Wednesday, November 5, 2008


I haven't blogged in a while, I've been very busy and stuff. I need to get back into the swing of things. Here's a general update...

OBAMA WON! Thank the Lord Above!

LA life is really good. My girlfriend and I are doing really well. My dog is super cute. That's going pretty well.

I also started working out again, man this getting old shit is for the birds.

Started a new job this month in Visual Effects at Warner Bros. It's pretty good so far, I like the people and I am learning a ton about special effects and how to use them in my own movies. The problem is I spend most of the day pushing papers, making fucking copies and generally finding ways to avoid poking my eyes out with my Pentel Energel pen due to my extreme boredom.

On other fronts-

I'm still working on a script for a big wig producer (for no fucking pay!!!) but if it goes well, I will have more cash than I have ever had... well until I blow it to pay off my government-bailout-sized student loan. SIGH.

I'm also working on a short film that I really like, I'll be directing and I wrote it. It's a very cool idea that people seem to like. My girlfriend read it and cried, it's that good. Not bad for a two page script from a hack like me.

I'm also hoping that everything works out on this other documentary/corporate film thing that I am working on, if it does I'd also have a ton of cash and get a shit ton of film gear to keep at the end of the shoot! It would be so nice, I can shoot my own film with this equipment and start my own production company, I just hope it works out.

But alas, with all of these things, they are almost out of my hands. You try your best and hope that shit doesn't blow up.

I hope to have more than one post a month, I need to find more TIME! Please give me more TIME!

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

I might have a new job... maybe

Monday morning I came into work and got a phone call. It was Patt, my champion, my job pimp. She had a new lead for an assistant in visual effects, her department. She asked if I wanted to take a stab at it. I said sure.

Two hours, a couple of calls and interviews later, I have the job... I think. I say I think because Patt always jumps the gun on things, trying to push people around to get her way. Which is good and bad, good that she really wants me to have the job, bad if it pisses everyone off and I don't get it.

Do I want the job? Sure. That doesn't sound very convincing right? Well, I really want to be writer/director, but that's not jumping out at this time as an option (although my script is doing well with Bonnie ). My second choice would be to be an assistant to a director or producer so that I can learn more about their jobs. But I love VFX and I'd love to learn more about the process of making visual effects happen. Maybe I can turn it into a career, maybe not. I'm not sure but it beats not having a job right?

I actually have a job offer on the table to be an assistant to a producer but he's not working right now so that means he can't hire me until he gets on a picture. That's the problem with being a producer's assistant, if they're not working, you're not working. At least at the WB VFX, I have a job that's guaranteed. Plus health insurance and benefits etc.

But who knows, maybe I won't get it after all and I won't have to worry about making a choice. Or maybe Bonnie will buy my script, making all of this null. Or maybe I'll be homeless. Only time will tell.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Rock Band 2

What a great way to waste time and money then to sit around your house playing fake plastic instruments to songs that you don't even like? Right?

Well, I can't help it, I've gotta get my Rock Band 2 fix. It's like crack, but more expensive and better for your health. (unless you're smoking crack and playing Rock Band, then you're fucked.)

I got Rock Band 2 on Sunday and it pretty much ruined any shot I had at doing any work. I tried to cancel a meeting, but the damn guy wouldn't cancel. Don't you know that Rock Band is more important than my career?

The game itself is pretty much the same damn thing as the last one, just more songs. That's all I get for 60 bucks I guess, but I can't complain, it's fun as shit and it's much more fun than cleaning my apartment or writing a script.

Now if I could just take all that time sitting around playing plastic instruments and learned to actually play my guitar... wait, why would I do that?

Friday, September 5, 2008

Crazy Times call for Crazy Measures

Man, what a crazy couple of months it has been. Up and down, sideways, all directions. Let's run down a list of recent developments, shall we...

-My script about girl's volleyball is going well... sort of well. I'm starting the third draft with the producers very excited about its prospects. They want to move this thing right away, and I'm still working on it. SIGH. It would help if they didn't give me such vague instructions on what they want to change on it. Telling me to add more magic doesn't work. What kind of magic? Like pulling rabbits out of hats? Sawing a girl in half? Call Chris Angel assholes, I'm no magician.

-My parents are moving to the OC, so they will be semi local. I'm sort of excited, sort of not. I won't be able to go home on vacation to get away from LA. Now, I will going to the OC to stay in a foreign home that I never lived in. Plus, I can't lose my parents season tickets for the Suns, that was supposed to be my inhertience!

-I am loosely involved in producing this bull riding reality TV show that I have no interest in doing. I just got an email today that someone is interested in it... but I'm not. Now I have to do all sorts of work on it, even though I couldn't give a fuck less about it. DOUBLE SIGH.

-As I get more busy doing this crap, I have seen my friends less and less. It's sad. Plus, a bunch of people that were my friends are now either a)mad at me and don't like me anymore b)too busy also c)moving away. TRIPLE SIGH.

-Good things are happening with my lady friend though. We've been going very strong and things are great!

-My dog is still super cute.

I guess that's it for now. I know I promised to write more this week... maybe next week?

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

I wish I was a dog

My dog Parker is the best. Sure, she pees in the house, doesn’t listen to all commands and has a serious problem digging in the trash can- but who doesn’t right?

I often watch her chasing cats, flies, tennis balls, anything really; and I get jealous. Man, it must be really nice to have no responsibilities. Her only care in the world is if she gets fed and walked daily, and that’s not her responsibility, it’s mine.

What I wouldn’t give to be a dog!

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Man, what a world

I've been pretty f'ing busy. Sorry I haven't posted, I guess I've put too much time into work and other bullshit instead of writing this blog. Man I suck.

I promise that next week, I will update at least three times. (kind of like how I need to work out three times).

Thanks for being cool.


Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Music that I like today

Man, what do you write blogs about if you've got absolutely nothing going on in your life besides writing a shitty PG script for a bunch of assholes, sitting in an empty office for 12 hours a day, thinking about how you are getting old, never trying anything new and preparing to spend the rest of your life in a never ending loop of bullshit?

I guess you write about music.

Yes music, the only thing that I have going on in my poor excuse of a life. Unless I write about sleeping, which is kind of a personal experience that doesn't translate well to blog land.

Here's some music I recently bought or have been listening to for the last year that I thought you might like. Yes you, the guy reading this stupid blog. Keep in mind, some of this shit may have come out a year or two ago, but I'm just getting on it, so back off!


This album is like the Beach Boys meet noise rock. Fucking unreal stuff, you could listen to it while driving on the PCH, or while smoking PCP. A very happy sound but full of dread and sadness. Panda Bear is a member of the next band... or collective....


Samples and noise cut in and out, sounds used like drums, punchy and repetitive but not annoying. Songs have a sense of happiness and sadness at the same time. I haven't had enough time to really examine the lyrics but there is something going on here for sure. Music that has no explanation, but there is none needed.


The most out there partly instrumental robot rock I've heard in a long time. This shit sounds like what music should have sounded like in 2015 Hilldale Valley 'Back to the Future II' style. A ton of stuff is going on here, where guitars and synths play with crazy samples of voices and other noise. If you had an extra dollar on your itunes account, buy Leyendecker. This song is like taking the drums of a NIN song, the vocal sample of a Rihanninaianana (or however you spell her name) and the effected out synths of our next band and throwing them all together. Which brings us to...


The next wave of dance music that the public is already eating up like many boxes of Crispy Cremes. It there is a sound track of this summer, this should be it. Disco, techno and smoothness jumps out at you. Electric Feel is getting a ton of radio play. Kids should also...


Local LA guys do good on this album, again without definition. Some songs sound like Radiohead's best electric stuff, other songs buzz like Liars on their tribaliness, others just try to shred your face off, with mixed results. Worthy of a listen.


I just got into this Bradford Cox guy, who has the beat up puppy dog voice I love. Their songs are beautiful, sad, full of noise and rage, but with a broken heart underneath. Great for when you have to sit in an office for 12 hours straight with nothing to do but plot the end of the world.


I know everyone is on this guys dicks and that they might be pretentious Ivy League dicks, but the rhythm in Mansford Roof is sick. It just is.


Another side project band, this time from the guy Wolf Parade. Pretty awesome stuff, and I' love the name of the band. Plus, this Wolf Parade guy's voice reminds me of the Talking Heads, always a good time.


I saw these guys open for the Liars and I was instantly hooked. The power of punk, the noise of some never ending feedback machine. At that show, I was the oldest person by ten years I think. Man, it sucks being old. But these guys can just flat out play and throw the book of conventional song structure out the window. Check it!

Well, that's enough for now. I could get into the new hip hop I've heard, but that would start an entirely new blog. Maybe that's what I'll write about all the time! Music makes the world go round and makes this sad office and shitty PG script seem ok. Well, that's a lie but whatevs... sad panda.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Wonderful World of Thoughts

I turned in my first draft of my new script to the producers yesterday. Now, I have to wait until Thursday of next week to get notes back, 10 days.

Talk about suspense. Imagine working every day for 8 to 14 hours a day for three straight weeks to get something done for someone and then having to wait a week and three days to get feedback on your work.

So, now as I wait for the feedback, I’m in a holding pattern until I hear something from them. SIGH. What do I do in the mean time? I can’t just sit idle. That’s not in my nature.

I’m going to try to bang out some other writing, mainly finish up this other script. It’s going to take a little bit of work though, since when I started to read it today, I realized it sucks.

What else is new? Hmmmmm... let’s break it down....

-My car registration is up. It costs 200 hundred bucks to get your car on the up and up. Why exactly? What does that 200 smacks buy me? I don’t think anyone knows.

-I’ve been playing with Legos a lot lately. Yep, legos, the little toy building blocks. Its more fun than you can imagine, which I imagine that you imagine that they’re not much fun. I’m building my dream house out of legos, since I can’t afford to build it in real life. Crap, I can barely afford to build it in Lego Life.

-My dog has epilepsy, a bad ear infection, and a staff infection on top of the world’s worst doggie allergies. Ouch. Man, its fucking expensive to have a dog.

-I also purchased Rock Band a while back. As I have mentioned on this blog before, Rock Band is the shit. I highly recommend it, at least until the guitar hero band thingy comes out.

-With a shitty economy, rising gas prices, a credit crunch and bank failing; I was thinking maybe it would be great if we just wiped the world clean of money. Everyone starts out with a clean slate and we can begin a new world economy where all money from every country is worth the same. It would be like movies that happen in the future where everyone uses ‘space credits’ or some bullshit. Everyone keeps whatever they have, if you have a house that is still on a loan, you get the rest of your loan for FREE!

Then I don’t have to pay back my student loans and credit cards. Great!

-I wonder, what does it take to make solar energy panels? Is there some sort of material in there that make them so very rare? If we have such a global warming and energy problem, why don’t we kill the energy problem with the global warming problem? Is that so hard? Damn, I’m smart.

-Why don’t they have rice crispy treat ice cream? I invented it the other day, and I’m pissed that I don’t work for Ben and Jerry’s, cause I’d make a fortune.

-I went to the Build a Bear workshop the other day (don’t ask) and they have these bears that you equip with these things that will say random phrases. Why don’t they equip a bear with the phrases in magic 8 ball? Yes, no, ask again later etc... you’d have a magic 8 ball bear! I really think I’m in the wrong line of business.

-I was at Disneyland the other day and waiting in long ass lines for rides. I noticed that they have all these people waiting to get off the ride, sitting in cars that are lined up outside the entrance. Why not have people get off the ride there, instead of the entrance? That would save 30 seconds to a minute of load in/out time for every car, making lines shorter. Man, what the hell, why am I full of so many good ideas?

- Saw Dark Knight last week. If you haven’t seen it, (which you all haven’t cause it isn’t out yet, hahahahaha) see that bitch. Best movie I’ve seen in years, for real.

- I read The Inglorious Bastards script the other day. Man, the Q Tarritino guy is good.

Anyway, enough chatting about bullshit, I have a bad script to write!

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Random Notes from the man himself

Here's some thoughts I've had this week-

-Big up to all my people who came through for my birthday! It was a great time. My wonderful girlfriend set up this big surprise party at the bowling alley and tons of people flew in, drove etc from other spots in the world to be part of the event. Its strange, I don't feel that much older but I'm on the other side of the 30 mark now. It actually feels good. I'm ready for the new changes and challenges that being older brings.

-I've started work on my first 'real' script gig. Its a girls volleyball movie, not exactly my natural forte but I've got a good grip on it and a new way of telling the same old sports movie. It should be a fun romp and if it ever makes it to the screen, I hope I'm there for the casting of tons of hot 18 year old girls. Good times.

-My boy is having trouble with his terrible, slacker, free loading roommate. This roommate doesn't have a job, refuses to help on bills and is making my boy go thousands of dollars in debt. But if my boy kicks his roommate out, that roommate will be homeless since he has no family, friends or money. Sucky times.

-The NBA draft is tomorrow and I'm pumped. Holy crap, if the Suns don't do something to make this terrible team better, I'm going to kill someone. That someone is Steve Kerr and the Suns owner Robert Sarver. (can you get arrested for an ideal threat on a blog?)

That's all for now, got to get to work on this script!

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Balls or the worst parts of being a man

Women have complained for years about all the terrible things associated with being a female- birthing, menstruation, bras, menopause, high heels and having to watch Sex and the City and pretending that its not pretentious mindless garbage.

Well, men don’t have it easy either ladies. We have balls. BALLS. They’re useless, besides holding semen, teabagging and the sound they make when you’re having sex. They get twisted, sweaty, itchy, and they look like some sort of diseased growth of leprosy.

Have you ever sat on your balls? It fucking hurts right? If you wear boxers, you might just plop down on your boys at the Dodgers game if you’re not ready for the way the seats fly upward like a jet fighter. Then it’s pain time. And girls have no concept of that pain. Take that titty twister I just gave you and multiply that by 65.

And Blue balls! Don’t get me started on blue balls. Imagine that you’ve ate nothing for a week, your stomach is eating itself cause your so damn hungry, you sit down in front of a buffet of the best Mexican food and just as you’re about to eat... BANG! Someone hits you in the stomach will the mallet twenty times and pulls you into another room, away from the food until the next time the food gets horny... wait I think I mixed my metaphors... ah well.

Its not just the balls ladies, guys have other things to worry about. Let me run them down for ya.

Women. I think this one is pretty self explanatory. I would get into the particulars but my girlfriend will get brought up and then I might have to find a new roommate again for the fourth time this week. If you don’t understand, you’ve a) never dated a woman before b) never had a mother c) grew up in a bizarro land of the All Men.

Man Period. Women complain about their periods. I understand and empathize. Not sympathize, empathize because men also have periods. Granted, we don’t have to wear tampons but we also have them. Everyone goes through a period of low of hormones that cause them to have some pissy mood swings. So there ladies!

Chivalry. I don’t mind opening doors and pulling out chairs for women but having to pay for everything sucks. My bank account is a living sign of this problem.

Hair. Having hair everywhere blows and it makes it about 20 degrees hotter. You ladies try wearing a fur body suit during the summer.

Sports. Yeah ladies you think that we love sports. We all do... generally. But God forbid you’re like my old roommate who didn’t like sports that much. Anytime he met a dude, the conversation would turn towards sports and he had to pretend he knew what he was talking about. Sports knowledge and upkeep is a fulltime job and if you slack and even take a week off, you run the risk of being considered an outsider.

So you ladies don’t have it that tough. Trust me, a representative of guys everywhere.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Staring down the barrel of 30

Tired bored kitty cat... just like me. Except I'm not a cat.

Hello gang! So I missed a bunch of entries last week but I had the worst flu/cold/shitmypants disease. Man, it sucked. I was completely out of it. I slept for 4 straight days and didn’t do anything but cough up brown and green boogers and polish off a bottle of Nyquil. Bad times.

It’s a sign that I’m dying slowly. Okay maybe not dying but I’m certainly fucking older.

Man, where does the time go? It feels like just yesterday I was celebrating my 21st birthday, getting drunk and pulling tubes with the boys and now I’m 5 days away from my 30th birthday and I’ll I want to do is sleep. Sleep for days. Sleep for weeks. Sleep for... well you get the point.

You ever have that not so fresh feeling? I do.

Its like that song by Sublime, “Burritos”... ‘I don’t wanna go and party, I don’t wanna shoot the pier, I don't wanna take the doggie for a walk, I don't wanna look at naked chicks and drink beer...’ In fact, I have no idea what I want to do. Right now, nothing sounds exciting.

This weekend after I got over my sickness, I needed to get out of the house and do something. But what? I racked my brain and tried to figure it out. Nothing came to mind.

Where’s my passion? I have no idea. I used to be so gung ho about making it Hollywood and being the next big thing but now, it even that doesn’t seem very important to me at all. I have a big phone call with a mucky muck producer today to possibly get my very first writing assignment for money and you know what? I don’t care. At all.

Its not that I don’t care, I guess I’ve just reserved to the fact that if it works out it does, if not, well screw it I’ll work at McDonald’s.

And its not like I’m depressed. I’m actually quite happy considering everything. But I’m just blah. Maybe I need something that sounds exciting. Can you think of anything for a slowly dying 30 year old to do that would give me a boost of fun? Anything that’s legal of course... and doesn’t involve a lot of money.

Monday, June 9, 2008

wow, where has the time gone?

Blog update

So, I’ve been a terrible person and haven’t updated this thing in a long time. I guess people are reading since some of you have called and complained. Wow, you really care about my rambling bullshit? Thanks!

Where have I been this whole time? Well, I worked on this other gig for a while, as assistant to the director of Cats and Dogs 2. It was a ton of work and not a bad experience overall, but if you would have asked me during it I would have told you it sucked balls.

I finished up and went back to my office job here at the WB. Good times. Now, I only have a couple more months at this gig before I have to find yet another job. Welcome to the wonderful world of Hollywood, where people search for jobs like Barry Bonds searches for ... well... a job on a baseball team.

All my extra free time has been spent writing a script for these producers. Who knows what will happen with it... its taking me a while to complete and now they want me to put it on the back burner and write a slasher film... sigh. I don’t know what’s going to happen but if the slasher flick is going to get me a little closer to a full time writing career, I’ll do it.

So, today I am writing this slasher synopsis. Yawn.

What else is going on? Well, I’m that much closer to my 30th birthday, hooray. I’ve got my normal life with the girlfriend and the dog and the apartment and the blah blah blah... who cares right?

The important part you walk away from this thing is that I’m a slacker for not updating my blog and that there will be more coming. I promise. And they will be a lot more entertaining than this one I swear.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

April Fool's Day

When I was in college, April Fool’s was my favorite day of the year. My roommate Vogel and I would play practical jokes on every single person we knew, including each other. I could write an entire book about the evil jokes we played on people... shit that might be a good idea! Ah the good ol’ days.

There is one completely evil joke that sticks out in my mind.

I told my ex that I would get her really good on April Fool’s, she told me there was no way, she could see through any attempt made. We made a bet on it then and there. I was determined to win.

April Fool’s rolled around and I played my cards right. My ex knew that it was coming, so she was on guard. Everything I said and did, she was on it like a hawk. But I was biding my time, I knew if I waited long enough, went to school, came back, she would forget.

So when I saw her later that day, I was prepared. She came up to front door on that rainy night to discover a note, sitting at the edge of my apartment door.

She walked in and handed the note to me, I opened it, read it over quickly and put it in a drawer.

The key to a good practical joke is to know some one’s weakness and exploit. My ex’s weakness was two fold; curiosity and jealousy.

She asked me who wrote the note, I told her my other ex, the girl I dated last before dating her. She asked me what it said, I told her simply, “Nothing.”

BANG! The look on her face was unbelievable. She was torn because she told me just two weeks earlier that she was sick of being jealous all the time and she was going to try to push those feelings out of her head and not bring them up.

But at the same time, here was this note, in the rain, and she didn’t know what it said. And it was from that bitch I used to date!

I went outside, pretending to check out my buddy Kyle’s new Jeep. Really, I was just letting her stew.

As we laughed outside, I pictured her opening the drawer and reading the note. Would she do it? Would curiosity kill the cat?

I walked back in and there was my ex, standing by the front door with her arm on her side, waiting not very patiently for me to get back. She said that she wanted to read the note. I told her that I would let her if she didn’t get mad.

I gave her the note and ran into my bedroom.

The note from my ex ex, which was written by me of course, slowly revealed more information as you read it, finally culminating with a big reveal of our illicit affair, the torrid things I did to her, and how much she loved me.

I heard a rustle outside my door, she stormed in the room right at me, ready to punch me in the face.

I pulled up my shirt, showing her the words “Happy April Fool’s Day” which Vogel wrote on my stomach for me earlier.

She looked at the words, stunned. Then she starting crying. A lot.

I felt so bad. So very bad. But I won! I beat her! Woooooo Hooooo!

What did I win? I don’t remember exactly. Was it worth it to put her through the emotional rollercoaster? It wasn’t at the time but after she broke my heart years later, it now feels pretty good.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Other People’s Scripts

I some how always end up getting conned into reading other people’s scripts for them.

It starts out with me saying I’d love to read their script, which I usually mean at the time. I like to see how the others live, see how others write, and see if there is anything that surprises me or that I can learn from.

It usually ends with me cursing, rubbing my eyes and wanting to blow up their scripts with a nuclear device.

I’m reading one script for a friend right now and I can’t get through it. Its supposed to be a comedy, only there are no funny. Its one super long cliché, a take on the awesome movie “Road Hogs” (I say that in jest) but if instead of being old men, they’re lame 30 year old frat guys.

Let me tell you, it reads as good as that description is.

The problem is, the kid who had me read it is super excited about it. He told me it’s super funny and gross, which it’s not either of those things.

Now I haven’t finished it but I will have to sooner or later. Then I will have to tell him about it. That’s where things get difficult.

I’m brutally honest. I would want others to be honest with me, I wouldn’t expect anything less. But most people don’t want the truth, they want people to suck their collective dicks for being so awesome. (I could go into Col. Jessup’s line about truth from A Few Good Men, or Winston Wolf’s line about sucking each others dicks from Pulp Fiction but I digress)

When they get the truth, the results vary. Some pout. Others defend their work like I would defend my basketball skills. Some just plain cry.

One time, I told me friend her new script was a disappointment. It was. Her other script I read was the best ‘non professional’ script I had ever read. This new one, it just wasn’t that good. This lead to an angry exchange between us and her leaving in tears.

The problem was that she was writing her ‘baby’. Whenever you have a ‘baby’ script, it usually means it’s a thinly veiled attempt at an autobiographical film, with names changed to protect the innocent. When you write this type of thing, its usually long winded and boring, with a very thin plot. That’s just the way it is, our lives aren’t interesting enough to write about unless you’re Ray Charles or Howard Hughes.

She couldn’t understand that fact.

Hell, I’ve read a ton of scripts like this. The worst one was a friend who wrote about her years in an abusive relationship. It was a painful thing to read, it was like being in the relationship.

If it was made into a movie, it would feel like the last 10 minutes of “Requiem for a Dream” only stretched out to about two and a half hours.


I here by offer my unrequested advice about writing a screenplay-

1-Don’t write about your own life. Its going to be boring, trust me. Plus, you’re going to get really hurt when people say they don’t like it, because you’ll take it that people must not like your life. Which they don’t, so suck it.

2-Don’t write anything longer than 120 pages. For people who don’t know, a page on script equals a minute of screen time on average. Therefore, 120 pages equals a two hour movie. Right now, most Hollywood movies clock in at 95 minutes. If you’re writing a 120 minute movie, you’re still long. If you’re writing a 160 minute movie, it better be the next “Saving Private Ryan”.

3-Pick a topic and stick to it. To often I read something that meanders all over the place, after introducing something as the plot, it covers everything but said plot. Bad idea.

4-PLOT! Speaking of plot, pick a movie idea with a plot. No one wants to watch two hours of people talking about shit. Everyone thinks that they have the next Pulp Fiction or Clerks, but they forget that both of those had some part of a plot to encourage that crazy zany dialog (although Clerks plot was thin at best). If you want to write a 120 pages of two guys talking, write a novel.

5-High concept ideas- I usually hate this idea but its true. Having a film idea that can be summed up in two sentences usually helps.

6-Pick something positive- I’m completely speaking from experience, write about something somewhat happy. My film is getting killed in film fests right now because of the negative, sad, and explicit content. Write a happy kids film, it will sell.

There is a ton more advice I could dole out but that’s enough for now. I need to take rest of the day to finish reading this script and figuring out a way to tell this guy his script sucks without him ending up in tears.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Lessons I learned this week

I’ve been treated to life altering lessons this past week-

1-Don’t ever think that you’ve got a sure fire plan. Sure as shit it will back fire.
2-Don’t leave your oven on after you make pizza.
3-Easter is the most overrated holiday.
4-Don’t make a movie about incest, violence and graffiti. It won’t get into film festivals. Trust me.
5-When driving with your girlfriend, don’t yell obscenities at asshole drivers who cut you off. It will only piss her off.
6-Always save often. Especially when writing a screenplay.
7-Eating nothing but jalapenos for two days straight is a bad idea.
8-If you owe money to a collector, always pay that off. Even if you want a new midi drum machine.
9-Don’t shave your dog with an electric razor unless you are sure that it has the guard clip attached snug. If you don’t, your dog will end up looking like a plucked turkey.
10-When playing golf, always bring three more golf balls then you think you will lose.
11-If you work with someone who takes three sick days a week on average, then you should get ready for a long work week.
12-Thick skin and relentless ambition is more important than talent.
13-When painting, never let your dog get close to the canvas unless you want your dog to have a butt and tail covered in paint. Especially don’t let her get back to the painting a second time after you already washed her, it will only led to your entire house being painted by your dog.
14-When poor, Ramen isn’t enough to eat, it will only make you want to buy groceries or go to Jack in the box.
15-Having Netflix is great, if you actually watch the movies you’ve rented.
16-If you write off the Phoenix Suns, they will start winning again.
17-When talking to your 5 year old Nephew on the phone, just keep saying ‘that’s so cool’ even if you don’t understand what the hell he’s talking about.
18- When you feel like you should cry but can’t, don’t listen to sad music. It will only make you feel worse.
19-If you are obsessed with your career, you won’t be happy. Take a step back and go with the flow.
20-When picking your NCAA brackets, don’t use any sort of reason. Just pick random games.
21-Postive thinking is hard as shit to do in today’s day and age. But it’s the most important thing you can do.
22-Cleaning before you have guests over is a fruitless and pointless endeavor.

I’m sure that there are more things but I can’t think of them right now. Have a great day!

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

WNBA vs. Arena Football League

Here is a taste of my new column to be appearing on the Phat that I will be writing with Brandon. Its a head to head type of thing about important sports topics. Here's my defense of the WNBA being a better league than Arena Football League. Enjoy!

The WNBA is most exciting sports league on the planet, maybe the universe. Obviously, that’s a blanket statement that everyone agrees with.

I could describe the well know virtues of the league-
-the record shattering TV ratings
-the 2,000 straight sold out games
-the seas of WNBA jerseys you see on every man, woman and child throughout the world
-the international icon Sheryl Swoopes who has become the popular face of stage and screen, thanks to her illustrious WNBA career
-the excitement of the game itself with its hyper competitive nature, the dynamic showtime theatrics, the constant dunking and alley oops, the high shooting percentage, etc etc

...but everyone knows these facts. I don’t have to defend something that’s so strong and well organized, that’s like the US defending Iraq or something.

No, I’m here to prove a well known point and shed a little light into a dark cracks of lies- the WNBA is better than the Arena Football League and not for reasons that you already know.

Of course you all love the WNBA. But not all of you hate the AFL. Not until now. They put out a front that they’re this silly little indoor football league. They’re not.

The Arena Football league is an evil organization hell bent on destroying the world. They’re like Cobra, the Decepticons and the Legion of Doom all rolled into one, but if that group was lead by the demon offspring of a robot Hitler and Skeletor.

Sure, they look like a fun loving group of lazy teams that don’t want to deal with playing in cold weather and don’t want to have to run very far down the field. But if you look at the financial statements of the league, you find very shady mathematics.

First, where does the revenue come from? No one goes to these games and even fewer people watch them on TV. Is the AFL even on TV? They must play the games on PBS or the new Oprah network, The FishTaco Channel, cause I haven’t seen a game before.

So if they aren’t making money on the football, how can they still be around after all these years? The secret? Streams of revenue that would make the mafia jealous; drug sales, gambling, extortion, prostitution, selling post dated medications, cat kidnapping (better know as catnapping) and selling shirts with super funny sayings like ‘McLovin’ or ‘Nerds do it in Binary’.

I know you’re saying to yourself, “Self, that’s not much worse than what I used to do to make ends meet in college.” I agree. You guys were pretty bad in college.
The reasons to raise this capital isn’t for pure profit or put the owners of the league in fur lined UGGS, it’s to spread chaos throughout the world and take now modern society as we know it.

Here’s a short list of a few but not all of the things that the AFL are responsible for-
-12-21-2012 look that shit up bitches, scary huh?
-Paris Hilton
-AIDS in Africa
-Back Hair
-Global Warming
-High gas prices
-The writer’s strike and the upcoming actor’s strike
-The world’s economic downturn
-Did I mention Paris Hilton?

In short, the AFL is responsible for the world ending. I could elaborate on the world ending but there’s not much to say beyond that the world ends and... stuff. And then all the bad things would end... And that would be bad. Why? Well, and ah, wait ... I’ll have get back to you on that.

Come to think of it, maybe the AFL has the right idea. End the world and all the bad stuff ends... hmmm. Is it too late to pick the AFL instead?

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Barack's big moment

Let’s take a look inside the head of Barack Obama few minutes before his speech in Philadelphia PA and figure out what really goes on inside his mind....

Goodness, this is going to be tough. I don’t know how I can go on. Barack, if there was ever a time to just call in quits my old boy, its today.

This may be the most important speech of my career. Maybe the most important speech on race since I Have a Dream. I have to address this race issue once and for all, to bridge the divide between all voters of all colors. But how can I?

I still haven’t eaten my morning Eggos.

David knows that I won’t go on stage without my Eggos. Everyone in the campaign knows this! And yet here I sit, without a plate of 4 tasty Eggos covered in Aunt Jemima Country Rich Lite syrup. This is getting to be gosh darn ridiculous.

Eggos, my muse, my only hope. The way you dance across my pallet with the help of Aunt Jemima acting like a sticky conduit to cool and calm my senses. Your strong yet subtle taste rocks my nerves to sleep. Your texture and consistency is much like a great eagle soaring through the wind, delivering justice to the empty cavity I call my stomach.

Oh, the delicious smell of those buttery rich Eggos as they pop up out of a toaster, or slide out of the toaster oven. Heck, at this point, I’d eat them out of the microwave. Poop, I might even eat them frozen without syrup.

I can’t believe the audacity of David, bringing me those Kashi Waffles. What do I look like, a fool? You can’t pass off GoLean waffles as Eggos!

Now I’m supposed to go in front of the media and the good people of Philly on an empty stomach. It’s not the empty stomach that’s the problem really. It’s the principle of the thing.

Do they not carry Eggos in the great state of Pennsylvania? I can understand that they don’t carry Eggos at Whole Foods, but they don’t have them at Food Mart?

I can’t even concentrate and I’m supposed to go on in two minutes. What the heck was I even supposed to speak about? Health care? Gun Control? The NCAA tournament? I’m going go up on stage a make a fool of myself. Pull it together B. O.!

Who ever ate the last of the Eggos on the bus is going to get fired. No, beat down. Flogged with a sugar cane and water boarded. The nerve of these people. Don’t they know who I am? How important I am?

Where is David? He should be back by now with those Eggos. What the fuck... wait, what did I just think? I just thought an obscenity! I really am losing it now. If I can’t control my inner dialog, how am I going to stop myself from calling all these fine reporters and good people of Philly a bunch of lily livered, chicken shit cocksuckers?

(just then campaign manager David Plouffe runs in with a plate of piping hot Eggos and gives them to Barack. David cowers like an abused dog and scurries away.)

That’s right, you better run away. Mmmmm, that’s the ticket. Eggos, you’re the only one who understands me. Now, I’m ready to take on the world!

Monday, March 17, 2008

Worst Sports Tattoo

I recently interviewed Stephen Jackson for an article for International Knitting. After speaking ad nauseum about courses, wales, and the advantages of double pointed knitting needles; we moved onto basketball and his life.

As standard practice, I demand that all interviews are done in the nude. I noticed that on Mr. Jackson’s chest there was a strange tattoo of praying hands holding a gun in front of some sort of church window. When I asked about, the shy and reserved Jackson smiled.

“As you know, I’m a very devout Mormon,” said Jackson. “I preach the gospel wherever I go to whom ever will listen. Speaking of which, have read the book of Mormon?”

I told him about my lengthy studies in Provo when I was a member of the Mormon exchange program with the church of Scientology, which I am currently in good financial standing with (hail Xenu!).

Since he knew I could relate, he told me of one evening that changed his life. He was in Indianapolis spreading the word of Joseph Smith, riding his bike with his tie and short sleeved dress shirt on with ex-teammates and fellow Mormons Jamaal Tinsley, Marquis Daniels and Jimmie Hunter when some local ruffians stopped them outside of strip club.

“They wanted to speak to us, I thought this might be a good time to teach others about the sins of the flesh. After I asked them if they had heard of Jesus Christ’s other travels, one of them punched me. Hard. I was in a state of shock. It was like something I had never felt before like a woman’s vagina. Having never been in a fight before, I didn’t know what to do so I did what comes natural”

“I fell to my knees and prayed that he wouldn’t hurt me when this large fellow put this gun into hands. I looked at it, it was strange he would do so. Suddenly, a car drove up and hit me. I was scared and I fired the gun into the air. My goodness the sounds were so loud! Everyone backed away, saving myself and my fine Mormon friends Jamaal, Marquis and Jimmie.”

“It was as if God answered my prayers right there, giving me a way to save our lives,” said Jackson.

Jackson immediately thanked the Lord and decided that he must celebrate the event with a tattoo; something that he had always wanted to try before.

“I’ve heard of tattoos, but I wasn’t sure how they worked. I thought it was something you put on with water and tape, but it involved needles. No one told me that! Man did it hurt, I cried the entire time,” said Jackson.

I asked him if it would be okay if I examining his tattoo at close range, which he agreed. I rested my head on his navel and took a big long stare at it. I realized that I hated his tattoo.

I think its great that he had such a touching moment in his life and all but look at the tattoo. The hands don’t even look very real! The gun wasn’t nearly as big as he described! The church window doesn’t have any detail! If you’re really close, you can see little spots where it wasn’t filled properly.

Clearly, the artist who did the tattoo wasn’t a professional like that Kat Von D person I see on the television. She’s the Kat’s pajamas.

That’s why Stephen Jackson’s tattoo is the worst in sports.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Oklahoma man eats bricks

The biggest event to hit the tiny town of Willingbone Oklahoma wasn’t much to look at. In front of a rundown shack of a home sat a little table covered with a check board table cloth. 10 red, white and blue balloons that were loosing helium by the second were tied to the table. On the table, a little boombox played the ‘Star Spangled Banner’. Next to the stereo, was the thing everyone wanted to see, 10 bright red bricks and one tiny man.

A group of 15 dumbfounded slack jawed yokels showed up to watch the spectacle. The look of shock on the crowd’s faces said it all. It just wasn’t possible. But there it was, a man eating solid red bricks.

“I wanted to eat bricks, but I just wasn’t sure how to,” said Kit Fisto, the world record setting brick eater. “Then one day it hit me like a ton of... well... you know.”

Fisto, a lean man who probably weighs 100 pounds wet, grew up dreaming of his way to fame. He spent his entire life in Willingbone, the town 100 miles from any major city. He knew that with his little education and very little talent it would be hard to fulfill his dream. It wasn’t until he started training for the county pie eating contest that realized his potential.

“I figgered if I can eat me some 20 pies, why not eats me some 10 bricks,” said Fisto. “That’s when I went to town and bought me some bricks and cement from Ace True Hardware. I also bought some Carhardt pants and a new Makita 18V 1/2" Cordless Hammer Driver-Drill Kit. It’s the one with the Variable Speed. Sakes alive, it’s the sweetest hammer driver-drill kit you ever did see man.”

Fisto first trained with loose cement before going onto bricks.

“It was rough going at first man,” said Fisto. “My poop was like rocks, well I guess it was rocks really. I had to start wearing a tampon in my butt cause I was bleeding so bad. But that’s the price you pay sometimes for success.”

Fisto set a date and had his cousin, Cleatus McDingle, promote the event by alerting national media and local officals. McDingle is the local promotions guru.

“When Kit puts his mind to a things, a things are going happen,” said McDingle. “I was just there to make sure that everyone knew about it. Everyone was excited to take part, it wasn’t like the Hog Balls and Twine show I promoted, people really wanted to see this, boy howdy.”

After announcing his intentions to the town, Fisto realized that he needed to follow through and eat some bricks.

“Truth be told man, I ain’t never eaten a whole brick before the event, just some cement. I felt like I should have done it before but I got sidetracked when me and Cleatus went hunting. I ate peyote and kind of forgot about it. Then I wake up with no pants on in a bathtub full of cheap pudding. Cleatus is yelling at me, ‘Dammit Kit, you gotta go out front and eat them damn bricks. I bet Buck from down on Clit street that you could do it, you better sober up and get out front.’ The pressure was on. I had the huge crowd of people there to see it, more people than I had seen in my whole life in one spot. As I sat down, I was still all fucked up in the head. Still, after I got the first brick down and I heard the cheers, I knew that I was going to do it.”

“It ain’t like nothing I ever did see before,” said Tammy Mae Sailor, a local housewife. “My uncle once ate his shoe after he lost a bet, but nothing like this.”

With Fisto’s new success and notoriety, he hopes to ride it to the top.

“I’m hoping that I can get onto some sort of reality TV show, like Flavor of Love or something like that,” said Fisto. “Except with hot chicks instead of that crackhead guy with the clock ‘round his neck.”

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Man, I suck.

I haven't been posting to my blog at all lately... I haven't really been in the mood, you know what I mean?

Things are going well, I'm starting to round the corner on my writing, which is the reason why I haven't posted anything lately. I've just been cranking out research for this thing and its taken away from my premorning writing routine.

Plus, ever since the stat counter broke on my website, I haven't been as interested because I haven't been able to see if anyone is even looking at this thing except for Moo and my girlfriend.

But I've got a few new ideas for things to write about, some awesome stories to tell and some funny fake news ideas that I've come up with. Please stay tuned! I promise much more tomorrow!

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

The meaning of life

What’s the meaning of life?

Ah, if I knew, I certainly would let you all know.

I’ve always wondering what’s the meaning of it all. Shit, I wrote and worked on a script about a character searching for meaning of life. I still go back to it and work on it constantly, it’s the whale, and I’m Ahab.

Is the meaning of life to work 9 hours a day, five days a week, for 45 years or so and then retire and die?

Hmmmm, I’m starting to think not.

After working very hard to get where I am now (which isn’t very far) I’m starting to rethink the whole thing.

Maybe I’m missing out on life, the wonderful things around me, the adventure life brings, new experiences, traveling and the full opportunities that randomness offers.

Maybe we all are...

What if I sold everything I had, packed my few remaining possessions into a car and just traveled the US, doing odd jobs and experiencing new places and people?

Well, that’s not exactly ‘responsible’ or at least not what American society considers to be so. You’re supposed to stay in one place, have a career, buy a home, have a family etc.

Basically, life in the US comes down to one major factor- MONEY.

If you have money, you can do anything you want. If you don’t, then you work until you have money.

Wellllll fuck that! I’m sick of taking a majority of my time everyday to work to get money. But what the hell can I do about it right?

Man, there’s got to be a better way.

Monday, March 3, 2008

My Bad

Sorry I haven't posted anything in the last couple of days. I was trying to get this script done ASAP so I could have someone important read it.

I wish I had a ton of stuff to write today but I'm just BLAH. I don't know why, I had a good weekend and everything.

This writers block is killing me inside right now. I'm trying something new to combat it, hopefully it works.

Tons of love to all my friends and family.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

A heart warming story

I’m in desperate need of a heart warming story. You know the type, one of those stories that make you cry with tears of joy, thankful that you get to live in this crazy world.

Stories like Forrest Gump, Finding Neverland or Amelie; stories that are so close to reality but just outside the realm of the average negative day. Something that just sticks to your insides and won’t let you forget about it.

I want to write that type of movie!

But alas, I have no ideas like that at all. I feel like everything I come up with is a bunch of negative clichés strung together to shock and awe the audience. I don’t want to do that, at least not for this script. I want to show my grandma a movie and have her enjoy it.

I know if you’re reading this, you must be sick of these writer’s block posts. Imagine me, I’m sick of writing about not being able to write!

Monday, February 25, 2008

The Whistles

When you’re 8, there’s nothing more exciting than a road trip. Maybe my favorite thing to do during the summer besides visit my father was to drive to California with my brother and my mom, and her best friend Candy and her daughter Monica.

A trip to California always meant visiting Disneyland, Newport Beach, or Sea World; the hollowed shrines of kid fun. It also meant eating out for every meal, at most likely a fast food place. This creates a kid’s dream scenario- tons of fatty sugary foods and hours of running around driving your parents crazy.

One trip, we stopped off at McDonald’s to get happy meals. As you may or may not know, Happy Meals always contain one toy, usually a small hunk of plastic that kids play with in earnest for a half hour only to lose by the end of the day.

This particular time, that toy happened to be whistles. These weren’t normal whistles however. A referee whistle? No no no. This is a whistle that sounded like an air raid alarm, a shrill high pitch that drove directly into your brain stem and made you want to tear out any connective tissue that reached your ears.

My mom was driving when the first whistle came out of the little house shaped box that Happy Meals come in. Soon, a cacophony of screeches echoed throughout the Cutless Sierra...

Take that noise, multiple it times three whistles, add the factor of sugary soda and McDonald’s fries, and jam that into a car ride through the desert.

Needless to say, my mother and Candy were more than a little pissed about the whistles. They told us to stop.

But there was an upwelling of rebellion in our young hearts. The more that they told us stop, they louder we played. This was our stand, a chance for defiance against the women who held us in check. We weren’t going to go quietly into the night. We would whistle!

Never cross my mother, especially with a loud whistle.

My mother slammed on the breaks and pulled over the car, like we just had a tire blow out or hit something. She grabbed the three whistles, and threw them as hard as she could into the desert.

As we drove away, I remember wondering if anyone would discover those whistles years from now and wonder how they got there; like an anthropologist searching through ruins of our once great civilization. They may conclude that the whistles were used in a family ritual of crossing from the desert towards the ocean during the summer.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Weekend thoughts- the ‘Don’t fear the Reaper’ Edition

Another Friday, another weekend coming, another edition of weekend thoughts...

-I won tickets to see the Liars tonight at the El Rey in LA! I submitted to this website, thinking I wouldn’t win and boooooooom! I won! I never win anything! I’m so pumped as the Liars are my new favorite noisy band! Hooray!

-I told everyone that I would have another Rock Band party this weekend but I don’t have the Rock Band video game. I told everyone I would just go and buy it, but that was before I knew I don’t have any money. Lame. Do I charge it to my credit card, knowing that I want to pay that massive balance off? Do I say screw that, I’m going to be responsible? Decisions, decisions...

-I’m still pretty locked into dead on writers block. Man, my brain hurts from thinking about thinking about writing. Ouch. Maybe a little Liars and Rock Band will help all of that. I’ll take any suggestions if you guys have any.

-I went for an interview today with for this Tim Allen movie. I thought I was going in for an interview for either an assistant position or an office manager but the guy told me when I was there it was for another PA. What do I have to do get out of being thought as only PA material? I work for the fucking president of production for Warner Bros people?!?!?!? Why would I want to go back to being PA? Although it would be set PA, which would be fun but fuck that. When am I going to find what’s the next step?

-The Oscars are this Sunday. Should be good times as usual but the thing is, none of these movies got me all that excited when I saw them, so this should be a pretty wide open race. I really hope that ‘There will be Blood’ wins some stuff, that was only movie I saw where I was truly blown away.

-You know what’s a very underrated song? Don’t fear the reaper. Man, it’s a pretty forward thinking song, and I’m impressed that people embraced it when it came out. Why am I telling you this? Cause I’m listening to it now.

Anyway, that’s the weekend notes for me. More blogs on Monday!

Thursday, February 21, 2008

A movie moment

Last night was the screening of Tag on the Warner Bros. lot. Man, was I nervous. I was more nervous before my screening of Jungle, my other short, in film school because that was really my first movie but this one was different. This was my first professional screening, in front of people who get paid to do movies.

I had a ton of my friends, family, cast, crew, co workers and bosses there. I had to get up there and say a few words of gratitude to everyone. I nearly broke down and cried when I thanked my parents and Steve, my boss and mentor. Man, what a baby I am.

When the lights went down and it started, I didn’t know how to feel at first. Then it hit me...

With everyone’s eyes on the screen, I felt like I was naked on the screen, not Paul the actor who has take off his clothes in a scene. Why? I guess it was my soul on the screen, my baby, something I had put the entire last year into and now it was in front of everyone, warts and all, for everyone to make judgment on.

But at the same time, it was cathartic. The process is essentially over, all except the promotion of it and the putting it out in film festivals.

That’s when the sinking dread of this week came flying to me, as I sat in the dark staring at the screen. Now its time to move onto to something else. But what? I’m not sure.

Writers block happens to everyone, but when it happens to me I break down inside. I feel like nothing I do is right, that everything I have set out to do is for shit. I feel like a poser, a wannabe, someone with no real ideas, no real artistic voice, no chance to succeed. I feel like everything I do has been done before, but better by other people who are more educated and better connected.

I know its crazy, but that’s the thoughts that run through my head when I don’t have a million dollar idea right away.

But after the credits ran, everyone clapped and seemed to enjoy the movie (or so they told me to my face). It felt good to have such a response to the film, to be surrounded by friends and family who just wanted to let me know that they appreciate the effort.

That means more to me than any film festival award.

After a few drinks at the Smokehouse with everyone, the feelings of dread, insecurity and nervousness went away. I was more nervous about the Suns losing to the Lakers. The lack of new ideas didn’t bother me, at least not during that time.

I scanned the bar, seeing my cast, crew, family and friends laughing, drinking and having a good time. It was a moment where time stood still and everything was right in the world. It was a moment I’ll never forget; a movie moment.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

HORSE and how it’s hard to get back to work

Man, its hard getting back into work today. Whenever you take 5 days off of work, its like work doesn’t exist. Then you get back and its like you were never gone in the first place. But it’s been tougher this time than others to get back into the swing of things.

I have a ton of stuff to take care of before my screening tomorrow. I feel a little nervous about the whole thing, I guess I won’t feel good about it until it’s all done and everyone has come and gone.

Plus, I had such a great time the last five days it’s hard to give that up to sit this office all day.

I went to Phoenix to visit my sister Moo, my brother and his new baby and my mom and pop as you may know. It was a good time had by most, even though there were some arguments, disagreements, unnecessary pressure from my sister to drive her around and entertain her. Amongst all that, a special thing happened.

We had one of those family bonding moments that you will look back on for decades after. My whole family played HORSE out front of my parent’s house on the little basketball hoop that my parents have.

It was one of those completely unplanned things that just randomly happen but feel so organic. My sister and I picked up the ball and started shooting around. Soon, one by one, everyone else was out front, taking jump shots or trying to bounce one of the ground into hoop.

My sister couldn’t miss for some reason. I lost to her numerous times. I have plenty of excuses though. We were playing on an 8 foot tall hoop, I’m used to regulation of course.

My brother and dad were as good as usual. My brother’s wife was able to make jump shots with my baby nephew strapped to her chest. We took a bunch of photos of my nephew looking like he was about to dunk the ball. My friend Kyle was there to win a couple games. Even my mom and girlfriend were shooting pretty well.

Everyone was laughing and having a good time. At one point I looked at everyone smiling and thought, this is what life is all about. Family, fun, laughter, smiles. I figured right then and there that will be one of the best times of my life. I better enjoy it now before it is gone, and all of the people there are long dead. (morbid I know, but that’s what I thought about).

Years from now, I will remember this moment fondly like I am right now, as I sit at my work desk wishing that I could be there again, trying to shoot a hook shot from behind the mailbox.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

A girl named Moo

This is going to be the last post until Tuesday next week unless I feel like doing one tomorrow morning.

Why? Tomorrow, I’m going to see my sister, brother and nephew in Phoenix. My sister is flying out from Michigan to visit my brother and his new baby. I’m pretty damn excited about it, but not nearly as much as she is. She calls me everyday to bug me about it.

My sister’s name is Moo. Well, her real name is Meaghan or Megan or Meagan, I’m not really sure actually. I’ve only addressed her as Moo her whole life.

She got her nickname from Moo Goo Gai Pan. My father and step mom ordered Chinese Food when she was a baby and nicknamed her after that order. Over time, the Gai Pan was dropped, so it was just Moo Goo. Then the goo left, bringing us to just plain Moo.

Moo doesn’t like when anyone besides her immediate family and her best friends to call her Moo. Some guy who’s mom used to baby sit Moo saw her and started calling her Moo in front of everyone, she kind of got pissed.

I guess I can see why. Most girls wouldn’t like to be named Moo, I guess cause if has certain cow connotations. I supposed cows mean fat. Stupid girls.

Moo is like the best name a girl can have. It makes a girl seem very accessible, fun loving and easy to get along with, which my sister is for the most part (except the easy to get along with part, most of her boyfriends would tell you otherwise.)

Older men love Moo, probably because of all the things listed above; plus her big boobs, cherub face and fuck you attitude. Unfortunately, very much older men also like Moo, she gets hit on by 50 year olds all the time (Moo’s just graduated college, not exactly old guy material unless they have a ton of money).

I can’t wait to see Moo. Enjoy the break from imightbewrong, and I’ll be back with bigger and better blogs next week, including blogs about my movie screening and a top ten list of favorite toys. PEACE!

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Top ten super powers

Have you ever wanted to blow up your roommate with your explosive powers? Have you ever wished that you could fly? Have you ever wished that you had X-ray vision so that you can see in girl’s clothes?

I have.

Here’s my list of the top ten super powers I wish I had.

10- Shapeshifting- How awesome would it be to turn into anything you can imagine? You could turn into your friends parents and scare the shit out them. Or better yet you could turn into Jessica Alba and pretend to be interested in your friends, only to pull the rug out from underneath them. Wait, is that gay? Maybe, but it would be funny as shit.

9- Duplication- Can you imagine if you could make 15 copies of yourself? You’d never have to do all the bullshit work, you could sit back and watch as your duplicates do all the work for you!

8- Invisibility- This one is obvious. You can look at hot chicks as they shower, they would have no idea. Also, you could sneak into any concert, club or sporting event, not to mention bank vaults.

7- ESP- Super mental powers. The ability to read other peoples thoughts. This one seems like a no brainer (te he I made a dumb funny). If I could read people’s thoughts, I would probably obsess over what people thought of me. Maybe this one won’t be so good after all.

6- X ray vision- More hot chick reasons with this one.

5- Precognition- the ability to see the future. This one might also be a little scary, especially if you saw when the world ends or what your future ugly ass kids look like.

4- Teleportation- No more traffic! Think about the possibilities. And fuck that Jumper movie, that whole thing should be about Hayden Christiansen being able to get to work on time.

3- Superhuman strength- It would be awesome to be my size, walk into Gold’s Gym and out lift every mutha funka in there. Imagine me on the World’s Strongest Man competition!

2- Superhuman intelligence- I would love to be the smartest person in the world. How awesome would watching Jeopardy be? Think about all things you could invent! Man, I’m such a nerd, I’m writing a blog about superpowers and I am super excited about the ability to be smart. Hmmmmm.... I’ll now retire to watch Harry Potter movies and work on my World of Warcraft (two things I don’t like, I swear!)

1- Superhuman reflexes- There, that’s better. A super power everyone can relate to. This super power would be used not for fighting crime or helping society of course, it would be used in sports. If I had superhuman reflexes, I’d be the sickest baseball player ever. You’re not getting that fast ball past me, I’m going to slap that crap all over the infield with deadly accuracy.

There you have it, a nerdy list of super powers. Now, I’ll retire to read more X-Men comic books.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Top Ten things wrong about the Grammy’s

I watched the Grammy’s last night. Its not something I would normally do, I hate awards shows. But Sarah had to watch it, so I guess I had to also.

Here’s my top ten things that are wrong with the Grammy’s.

10-Dead people performances- they take video of a dead artist (last year Elvis, this year Frank Sinatra) and have them perform with a living artist mash up style (more on mash ups later.) What? Why? They’re dead? Ummmm.... is this supposed to be cool or something? I’m confused. It turns into all star karaoke, with a backing track from the pits of hell (I’m assuming that’s where Elvis and Frankie ended up). Just strange to me.

9-Not funny intros- Who the hell are the writers for awards shows? You writers have these people trying to make little funny quips, which never work. Then it makes both presenters look very awkward as they bite their lips at the shit that they have to say. Scratch the funny unless someone has something.... funny to say. (like when people get up there and make fun of Kayne, that’s always a good time). Which brings me to...

8-Angry spiteful speeches- Kayne has to make these speeches his soap box to remind America that he’s fucking crazy, self centered and full of hate. Telling everyone about how awesome you are and how everyone else didn’t help you is always a great way to show you’re humble. Then when you finally get to talking about your dead mom ten minutes later, they turn on the hurry up music. Good job alienating all the old people by yelling at the lady who plays the music because you used your time saying how awesome you are. That’s your own fault asshole. God I hate Kayne. Speaking of which, here’s another point about these acceptance speeches...

7-Long boring speeches- It’s simple people. Get up there, thank God, your parents, record label, band mates (if you have any) and some random celebs really fast and get off the stage. No one wants to hear you drone on with names no one knows. Fuck, put all your thanks on a blog and tell everyone to go to the blog site. Bang! You thanked everything you can think of there, and it doesn’t take up everyone else’s time that doesn’t care about your friends.

6-Long ass commercial breaks- I understand that they have a lot of stuff that they have to show in one sitting, so there isn’t room for a lot of commercial breaks. But to take a couple 10 minute commercial breaks is ridiculous. If I wasn’t surrounded by people who wanted to watch the Grammy’s, you would have lost my viewership during the second of these long capitalistic brainwashings.

5-West coast feed is three hours late- The Grammy’s start at 8 PM, regardless of where you live which means on the West Coast we get a three hour late show, even if it is filmed in LA! WTF!? Some of our friends went to the show taping, and they were out at the after parties when we first turned on the broadcast. Sarah was getting all these cryptic texts from her sister, giving her hints about the broadcast. Not fair.

4-Lifetime Achievement Awards- They announce a ton of these awards, yet they are almost like an after thought. They don’t allow the people to speak and accept the award, nor do they even really show anything about them or play much of their music. They get a 30 second blurb and that’s it. The Band deserves more than just a mention. What about a tribute to them by some of their contemporizes.

3-Crack heads winning awards- When Amy Winehouse won an award for something (I can’t remember what) she looked like someone gave her a big old bowl of crack rock. Her speech was like what I would expect someone from Snatch to say, giving shot outs to her husband in jail and London. Never give a crack head a Grammy. Unless it is Flavor Flav.

2-Too many fucking awards- They have an award categories for everything you could think of, like 500 total. I think I might have won a Grammy last night but I was too bored to read it off the bottom line scroll. I guess Obama won a Grammy last night... wait what? I’m so confused now.

1-Mash ups- It seems like every year they take a couple of artists that have absolutely no connection to each other and have them perform together. Sometimes this works out, most of the time it doesn’t. Two great examples from this year’s Grammy’s- Kid Rock doing some fucking old ass song with some broad who is old enough to be his grandma (and Rock told her she’s sexy.... gross) and the Time get back together for one show and then here comes Rihannniaaaa or however you spell her name to sing with them. But she wasn’t doing old Time songs, she’s just singing her bullshit. The Time only got one fucking song together! One song!

There Grammy's, take that list and come back to next year with something much better.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Top Ten People I want to smack in the face-

You ever have the feeling that you just want to run up to someone and smack them as hard as you can in the face. I do.

I present to you the top ten people I want to smack in the face (these are people I don’t know, if I included people I knew, my ex roommate would be number one with a bullet.)

10- Britney Spears- I placed her at 10 because it’s very easy to pick on this waste of space. Yeah she sucks as a mom, performer and human being but I kind of feel sorry for her. It doesn’t mean that I’ve given up hope of smacking her in the face, I just can’t place her nearly as high on the list.

9- Mariah Carey- I’ve never liked this chick. Yeah she’s got an okay body, if you’re into big titties. But her voice is annoying, her high note screeching is like finger nails on a chalk board. And she so full of herself, I can’t stand it. Plus, have you seen Glitter? That’s reason enough to smack the shit out of her.

8- Amy Winehouse- I actually kind of like her music. But this bitch is crack crazy. And she looks like a tranny. She could easily pass for any man dressing up like a woman on Santa Monica. And her cracky face is every where. Smack smack!

7- Colin Farrell- Talk about smug assholes. This guy couldn’t act his way into a third grade play yet he’s always working. Have you seen Miami Vice? I wanted to pick up Jamie Foxx and smack Colin across the head with him. Plus he’s fucking dick to every fan, at least that’s what they say. And you know that they never lie.

6- Dr. Phil- This guy has all the answers apparently. He knows everything. Don’t question his authority, he’s too smart for that. He’s going to fix your problems and mine and everyone else’s. You know what you could fix Dr. Phil? You could fix me a sandwich. That would be a better use of your time.

5- Kirsten Dunst- Why does this chick keep getting work? Tell me one thing that she does that’s good? She’s ugly, can’t act, can’t stay sober, can’t dress herself, etc etc. I really wanted her to die in Spiderman 1, 2 and 3. Thank God she’s not going to be in any more Spiderman movies (not that I will watch anymore of them anyway).

4- Kobe Bryant- Rapist. Braggart. Overrated. Thinks he’s God’s gift to basketball and women. Smack the shit out him until he’s unable to play the rest of the season (and the Suns win the championship!)

3- Paris Hilton- Do I have to explain this one?

2- Ann Coulter- If you don’t know who this chick is, thank the Lord above you don’t. She’s the most annoying political analyst of all time, she makes Rush Limbaugh seem as likeable as Morgan Freeman. She makes outrageous claims that she can’t back up, picks fights for the sake of publicity, and says shit just to get people riled up, even if it doesn’t make any sense.... speaking of which...

1- Stephen A. Smith- ESPN’s very own asshole. This guy and I have a personal history. He guest hosted a show I was working on and he did everything he could to become the biggest dickhole in the world. The muthafucka can’t read!!!! And he blamed it on me!!!! Fuck this guy up his stupid ass with a tuba. Not only is he illiterate and a jerk, he just yells and yells when there is no reason to. It’s like that scene in Austin Powers where he can’t control the volume of his voice. Only it’s not a temporary side effect, its permanent. And even more annoying.


There is the list, if you see any of these people, let me know. I’ll be there in a jiffy with a weighted glove, ready to knock some jaws off.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008


Oh my God! Why God Why?

The Phoenix Suns have traded for Shaquille O’neal, one of the slowest, plodding, oft injured, potentially washed up players in the NBA. Steve Kerr, the Suns GM has essentially given this team a two year ‘all or nothing’ window to get a championship or become a rebuilding team filled with old players.

As I have stated in the past in this blog, I think Shawn Marion should have been traded back in October. He is a terrible malcontent, more worried about his money and his numbers than winning a championship. To me, good riddance bitch. Don’t let the door hit your whiny ass on the way out.

But why trade Marion and his high flying, fast play that fits the Suns run and gun offense for a guy who has a terrible hip problem, an enormous contract and can’t run with the Suns?

I have a couple of justifications for it, even if I don’t necessarily believe them.

1- Shaq can match up against the bigs in the West during the playoffs. Since there are more and more big guys coming to the West (fuck the Lakers and their Pau Gasol trade), they need to find someone to match up. Amare Stoudemire isn’t the answer, as he gets into foul trouble playing at center, when he should be guarding power forwards, if he can guard anyone.

2- Shaq has been faking his injury this year so that he didn’t have to play on the worst team in the NBA. This would make sense considering Shaq plays for the post season and doesn’t give a crap about the regular season. Since the Heat weren’t going to the playoffs, why play at all? I’d sit and collect 20 million a year if I was on that team. Plus, I heard he was in a fight with Pat Riley and didn’t want to play for him anymore.

3- Shaq always plays better for one year after he gets traded. Shit, he won a championship the year he was traded to the Heat, and the year after he was traded to the Lakers if I’m not mistaken.

4- We got rid of the locker room cancer that is Shawn Marion. He was causing such a divide in morale that getting him out of there and putting in a vet who can calm egos is huge.

5- We got rid of the albatross contract of Marcus Banks, who should have never been signed in the first place and is just taking up cap space on the team. He never played to his potential since he arrived, and wasn’t going to sniff any playing time. Fuck him, get rid of him.

6- If we get a championship, just one championship out of Shaq, then its all worth it. Right? I guess that’s the big if.

The question is now, can the Suns make it through with Shaq at about half of his already slow speed? I don’t think so personally. But I guess it is worth a shot, even if it means taking the biggest gamble in recent NBA history.

There is no middle ground in this trade, it’s a huge reward or a huge bust. Who knows, maybe Shaq comes to Phoenix with another chip on his shoulder and plays lights out. If that’s the case, then this trade was just the thing the Suns needed. If not, then it was one of the biggest gaffs in team history. Only time will tell. Until then, I can just beg God that Shaq loses 45 pounds. Please God?

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Super Tuesday

------"Super Tuesday! Yeah!"

As you may or may not know, today is Super Tuesday, the day that 24 states plus America Somoa vote for the presidential primary.

I haven’t been this pumped up to vote in a long time. I ran around all morning yelling, “Super Tuesday!”

Taryn thought that a marketing team invented the fancy term Super Tuesday this year to get young people to vote. No Tayrn, according to a quick wikipedia look the term Super Tuesday has been around since the 1984 elections.

I got up extra early and went with my friend Taryn to vote at the local elementary school. As we walked up to the front office, I felt like a parent going to a student teacher conference with my estranged baby momma walking slowly in her high heels behind me.

Luckily, as soon as someone saw us, they pointed for us to go to the voting area. I guess we don’t look like parents after all!

Inside, I went straight to work. I was first in line and banged right through my ballot. Man do I feel accomplished!

I made sure to vote to make sure the Native American casinos pay taxes. My mom has given enough money to these people, its time they start giving some back.

I voted for some other stuff, like lower the city sales tax on cell phones (at least that’s what I think it is... hmmmm I should have researched that one better.)

And last but not least, I voted for Barack Obama. Why? It was tough decision for sure. I honestly went back and forth between Obama and Clinton all month. I finally settled on Obama because I want a new take, a fresh view on politics. He may not have the experience, but he certainly has the charisma and ‘audacity of hope’.

I’m not sure if he can win the nomination, but whoever does and eventually wins the presidential election will be a fresh change after 8 years of Bush (that sounds like an epic porno title.)

But until they figure it all out, I can enjoy the excitement of today and yell out ‘Super Tuesday!’ to everyone I see!

Monday, February 4, 2008

Get off the ledge Pats fans

“It is completely unnecessary to suffer several days’ emotional devastation just because your team loses some big postseason deal like the Super Bowl. Why on Earth would you place your happiness and peace of mind in the hands of several dozen strangers? Listen, folks, if they win, fine; if they lose, fuck ‘em! Let ‘em practice more. As for you, for Chrissakes find something to do! Get your ass down to the massage parlor and spring for a blow job,” - George Carlin.

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Yesterday was one of the best Super Bowls of all time. It had all the heart tugging tension, last minute heroics and interesting story lines of a football movie. It was David versus Goliath. I think most of America wanted David to win.

But what about those Goliath fans out there?

Yeah, if you’re a Patriots fan, you must heartbroken I’m sure. The thoughts of an undefeated season and the history books are gone (even though you will still be in the history books as the team that fucked up, which probably hurts more than anything.)

But you can’t commit suicide because they lost.

If sports have taught me anything is that life is way too short to worry about how you lost. I guess that has to do with the teams that I cheer on. If you’re a Lions fan, you also would stop caring if you won or lost. You’d just be happy if your team didn’t draft a wide receiver in the first round for the tenth straight year.

But if you are from Boston or the New England area, you’ve built yourself up as this unstoppable sports fan. You’re Sox just won the World Series, you’ve put together a powerhouse with the Celtics and you’re beloved Pats are undefeated errrrr... was undefeated.

What’s the phrase, never get to high or too low? Is that it? Or is it, don’t get to full of yourself. Or, don’t think that your shit don’t stink...

Say what you want about the game, the players, the injuries (was Brady’s boot the cause of this?), the hoopla and the hype- fuck all of that. It doesn’t matter. That’s why they play the game. You might look like the best team on paper, but if you’re not the best on the field, than who cares.

If you feel like there is no chance to lose, then you probably are going to lose. And if you do lose after being full of yourself, don’t beat yourself up. Give a day and then get over it. Go get some clam chowda’ and go down to ‘Ha’vard yahd and beat up some smaht kids.’ That always seems to make Matt and Ben happy.

Friday, February 1, 2008

Weekend review

Hey gang! Here’s a quick weekend preview/week wrap up, I’ve got to et back to creating a website. (Fuck me I hate programming a website!)

-First off, LOST. Last night had me super amped up, like the first day of the football season (aka the only time the Lions seem like they could make the playoffs). The episode didn’t disappoint, there was a lot going on and a lot more questions presented to us. Can’t wait for the next one.

-Speaking of which, please take care of this strike guys! I read an article that if it doesn’t get taken care of soon, it might wait until the fall. THE FALL??!?!?!?!?!?! Fuck me, how am I going to find a job out there?

-Another speaking of which, I heard more terrible news about the job market today on NPR. Our economy is in the shitter. Was there a better time to move to Canada? I couldn’t imagine graduating from college right now (like my sister, and my girlfriend in 6 months). Its going to be tough getting jobs. Ouch.

-Super Bowl. I can’t wait to see this game. My friends may come over to watch it, although I may have to go to my girl’s work to watch it, just to support her and Taryn, who wants to watch it there and spend a ton of money. I, on the other hand, don’t have much money, so staying home and eating cheaper food sounds good. Plus the beers are much cheaper.

-XBOX 360. My Xbox got the ‘three lights of death’ the other day. If you’re not familiar with this, it means my Xbox died. I had to send it in, apparently this happens all the time. Who makes a product that the company has to recall and pay around 150 dollars to repair? I guess a company who wanted to make a cheap product and get it out fast.

-I’m acting and shooting some quicky shorts this weekend for fun. Man, I can’t wait. I miss actually shooting something, instead of doing all the other shit that happens after you shoot, like editing and sound mixing and getting it into festivals and press kits and websites...

-Which brings me to websites. Man, I had no idea how hard it would be to do this shit. I’ve really struggled to get some of these things together, the program I am using is so fucking confusing! You do something and think its going to work and then it doesn’t update. Fuck it!

-Personal note- Never tell a girl she smells like menstaration. Girls don’t like that apparently.

Well, I hope you guys enjoy your weekend. Go Pats errrr Giants... fuck it. Go both teams!

Thursday, January 31, 2008

Top Ten Old People you would have sex with

If you had to sleep with a current old person, perhaps someone famous, who would it be.? I recently asked this question to a few friends and we got some really strange responses.

Here’s the list of top ten old people you would have sex with if you had to fuck an old person. (there are five men and five ladies, making this a bi sexual list...)

10- Ali McGraw- (70) I’ve always had a thing for this chick, every since I saw Love Story and the Getaway. She used to look like Kate Mara looks now. How does she look now? I’m not sure. But man she used to be hot and she’s still alive.

9- Harrison Ford- (66) The girl from down the hall at work loves this dude. What’s not to love, he’s been two of the most memorable characters of all time, Han Solo and Joe Gavilan from Hollywood Homicide. My friend Taryn disagrees, her direct quote “I can’t date someone who wears a gay ass ear ring.” I can understand that, he’s old enough to collect Social Security, he doesn’t need an ear ring. But apparently Taryn can date someone who has a gay ass lip piercing (inside joke at Dayn’s expense)

Also, Harrison Ford gets crazy stoned... bonus points...

8- Diane Lane- (43) Ok she’s not old. In all actuality, she’s only 43. 43! But every time you mention her to a guy, they’re like, “I’d bag that old ass.” Dude, she’s not that old! Why does every guy think she’s so old? I thought I would include her to make a point. She may look old, but she could be much older. Plus, she seems to be topless and getting screwed in all her movies. Good times.

7- Anderson Cooper (41) Here’s the male equivelent to Diane Lane. Chicks love this dude and think he’s old. Just because he has gray hair chicks think he’s much older and much hotter than he really is. Is that all it takes, is a little gray hair? That’s cool, I’ve got graying thin hair, I look ten years older than I am too! Love me please! Plus my girl says that this dude is gay. Sorry ladies.

6- Jane Fonda- (71) This one is for my boy Adam Bradley. He pointed her out and I have to agree, she’s still got it. I’ve never really thought she was that hot but man she takes care of herself to this day. And who doesn’t want to fuck Barbarella?

5- Sean Connery- (78) Another old ass dude who played some pretty big roles( what girl doesn't want to fuck James Bond?). Women always find him sexy. I hear he’s kind of a dick, but whatever, women love assholes. Strange to think that he was cast at Harrison’s father in Indiana Jones, yet he’s only 12 years older. Hmmmmm.

4- Audrey Hepburn- (dead, she would be 79) I’ve always had a thing for this girl. She’s so cute. Too cute... so cute it makes my penis confused... she’s like a telli tubby mixed with a porn star. But alas, she’s dead. Now I can only jerk off to her corpse (just kidding, you can get worms from doing that). But look at the picture above from 1991, she took care of herself and even looked good in old age!

3- George Clooney- (47) Again not that old but chicks think he’s super hot. And I respect him, so I have to put him on this list. Maybe I should have put Robert Redford and Clint Eastwood on this list, they’re much older... hmmmm.

2- Ingrid Bergman- (also dead, she would be 93) Being such a huge Casablanca fan, I couldn’t leave her off the list. But of course, when I went to look up her age, she’s dead, died when I was four years old. Shit, I guess this list is turning into dead old chicks I would bang. Shit. I should have put Cleopatra on here.

1- Michelle Pfeiffer- (50) Man, she’s 50? She’s the best looking 50 year old that I can remember shit. I was never a big Pfeiffer fan, I never had a boner for this chick before. But looking at her at the premiere of the 2007 shitty film Stardust, damn. I’m impressed. I did think she was pretty hot in Scarface, shit you could bang her while listening to ‘Gangsta’s Paradise’ for comic relief. That would be pretty hot.

So that was only four guys and six girls... ‘you lied to us J!’ Well, I can’t end the list with a guy, that would be gay. Secondly, I can’t have too many dead women on the list, it makes me look like a necro. Third, it’s my list, I can break my own rules.

Others who didn’t make the list- Cindy Crawford, Diane Keaton, the chick from Married with Children, Debra Winger, Dolly Parton (who looks like she’s 18 year old robot now from too much plastic surgery), Lynda Carter and Estelle Getty.