The other day, my buddy Chef Mike smoked a bunch of pot with George W. Bush. Maybe you’ve heard of him? He’s the president of the United States. What does Mike do after he smokes? He goes to Fat Burger of course.
(Mike and George walk into Fat Burger. An enormous line turns around and looks at the President, Mike and the several Secret Service agents that follow.)
Mike- Fuck. Muthafuckin’ long ass line yo. Every time I’m here, there’s a muthafuckin’ long ass line.
George- Michael, Michael, Michael you forget who I am. (clears throat and annunciates) Fellow Americans. I’m pleased to be here at this fine eating establishment. I encourage you to get out there and help the US economy by spending money. As our your honored guest, I appreciate your hospitality of letting me and my colored friend here enjoy the tasty burger goodness.
(George and Mike walk to the front of the line. The costumers curse under their breath. The Secret Service grab the costumers and pull them outside.)
M- Nice job G. I got get me some of those black suit muthafuckas. Whatcho getting’ bitch?
G- I got a lot of Ph.D.-types and smart people around me who come into the Oval Office and say, 'Mr. President, here's what's on my mind.' And I listen carefully to their advice. But having gathered the advice, I decide, you know, I say, 'This is what we're going to do.'
M- What muthafuckin’ burger you getting dawg?
G- My job is a decision-making job, and as a result, I make a lot of decisions. I’m going to get the triple king burger.
M- What? No way muthafucka. That’s the shit that gets yo’ picture on the wall and you get that T-shirt. Your sweet Texas ass can’t hold that much shit, it’ll explode and shit.
G- You misunderestimate me.
(The Fat Burger employee clears his throat.)
Fat Burger Employee- Welcome to Fat Burger. How can I help you?
G- Hello my Latin friend. Has anyone told you that you look like Alberto Gonzales? He he he.
FBE- Ah no.
G- Well Alberto, you know. When I’m hungry, I’m hungry. And right now, I’m hungry. I’d like your finest triple king burger sir, with skinny fries and a large coke.
M- Are you sure about that man? Last chance to change your mind bitch.
G- We’re going to stay the course Michael. Whoa, I just realized. I’m really high.
M- Of course you are bitch. We smoked a big ass blunt of that chronic shit. That’s why I’m saying yo, don’t do this triple burger shit man.
G- Too late. Process my order Pedro.
FBE- What about you sir, what can I get you?
M- Oh yeah, hey G, I need to borrow some cash. Dayn’s got all my money.
G- You never have money Michael.
M- I got money, I just give it to Dayn. That way, I don’t spend money. He’s like my bank.
G- It’s okay, this one is on the government.
M- That’s what I like to hear. I’ll take a king burger with bacon, egg and cheese. I’ll take fat fries and a lemonade.
FBE- That will be $26.53.
G- Good Lord that’s a lot of money for some burgers.
M- It’s worth it yo.
(George pays for the burgers)
FBE- Here’s your change and your number sir. We’ll bring your food out to you. Have a great day.
G- Thank you my fellow American. You know, this burger is important to the American people. This business is important to America.
(George and Mike take the number and sit down next to the jukebox.)
G- I’m so high Michael. I think I might have smoked too much.
M- Hell no, once you eat that huge burger, you’re going to need to smoke again to get a 15 pound shit out yo’ ass.
G- I hope this food gets here soon…
(To be continued in episode two… the jukebox and the triple burger arrives!)
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