Pain

My back is fucking killing me. Man, it hurts constantly. I can’t stop the pain, no matter how many painkillers and muscle relaxers I take, or bourbon that I drink.

I was in a car accident last Friday and that is the cause of my terrible pain. I was on the freeway when every car came to a complete stop in front of me. I stopped the car and look in my rear view, there is another car barreling down on me, with no hopes of stopping in time.

CRACK! The impact sound was startling, I thought we were all going to be seriously hurt. Turns out God was on our side and there were no major injuries and my car is barely screwed up. Thanks Toyota for making such a strong car.

The only problem is that in the process of the accident, I fucked my back up bad. Mind you, the pain is terrible, but I’ve felt worse, on several occasions.

When I was 15 I broke my wrist. I was playing basketball with some guys that I hung out with. I decided that we should take running starts from the other side of the court, jump onto a table and then dunk a basketball. Sounded like a great idea at the time. When I dunked, my legs had so much forward momentum that they swung from underneath me. I dropped basically from ten feet up directly onto my wrist.

OUCH. And I mean O U C H.

I went home and my step dad told me my wrist is just sprained and to not worry about it. How was I supposed to not worry about the bone sticking up the wrong way or the fact that I couldn’t see straight because I was in such pain? I wanted to go to the hospital. My step dad wouldn’t have any part of it. Unfortunately, the voice of reason, my mom, was out of town on business but she would be back early in the morning.

That night I tossed and turned in bed, the pain of my broken wrist taking over my entire body. When my mom came home the next morning, I was awake on the couch, holding ice to my broken bone. My mom saw the damage and immediately took me to the doctor, where I found out that my suspicions were right all along, my wrist was broken.

That pain was pretty bad, so was getting a beer bottle broken over my face.

In college, I had a friend named Kelly. One night when I came home to the dorms, she was hanging out with some meat head guys. She left those guys to come and hang out with me and my friend Aaron. These guys thought I must be cock blocking them, when that couldn’t have been further from the truth. They walked behind Kelly, Aaron and I, saying little remarks under their breath. I was starting to get pissed but I was going to let it slide until we got to my dorm door. The guys ducked into an elevator and yelled out a bunch of insults to me and my friend Aaron.

Now, a smart level-headed person would have just walked away. At the time, I wasn’t one of those people.

I opened my front door and grabbed a baseball bat. I needed an advantage.
There were three of them, and one of me, possibly two is Aaron followed me.

I ran down the stairs like the Flash and got to the bottom floor just as these meatheads were walking away. I told them to say that shit to my face. BIG MISTAKE.

As I said this, Aaron came running down the stairs, his two packs of cigs a day habit made it hard for him to keep up. I turn back around to engage the bullies when I was hit with the hardest punch of my life. It immediately blinded me, sending blood into my eyes.

I struggled as one guy grabbed me and tried to take the bat out of my hands. Blind, I tried to swing, but I couldn’t hit him.

He finally preyed the bat away from me. As I laid on the ground, I could picture him with some sort of sixth sense, pulling the bat up to swing down on me. But he hesitated and ran away. Thank God he did, I could have died with a couple of bat hits to the head.

By the time it was over, I still couldn’t see anything.

The cops showed up and asked us what had happened. We told them everything. Aaron said that I had gotten hit in the head with a full beer bottle. I was like, “I did?”

Apparently the phantom hardest punch of my life was actually a beer bottle being thrown from five feet away, directly to my head. As I turned back around, I caught the bottle right between the eyes. I was very lucky, if I turned a micro second later or early, I would be missing an eye or worse, could have died.

The next couple of weeks, my face was so bad that I couldn’t even leave bed. The pain and swelling were too much to bare.

On second thought, maybe this back pain isn’t so bad after all…