Rebel Yell

I’ve had this feeling lately that I need to do something but I wasn’t sure what it is. It’s this burning sensation, and no it’s not an STD.

I need to rebel. And not rebel like getting a big ass tattoo like I did on Saturday night either.

I’m so sick of doing what I’m told. I’m sick of doing what’s expected of me. I’m sick of the responsibilities. I’m sick of society. I’m sick of my generation. I’m sick of the next generation of kids. I’m sick of America.

Everywhere I look, I see people who are completely brainwashed. What are they brainwashed by, I’m not sure. Maybe it’s the media. Maybe it’s by their parent’s views. Maybe it’s by their own expectations of what people think they should be doing. Or maybe its what they think people think they should be doing. But whatever it is, they’re brainwashed just the same.

I feel like Holden Caulfield, surrounded by phonies. Hypocrites. Superficial narcissistic assholes. And just like Mr. Caulfield, I’m one of the phonies.

I’m exactly how people think I should be. I work a job, a REAL job, not some job to give me money so that I can work on my art, no no, I need a job where I dress nice and get a leg up. I feel like I need to settle down, I’m getting older so its time I get married and have kids. I shouldn’t dress this way or that, you’re nearly 30, 30 year old’s wear slacks and dress shirts all the time.

I should compromise my artistic voice to please the masses. I should make something not because it’s the story I want to tell, but because it’s going to make money. I should sell out.

Well, fuck that. I’m done.

Everything I used to like, I’m turned off by now. I used to love Hip Hop and electronic music, now I think its stupid. I loved scratching turntables and playing drum machines, now I don’t even want to be seen with that. I loved jeans, hoodies, ball caps, Nike Dunks. Now, I wish I could trade in all of it for a new wardrobe of all black 60’s mod clothes. I used to like video games, now I wish that I never wasted my time playing them. I used to love following sports, now I feel like its sucked my productivity into the toilet. I used to love the internet, now I wish it was never invented.

I want to go back to when things were simpler.

I’ve spent a lot of time reading and researching the 1960’s and 1970’s lately, and I wish I was born 30 years earlier. Back then, art was about art, not about commerce. I could be an experimental film maker and live comfortable in a big city. Now, if I wanted to do that, I would have to take a side job robbing people to be able to make movies.

But its more than that, the people of that age didn’t give a shit about status, money, their audience’s opinion, making it big, selling yourself etc.

It was just about living and being yourself. Some where, some time, some how, that got lost.

I want to find it again.