Top ten super powers

Have you ever wanted to blow up your roommate with your explosive powers? Have you ever wished that you could fly? Have you ever wished that you had X-ray vision so that you can see in girl’s clothes?

I have.

Here’s my list of the top ten super powers I wish I had.

10- Shapeshifting- How awesome would it be to turn into anything you can imagine? You could turn into your friends parents and scare the shit out them. Or better yet you could turn into Jessica Alba and pretend to be interested in your friends, only to pull the rug out from underneath them. Wait, is that gay? Maybe, but it would be funny as shit.

9- Duplication- Can you imagine if you could make 15 copies of yourself? You’d never have to do all the bullshit work, you could sit back and watch as your duplicates do all the work for you!

8- Invisibility- This one is obvious. You can look at hot chicks as they shower, they would have no idea. Also, you could sneak into any concert, club or sporting event, not to mention bank vaults.

7- ESP- Super mental powers. The ability to read other peoples thoughts. This one seems like a no brainer (te he I made a dumb funny). If I could read people’s thoughts, I would probably obsess over what people thought of me. Maybe this one won’t be so good after all.

6- X ray vision- More hot chick reasons with this one.

5- Precognition- the ability to see the future. This one might also be a little scary, especially if you saw when the world ends or what your future ugly ass kids look like.

4- Teleportation- No more traffic! Think about the possibilities. And fuck that Jumper movie, that whole thing should be about Hayden Christiansen being able to get to work on time.

3- Superhuman strength- It would be awesome to be my size, walk into Gold’s Gym and out lift every mutha funka in there. Imagine me on the World’s Strongest Man competition!

2- Superhuman intelligence- I would love to be the smartest person in the world. How awesome would watching Jeopardy be? Think about all things you could invent! Man, I’m such a nerd, I’m writing a blog about superpowers and I am super excited about the ability to be smart. Hmmmmm.... I’ll now retire to watch Harry Potter movies and work on my World of Warcraft (two things I don’t like, I swear!)

1- Superhuman reflexes- There, that’s better. A super power everyone can relate to. This super power would be used not for fighting crime or helping society of course, it would be used in sports. If I had superhuman reflexes, I’d be the sickest baseball player ever. You’re not getting that fast ball past me, I’m going to slap that crap all over the infield with deadly accuracy.

There you have it, a nerdy list of super powers. Now, I’ll retire to read more X-Men comic books.

Top Ten things wrong about the Grammy’s

I watched the Grammy’s last night. Its not something I would normally do, I hate awards shows. But Sarah had to watch it, so I guess I had to also.

Here’s my top ten things that are wrong with the Grammy’s.

10-Dead people performances- they take video of a dead artist (last year Elvis, this year Frank Sinatra) and have them perform with a living artist mash up style (more on mash ups later.) What? Why? They’re dead? Ummmm.... is this supposed to be cool or something? I’m confused. It turns into all star karaoke, with a backing track from the pits of hell (I’m assuming that’s where Elvis and Frankie ended up). Just strange to me.

9-Not funny intros- Who the hell are the writers for awards shows? You writers have these people trying to make little funny quips, which never work. Then it makes both presenters look very awkward as they bite their lips at the shit that they have to say. Scratch the funny unless someone has something.... funny to say. (like when people get up there and make fun of Kayne, that’s always a good time). Which brings me to...

8-Angry spiteful speeches- Kayne has to make these speeches his soap box to remind America that he’s fucking crazy, self centered and full of hate. Telling everyone about how awesome you are and how everyone else didn’t help you is always a great way to show you’re humble. Then when you finally get to talking about your dead mom ten minutes later, they turn on the hurry up music. Good job alienating all the old people by yelling at the lady who plays the music because you used your time saying how awesome you are. That’s your own fault asshole. God I hate Kayne. Speaking of which, here’s another point about these acceptance speeches...

7-Long boring speeches- It’s simple people. Get up there, thank God, your parents, record label, band mates (if you have any) and some random celebs really fast and get off the stage. No one wants to hear you drone on with names no one knows. Fuck, put all your thanks on a blog and tell everyone to go to the blog site. Bang! You thanked everything you can think of there, and it doesn’t take up everyone else’s time that doesn’t care about your friends.

6-Long ass commercial breaks- I understand that they have a lot of stuff that they have to show in one sitting, so there isn’t room for a lot of commercial breaks. But to take a couple 10 minute commercial breaks is ridiculous. If I wasn’t surrounded by people who wanted to watch the Grammy’s, you would have lost my viewership during the second of these long capitalistic brainwashings.

5-West coast feed is three hours late- The Grammy’s start at 8 PM, regardless of where you live which means on the West Coast we get a three hour late show, even if it is filmed in LA! WTF!? Some of our friends went to the show taping, and they were out at the after parties when we first turned on the broadcast. Sarah was getting all these cryptic texts from her sister, giving her hints about the broadcast. Not fair.

4-Lifetime Achievement Awards- They announce a ton of these awards, yet they are almost like an after thought. They don’t allow the people to speak and accept the award, nor do they even really show anything about them or play much of their music. They get a 30 second blurb and that’s it. The Band deserves more than just a mention. What about a tribute to them by some of their contemporizes.

3-Crack heads winning awards- When Amy Winehouse won an award for something (I can’t remember what) she looked like someone gave her a big old bowl of crack rock. Her speech was like what I would expect someone from Snatch to say, giving shot outs to her husband in jail and London. Never give a crack head a Grammy. Unless it is Flavor Flav.

2-Too many fucking awards- They have an award categories for everything you could think of, like 500 total. I think I might have won a Grammy last night but I was too bored to read it off the bottom line scroll. I guess Obama won a Grammy last night... wait what? I’m so confused now.

1-Mash ups- It seems like every year they take a couple of artists that have absolutely no connection to each other and have them perform together. Sometimes this works out, most of the time it doesn’t. Two great examples from this year’s Grammy’s- Kid Rock doing some fucking old ass song with some broad who is old enough to be his grandma (and Rock told her she’s sexy.... gross) and the Time get back together for one show and then here comes Rihannniaaaa or however you spell her name to sing with them. But she wasn’t doing old Time songs, she’s just singing her bullshit. The Time only got one fucking song together! One song!

There Grammy's, take that list and come back to next year with something much better.

Top Ten People I want to smack in the face-

You ever have the feeling that you just want to run up to someone and smack them as hard as you can in the face. I do.

I present to you the top ten people I want to smack in the face (these are people I don’t know, if I included people I knew, my ex roommate would be number one with a bullet.)



10- Britney Spears- I placed her at 10 because it’s very easy to pick on this waste of space. Yeah she sucks as a mom, performer and human being but I kind of feel sorry for her. It doesn’t mean that I’ve given up hope of smacking her in the face, I just can’t place her nearly as high on the list.



9- Mariah Carey- I’ve never liked this chick. Yeah she’s got an okay body, if you’re into big titties. But her voice is annoying, her high note screeching is like finger nails on a chalk board. And she so full of herself, I can’t stand it. Plus, have you seen Glitter? That’s reason enough to smack the shit out of her.



8- Amy Winehouse- I actually kind of like her music. But this bitch is crack crazy. And she looks like a tranny. She could easily pass for any man dressing up like a woman on Santa Monica. And her cracky face is every where. Smack smack!



7- Colin Farrell- Talk about smug assholes. This guy couldn’t act his way into a third grade play yet he’s always working. Have you seen Miami Vice? I wanted to pick up Jamie Foxx and smack Colin across the head with him. Plus he’s fucking dick to every fan, at least that’s what they say. And you know that they never lie.



6- Dr. Phil- This guy has all the answers apparently. He knows everything. Don’t question his authority, he’s too smart for that. He’s going to fix your problems and mine and everyone else’s. You know what you could fix Dr. Phil? You could fix me a sandwich. That would be a better use of your time.



5- Kirsten Dunst- Why does this chick keep getting work? Tell me one thing that she does that’s good? She’s ugly, can’t act, can’t stay sober, can’t dress herself, etc etc. I really wanted her to die in Spiderman 1, 2 and 3. Thank God she’s not going to be in any more Spiderman movies (not that I will watch anymore of them anyway).



4- Kobe Bryant- Rapist. Braggart. Overrated. Thinks he’s God’s gift to basketball and women. Smack the shit out him until he’s unable to play the rest of the season (and the Suns win the championship!)



3- Paris Hilton- Do I have to explain this one?



2- Ann Coulter- If you don’t know who this chick is, thank the Lord above you don’t. She’s the most annoying political analyst of all time, she makes Rush Limbaugh seem as likeable as Morgan Freeman. She makes outrageous claims that she can’t back up, picks fights for the sake of publicity, and says shit just to get people riled up, even if it doesn’t make any sense.... speaking of which...



1- Stephen A. Smith- ESPN’s very own asshole. This guy and I have a personal history. He guest hosted a show I was working on and he did everything he could to become the biggest dickhole in the world. The muthafucka can’t read!!!! And he blamed it on me!!!! Fuck this guy up his stupid ass with a tuba. Not only is he illiterate and a jerk, he just yells and yells when there is no reason to. It’s like that scene in Austin Powers where he can’t control the volume of his voice. Only it’s not a temporary side effect, its permanent. And even more annoying.

FUCK STEPHEN A SMITH!

There is the list, if you see any of these people, let me know. I’ll be there in a jiffy with a weighted glove, ready to knock some jaws off.

Shaqqqq

Oh my God! Why God Why?

The Phoenix Suns have traded for Shaquille O’neal, one of the slowest, plodding, oft injured, potentially washed up players in the NBA. Steve Kerr, the Suns GM has essentially given this team a two year ‘all or nothing’ window to get a championship or become a rebuilding team filled with old players.

As I have stated in the past in this blog, I think Shawn Marion should have been traded back in October. He is a terrible malcontent, more worried about his money and his numbers than winning a championship. To me, good riddance bitch. Don’t let the door hit your whiny ass on the way out.

But why trade Marion and his high flying, fast play that fits the Suns run and gun offense for a guy who has a terrible hip problem, an enormous contract and can’t run with the Suns?

I have a couple of justifications for it, even if I don’t necessarily believe them.

1- Shaq can match up against the bigs in the West during the playoffs. Since there are more and more big guys coming to the West (fuck the Lakers and their Pau Gasol trade), they need to find someone to match up. Amare Stoudemire isn’t the answer, as he gets into foul trouble playing at center, when he should be guarding power forwards, if he can guard anyone.

2- Shaq has been faking his injury this year so that he didn’t have to play on the worst team in the NBA. This would make sense considering Shaq plays for the post season and doesn’t give a crap about the regular season. Since the Heat weren’t going to the playoffs, why play at all? I’d sit and collect 20 million a year if I was on that team. Plus, I heard he was in a fight with Pat Riley and didn’t want to play for him anymore.

3- Shaq always plays better for one year after he gets traded. Shit, he won a championship the year he was traded to the Heat, and the year after he was traded to the Lakers if I’m not mistaken.

4- We got rid of the locker room cancer that is Shawn Marion. He was causing such a divide in morale that getting him out of there and putting in a vet who can calm egos is huge.

5- We got rid of the albatross contract of Marcus Banks, who should have never been signed in the first place and is just taking up cap space on the team. He never played to his potential since he arrived, and wasn’t going to sniff any playing time. Fuck him, get rid of him.

6- If we get a championship, just one championship out of Shaq, then its all worth it. Right? I guess that’s the big if.

The question is now, can the Suns make it through with Shaq at about half of his already slow speed? I don’t think so personally. But I guess it is worth a shot, even if it means taking the biggest gamble in recent NBA history.

There is no middle ground in this trade, it’s a huge reward or a huge bust. Who knows, maybe Shaq comes to Phoenix with another chip on his shoulder and plays lights out. If that’s the case, then this trade was just the thing the Suns needed. If not, then it was one of the biggest gaffs in team history. Only time will tell. Until then, I can just beg God that Shaq loses 45 pounds. Please God?

Super Tuesday

------"Super Tuesday! Yeah!"

As you may or may not know, today is Super Tuesday, the day that 24 states plus America Somoa vote for the presidential primary.

I haven’t been this pumped up to vote in a long time. I ran around all morning yelling, “Super Tuesday!”

Taryn thought that a marketing team invented the fancy term Super Tuesday this year to get young people to vote. No Tayrn, according to a quick wikipedia look the term Super Tuesday has been around since the 1984 elections.

I got up extra early and went with my friend Taryn to vote at the local elementary school. As we walked up to the front office, I felt like a parent going to a student teacher conference with my estranged baby momma walking slowly in her high heels behind me.

Luckily, as soon as someone saw us, they pointed for us to go to the voting area. I guess we don’t look like parents after all!

Inside, I went straight to work. I was first in line and banged right through my ballot. Man do I feel accomplished!

I made sure to vote to make sure the Native American casinos pay taxes. My mom has given enough money to these people, its time they start giving some back.

I voted for some other stuff, like lower the city sales tax on cell phones (at least that’s what I think it is... hmmmm I should have researched that one better.)

And last but not least, I voted for Barack Obama. Why? It was tough decision for sure. I honestly went back and forth between Obama and Clinton all month. I finally settled on Obama because I want a new take, a fresh view on politics. He may not have the experience, but he certainly has the charisma and ‘audacity of hope’.

I’m not sure if he can win the nomination, but whoever does and eventually wins the presidential election will be a fresh change after 8 years of Bush (that sounds like an epic porno title.)

But until they figure it all out, I can enjoy the excitement of today and yell out ‘Super Tuesday!’ to everyone I see!

Get off the ledge Pats fans

“It is completely unnecessary to suffer several days’ emotional devastation just because your team loses some big postseason deal like the Super Bowl. Why on Earth would you place your happiness and peace of mind in the hands of several dozen strangers? Listen, folks, if they win, fine; if they lose, fuck ‘em! Let ‘em practice more. As for you, for Chrissakes find something to do! Get your ass down to the massage parlor and spring for a blow job,” - George Carlin.

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Yesterday was one of the best Super Bowls of all time. It had all the heart tugging tension, last minute heroics and interesting story lines of a football movie. It was David versus Goliath. I think most of America wanted David to win.

But what about those Goliath fans out there?

Yeah, if you’re a Patriots fan, you must heartbroken I’m sure. The thoughts of an undefeated season and the history books are gone (even though you will still be in the history books as the team that fucked up, which probably hurts more than anything.)

But you can’t commit suicide because they lost.

If sports have taught me anything is that life is way too short to worry about how you lost. I guess that has to do with the teams that I cheer on. If you’re a Lions fan, you also would stop caring if you won or lost. You’d just be happy if your team didn’t draft a wide receiver in the first round for the tenth straight year.

But if you are from Boston or the New England area, you’ve built yourself up as this unstoppable sports fan. You’re Sox just won the World Series, you’ve put together a powerhouse with the Celtics and you’re beloved Pats are undefeated errrrr... was undefeated.

What’s the phrase, never get to high or too low? Is that it? Or is it, don’t get to full of yourself. Or, don’t think that your shit don’t stink...

Say what you want about the game, the players, the injuries (was Brady’s boot the cause of this?), the hoopla and the hype- fuck all of that. It doesn’t matter. That’s why they play the game. You might look like the best team on paper, but if you’re not the best on the field, than who cares.

If you feel like there is no chance to lose, then you probably are going to lose. And if you do lose after being full of yourself, don’t beat yourself up. Give a day and then get over it. Go get some clam chowda’ and go down to ‘Ha’vard yahd and beat up some smaht kids.’ That always seems to make Matt and Ben happy.

Weekend review

Hey gang! Here’s a quick weekend preview/week wrap up, I’ve got to et back to creating a website. (Fuck me I hate programming a website!)

-First off, LOST. Last night had me super amped up, like the first day of the football season (aka the only time the Lions seem like they could make the playoffs). The episode didn’t disappoint, there was a lot going on and a lot more questions presented to us. Can’t wait for the next one.

-Speaking of which, please take care of this strike guys! I read an article that if it doesn’t get taken care of soon, it might wait until the fall. THE FALL??!?!?!?!?!?! Fuck me, how am I going to find a job out there?

-Another speaking of which, I heard more terrible news about the job market today on NPR. Our economy is in the shitter. Was there a better time to move to Canada? I couldn’t imagine graduating from college right now (like my sister, and my girlfriend in 6 months). Its going to be tough getting jobs. Ouch.

-Super Bowl. I can’t wait to see this game. My friends may come over to watch it, although I may have to go to my girl’s work to watch it, just to support her and Taryn, who wants to watch it there and spend a ton of money. I, on the other hand, don’t have much money, so staying home and eating cheaper food sounds good. Plus the beers are much cheaper.

-XBOX 360. My Xbox got the ‘three lights of death’ the other day. If you’re not familiar with this, it means my Xbox died. I had to send it in, apparently this happens all the time. Who makes a product that the company has to recall and pay around 150 dollars to repair? I guess a company who wanted to make a cheap product and get it out fast.

-I’m acting and shooting some quicky shorts this weekend for fun. Man, I can’t wait. I miss actually shooting something, instead of doing all the other shit that happens after you shoot, like editing and sound mixing and getting it into festivals and press kits and websites...

-Which brings me to websites. Man, I had no idea how hard it would be to do this shit. I’ve really struggled to get some of these things together, the program I am using is so fucking confusing! You do something and think its going to work and then it doesn’t update. Fuck it!

-Personal note- Never tell a girl she smells like menstaration. Girls don’t like that apparently.

Well, I hope you guys enjoy your weekend. Go Pats errrr Giants... fuck it. Go both teams!