A movie moment

Last night was the screening of Tag on the Warner Bros. lot. Man, was I nervous. I was more nervous before my screening of Jungle, my other short, in film school because that was really my first movie but this one was different. This was my first professional screening, in front of people who get paid to do movies.

I had a ton of my friends, family, cast, crew, co workers and bosses there. I had to get up there and say a few words of gratitude to everyone. I nearly broke down and cried when I thanked my parents and Steve, my boss and mentor. Man, what a baby I am.

When the lights went down and it started, I didn’t know how to feel at first. Then it hit me...

With everyone’s eyes on the screen, I felt like I was naked on the screen, not Paul the actor who has take off his clothes in a scene. Why? I guess it was my soul on the screen, my baby, something I had put the entire last year into and now it was in front of everyone, warts and all, for everyone to make judgment on.

But at the same time, it was cathartic. The process is essentially over, all except the promotion of it and the putting it out in film festivals.

That’s when the sinking dread of this week came flying to me, as I sat in the dark staring at the screen. Now its time to move onto to something else. But what? I’m not sure.

Writers block happens to everyone, but when it happens to me I break down inside. I feel like nothing I do is right, that everything I have set out to do is for shit. I feel like a poser, a wannabe, someone with no real ideas, no real artistic voice, no chance to succeed. I feel like everything I do has been done before, but better by other people who are more educated and better connected.

I know its crazy, but that’s the thoughts that run through my head when I don’t have a million dollar idea right away.

But after the credits ran, everyone clapped and seemed to enjoy the movie (or so they told me to my face). It felt good to have such a response to the film, to be surrounded by friends and family who just wanted to let me know that they appreciate the effort.

That means more to me than any film festival award.

After a few drinks at the Smokehouse with everyone, the feelings of dread, insecurity and nervousness went away. I was more nervous about the Suns losing to the Lakers. The lack of new ideas didn’t bother me, at least not during that time.

I scanned the bar, seeing my cast, crew, family and friends laughing, drinking and having a good time. It was a moment where time stood still and everything was right in the world. It was a moment I’ll never forget; a movie moment.