World’s Worst Comedians

Where have you gone Richard Pryor?

When my girlfriend asked me to check out her friend’s first attempt at stand up comedy, I figured how bad could it be. I had no idea that it would be one of the most uncomfortable nights in recent memory.

New Year’s Night (aka the night you try to get over the worst hangover of the year) we went to the Comedy Store for this amateur stand up night. I’d had actually been to this event once a couple months ago and it wasn’t too bad. It was certainly entertaining enough and only a few people bombed.

But New Year’s night was different. I don’t know if all the comedians were still drunk (or on Crystal Meth like one comedian) but damn, it was tough to sit there.

For the first time in years, I was so embarrassed for other people that it made me feel embarrassed.

The host of the event bombed terribly, I couldn’t tell if what she was trying to say was even comedy at all, just really boring stories. If the host bombs, that’s a bad sign. It was the harbinger of terrible things on the horizon. One after one, each person took a shit on the stage. One guy (the Crystal Meth guy) could have very easily been a homeless guy they pulled off the street and asked to say a few words to us about how shitty his life was.

Two comedians stood out in my mind. The first one was so nervous, he was trying to read jokes off of note cards that he laid on the floor. His comedic delivery to us the audience was like Osama Bin Laden telling American jokes to Congress. By the end of his act, he was literally fighting off tears to get through it all. Ouch. It made me feel like crying just watching him.

The second guy got on stage and didn’t say a word. For six minutes. Six minutes of silence, staring at this crazy child molester looking guy. It was so awkward that it hurt my face and brain. There were a few uncomfortable laughs, but for the most part, no one said a word.

And this event was never ending, my girlfriend’s friend told us to be there early and then he didn’t go on until 3 hours later. 3 hours of excruciatingly bad comedy; nails on the chalk board of comedy.

Finally when my girlfriend’s friend did his thing I was ready to slit my wrists to end the agony. The friend wasn’t too bad but in comparison to those other acts, he could have punched me in the nose and it would have been funnier than the other comedians.

After the friend ended, I ran out of the room before another act could step up. As I left, I passed by a well known stand up guy who was working the real stage next door. I wanted to beg him to go the amateur night and teach, but I knew it was futile. You can led a camel to water, but you can’t get it to be funny.