I would cut and paste the story of how the inspiration for my short film came about...

I got the idea for Tag when I was playing basketball at a local park in Hollywood.
There was a group of young Russian and black kids who were seriously hip hop; the slang, the baggy clothes, the wanna be tough guy attitude, the cliché.

It reminded me of... me. I used to dj hip hop at clubs, scratch for local hip hop acts, freestyle battle with my friends, wear all my clothes gangsta, tag up bathrooms with graffiti, get too faded and get into too much trouble.

Why did I act like that? Good question. A damn good question.

I did it for hip hop; the art of it, the community, the music, the vibe, the rebellion from my utter pasty whiteness.

It was staring at those kids that made me realize that I was no longer like that. While there are remnants of hip hop in my life, (I still love my tilted ballcap and fresh sneakers), the music, the graffiti, and the attitude are nearly gone from my life.

Why don’t I act like that now? Another good question.

Something got lost along the way. Maybe I grew up or maybe I got too old. Maybe I wanted a change. Maybe hip hop just didn’t do it for me anymore. Maybe hip hop changed.

Hip hop isn’t about the art anymore. It’s more about the commercial aspects of the music. Hip hop is more about portraying a bad stereotype. Hip hop is now about violence, misogyny, drug use, who’s gotten shot more and who’s got more bling.

I thought back to my friends Brent and Clint, who were both shot and killed in separate shootings about 7 months apart. Both were ‘gangstas’, mixed up with the wrong kids with bad intentions.

Both were trying to change their bad ways, finally turning a corner at clearing themselves of the crime, violence and self destructive behavior when they were struck down by bullets. Sometimes irony really hurts.

I wondered if any of these kids at the basketball court wanted more from their lives. Does one of them want to be something more than what they are now but are held back by their friends, their situation, their existence?

That’s why I left hip hop, djaying and graffiti to pursue film; a medium of art that didn’t hold such negative connotations.

It hit me then and there, I had to write about this!

I decided right away that I would focus specifically on graffiti instead the music of hip hop (which has been done to death).

Why Graffiti? I firmly believe still to this day that graffiti is the most misunderstood art form. I think Graffiti is beautiful; others think its trash. That dichotomy has always intrigued me.

When I sat down to write, I didn’t want to just recycle my own personal story, I wanted to craft a revisionist telling of a Greek tragedy, told through the guise of the modern hip hop community. I wanted a story with some emotional impact, a unique storytelling dynamic and visual style similar to the art I was talking about. Hopefully, I’ve come close to my intentions.

Rainy Days

Don’t you just love the rain? I do.

It’s been raining for the last four or five days straight. Sometimes its little bursts of rain, other times it’s a downpour. It reminds me of when I first moved to LA, it rained everyday for like three months it felt like. It was one of the rainiest years LA had ever seen. And I loved every second of it.

Think of all the wonderful things you can do when its raining…

-Splash in puddles. Awesome. Nuff Said.

-Write. I get my best writing done when its raining. I don’t know why, if the cold weather shakes my brain up or the rhythmic pattern of the raindrop hitting the ground sparks some creativity.

-Play guitar. Sit under a balcony and play sad slow songs. Think about all the people long gone.

-Converse. I wish I could sit at home on the patio, drink coffee and talk to Jeff Woods. Unfortunetly, I have to go to work, I don’t have a coffee maker anymore and Jeff lives in New York.

-Go swimming. Have you ever gone swimming when it’s raining? If you haven’t, I highly recommend it.

-Watch a bunch of old movies.

-Go for a wet walk.

-Play chess. That’s what I’m going to do today at work actually.

I hope it rains as hard and long as when I moved to LA, think of all the wonderful things I could do!

Unromantic Romantic Film

My friend Molly wanted me to review this romantic dramedy script that she’s writing. I went through it and came up with some notes and called her to tell her what I think of it.

Boring story so far, yes, but here’s where it gets less boring… for me at least.

Molly hit me with something I wasn’t ready for, she wants me to direct it.

While I like the script, it’s not exactly what I normally work on, a romantic comedy/drama. I’m more about dramas (aka misery) without a hint of romance. I didn’t know what to say, I didn’t think it was in my wheelhouse, to borrow a baseball term, not my forte.

But I said I would do it. Every chance to direct and not have to pay for it myself, I gotta take it right?

The more I think about the script, the more I like it.

Sure it’s a movie about romance, but not really. It’s more like the opposite of romance, what is that called… that’s right reality.

There aren’t nearly enough movies that tackle the real parts of human relationships, and if they do, its usually with a big Hollywood ending where the two people who are meant for each other but can’t seem to make it work finally figure it out and live happily ever after. This doesn’t have that basic mandatory ending, and I (aka misery lover) loves me a not perfect ending.

But here’s the predicament, I think the script still needs work. Maybe a couple drafts more. There are some serious character arcs that need to be resolved. There are a couple characters that could be flushed out. There is a great possibility for two of the supporting roles to get meatier and help the story. The dialog is too on the nose right now… etc. etc. etc.

Usually, I would just write the shit myself, but this is Molly’s baby and the whole reason she wants me to direct it is because she wants to have something she wrote made. And if I tackle helping rewriting it, then she might not feel like it is hers, which the whole thing is hers, I just want to augment that. Hmmmmm…. What do I do?

Hopefully you will see an awesome unromantic romantic film coming from Molly and I very soon.

Heath Ledger

I feel terrible about the passing of Heath Ledger.

When I was working on “Where the Wild Things Are”, his girlfriend and baby momma, Michelle Williams was cast on the film (she has since been recast). I had to pick Michelle up at the airport and drive her around for two hours. She was one of the coolest stars I have met out here so far, totally down to Earth, and easy to talk to. She had her beautiful daughter Matilda with her, it seemed like life was great for her.

During the voice recording sessions, Heath flew into LA to be with his family. He was always very chill, monotone but extremely nice, polite and courteous- even when I inadvertently got him a parking ticket.

I had to drop off something at the set and return to the studio very quickly. I pulled into the set parking lot and got out of my car. When I got back, Heath’s rental SUV was parked behind me. “Fuck, I’ve got to get this guy who just got nominated for an Academy Award to move his car.”

He was totally cool with it, ran out there with me and moved his car to the street. He of course parked in a spot where they were about to do street cleaning. I tried to tell him that he shouldn’t park there, but he just did and went back inside to play with his baby.

Of course, the studio called and said I needed to stay on set until this other paperwork was finished. I had to sit there and watch the parking lady come out and give Heath a parking ticket. I wasn’t sure what to do. I ran inside and tried to get him to come out to move again but he was on the live set, and I wasn’t about to stop production for this thing.

Once word got to Heath that his car was getting a ticket, I was hiding. I wasn’t sure if he was going to be the same nice guy. I walked around outside, trying to avoid any contact with him or Michelle.

Heath calmly walked out, grabbed the ticket and didn’t care. I’m sure he had more than enough money to pay for the ticket, but he had such a cool manner about it when I saw him later, he didn’t even mention it or look at me cross. He just said ‘hello’ in his low gruff voice and went about his business.

I always thought back to that as a sign of what a cool guy he is. Was. Damn.

Warner Bros. was a buzz with talk about the death yesterday. He just finished Dark Knight for us and we are promoting Heath and his Joker character all over the internet and movie theatres. Now, what do you do right? Do you keep going with your dark ad campaign showing Heath in a pasty ghost white makeup talking about ‘Why so serious?”

It’s scary to me that he’s one year younger than me and now he’s gone. It certainly makes you think, at any time, you could get struck down.

It’s a sad day. My regards to Heath’s family, especially Michelle and Matilda.

School Dreams

----Not pictured, the creepy new guy who looks to be almost 30 years old. But man, was he good in that High School Musical.

I had a terrible dream this morning, one I knew I was going to have. It’s a dream that I have quite often, but one that always leaves me in a bad mood.

I always have these dreams that I have to go back to school for some reason, like I didn’t finish some class I didn’t know that I had or I failed some final I thought I passed. Never the less, I’m there back in school again.

But I’m older than all the other kids by like 15 years, and everyone knows it. I ride up on my skateboard and they look at me like, “What’s the old guy doing on the skateboard?”

Then I try to go to my first class but I realize, I don’t know my schedule. I don’t know which class to go to at all. this usualy leads me to be the crazy old guy who walks around asking everyone where I'm supposed to go.

This morning, I ended up going into a class room I thought I had to go into. MATH CLASS. I hate math. I suck at math. And of course, that's the course my sleep brain wanted me to go into. Stupid brain.

So, I walk in late and everyone looks at me like I’m the old crazy guy. I can’t find a seat and then I do, by the biggest nerd in class. It’s the two of us outcasts, sitting away from the rest of the group. Every once and a while, they turn and look at us and laugh.

Most of the other times I dream about going back to school, I’m panicked because I don’t know how I’m going to graduate, that I have bills to pay that I can’t pay and I’m so behind. Or I can’t find parking and I know I’m going to be late for a class that I’m not even sure where it is or what class. Or I end up walking the halls without a hall pass, trying to find the principal’s office to get me out of this class that made me become a student again. Or I have a huge test in a class I didn't know I was even enrolled in.

LAME.

The reason why I knew I was going to have this dream was that my girlfriend had her first day of school today. She graduates after this semester, hopefully I won’t have this dream after she graduates. Although I'm pretty sure I'll have this dream for the rest of my life.

It’s weird, I knew I was going to dream about going to school, and BOOM I did. It was a self fulfilling prophecy. How come I can’t think that I am going to dream about being rich, with super strength and the ability to fly and then actually dream it?

Man that would be great. Until then, it's me being the oldest senior in high school.