Going back to the future

Weed is a hell of a drug. It will make you laugh, make you eat food, make you forget what you said five seconds before. It will also make you think you can go back to the future.

In college, Bradford, Kyle, Fudgeshop and I were driving to go see a movie at the local mall. Of course, we were super stoned at the time, more so than usual I suppose. Kyle remarked how the mall parking lot looking similar to the Hill Valley mall parking lot where Marty went to the past in Back to the Future.

I looked over to the driver Bradford. He had this crazed look in his eyes. He smiled this wicked smile, something you would see a cartoon villain do before he turned on a device to end the world. He

Then Bradford did the unthinkable. He put the peddle to the metal.

“What the hell are you doing?!” I asked Bradford.

“We got to get this thing up to 88 if we’re going to go back to the future,” Bradford said matter of factly.

“You’re what? Stop fucking around, we got to get to the movie…”

But Bradford wouldn’t listen, he was a man possessed. He had the need, the need for speed.

20 miles an hour. 30. 40. 50. I looked at the guys in the back seat, they were holding their seat belts for dear life with white knuckled hands. The grim look on their faces screamed apprehension.

We were going break some sort of record for largest speeding ticket in a parking lot. 60. 70. 80.

We had already done a lap of the entire mall at this point, flying past parked cars. But when we did finally did reach 88, we didn’t leave burned tire marks and shoot back to 1955. We came to a complete stop.

Bradford turned to me and smiled. I looked in the back seat, the guys were practically holding each other with fear. Then someone laughed, then another one, then we all fell into uproarious laughter.

To this day whenever I see that mall or Marty McFly, I think of that night when we almost went back to the future.

God bless Bradford, Back to the Future and most of all WEED.

Bob Dylan

“Now all the authorities
They just stand around and boast
How they blackmailed the sergeant at arms
Into leaving his post
And picking up angel who
Just arrived here from the coast
Who looked so fine at first
But left looking just like a ghost…”

Bob Dylan played by his own rules. He said to hell with the authorities and popular opinion, “I’d had it with the whole scene.”

I always appreciated Dylan’s music, although I did think his early work got a little monotonous. But after watching Martin Scorsese’s documentary ‘No Direction Home’, Dylan; the man, the myth and the legend inspired me.

‘No Direction Home’ is a very rich look at the life and times of Bob Dylan leading up to his motorcycle accident and focusing on the change of his folk music into his Highway 61 Revisited and when he went ‘Electric’. Throughout Scorsese’s documentary it is apparent that Marty wanted to focus on certain sections of Dylan’s life and the scene and skip other topics. That’s fine, even though it was a little manipulative. But what truly shines through is Dylan’s attitude and his way of doing things.

Whatever the man wanted and wanted to do, he did it.

When Bob was starting out, he wanted to be a better guitar player, listen to every folk record, and move to New York to play. Soon, he was in Greenwich Village, playing everyday in front of audiences and stealing records from friends and associates.

Dylan wanted to record and have a record out. Boom, he became a self promoter, went and told people about himself, hung out with promoters, tried his damnest to get there.

He was sick of the folk music scene and wanted to change styles. He went electric and half of his audience hated him for it. But eventually, he made his audience follow what he thought was cool, and not the other way around.

Man, it hit me in the face like a two by four. Whatever the man wanted and wanted to do, he did it.

I need to be more Dylan like. Stop worrying about people saying no. Stop worrying about people not liking what I do. Be happy with my work, my art and if someone doesn’t like it, fuck ‘em, “play it fucking loud.”

Thank you Bob Dylan.

Chef Mike's fart

As we waited to my new born nephew, Chef Mike had to fart. Really bad. My family, my girlfriend and I were standing in the hallway when Mike excused himself, walked into the other room and released the biggest fart I’ve ever been a part of.

I’ve been known for my own flatulence, its smell and the volume of my farts. But my toots paled in comparison to this monster fart.

Within seconds, the entire first floor of the hospital smelled like a sulfur mine mixed with a million dead rats.

I ran away from the smell and its source to no avail, it moved faster than my legs could carry me. I was on the phone at the time and my sister swore that she smelt something through the cell phone.

Its one in a million, the widowmaker, Mike’s ultimate fart. I commend you on your achievement Chef Mike. Amazing.

New Life

Wow, what a Thanksgiving. Turkey was great, Chef Mike made crazy mashed potatoes with his culinary skills and the Lions lost yet again. But all of that paled in comparison to the surprise of the holiday weekend- the birth of my nephew, Cian Thomas Smith.

I woke up at 8:30 AM on Saturday morning to my mom telling Chef Mike that my brother’s wife went to the hospital at 2 AM, she was going to have the baby soon. We all hurried to get ready so we could be there for the birthing. We hurried up to wait apparently…

I always pictured the whole birthing process to be like you see it in the movies. You rush to the hospital and the heavily-breathing mother gets pushed into the operating room on a gurney, with the family running behind her. The door shuts in the face of the family who then paces back and forth for a few minutes before a nurse comes out and says it’s a boy or a girl. Then the family walks to a window where 50 babies sit in a room behind a glass window. The family points the new addition to the family, cry, fawn and hug. Then the proud poppa comes out and gives everyone cigars.

Nope, that’s not how it works at all. The quick urgent feeling in the movies couldn’t be further from the truth.

My mom, dad, girlfriend, Chef Mike and I got there and went to the room where my brother and his wife were getting ready. My brother walked out of the door and closed it behind him, told us to sit tight and that the baby would be here in 30 minutes. Yeah right.

We waited in the waiting room (cause that’s what you do in a waiting room is wait). You sit inside a glass window much like these babies in movies do, people walking by and looking in on your like you’re a caged animal. You kind of are really, until the moment the baby comes and you can get out. Its like the penalty box.

Hour one rolled by. Hour two. We all went for a walk. I bought a pack of cards and we played war. Hour three went by. Hour Four. Then a text from my brother, should be any second. Hour five. Hour six. Then another text that just said ‘C Section’. We all went to eat, cause that’s what you do after sitting for 6 hours and you’ve watched Sex and the City for hours, you need food. Then we came back to the waiting room, no news. “Man, where was this kid?! I’ll go in there myself with some salad tongs and pull that kid out if they need me to…”

Suddenly, after hours of waiting and during our 50th game of War; I got a text message that said, “IT’S A BOY. Cian Thomas Smith. Pronounced kee un.”

The entire room slowed down, like a bullet time scene in the Matrix. Its unbelievable to me the feeling that you get when a new family member appears out of what appears thin air, after months of anticipation and hours of waiting. We all hugged each other, my step dad, my mom and I sharing a special moment with my girlfriend and Chef Mike. My step dad was so touched when he heard that his name would be the baby’s middle name that he cried.

Immediately, I sent out a million text messages and phone calls to everyone that knew, my sisters, my other nephew. My stepdad let himself out to have a private moment with his mom, a first time great grandmother. Through the window, I saw tears stream from his eyes.

Finally we would get to see this kid! I figured we would all stand outside a window and get to see my new nephew like in the movies, I guess that doesn’t happen either.

We would take turns going to see mommy and the new baby in a recovery room instead. My mom went first, then my step dad then me. As my brother and I walked through the hallway to see Cian, I felt so proud of my brother. He was once this little turd who couldn’t stop getting in trouble and now he’s a father.

I thought about what our Dad must be thinking in heaven or hell or pregatory or wherever he is. He always told me that I raised Sean, because my mother was always working and he was gone out of our life. That meant I was the only one to take care of him, tell him right from wrong. Hell, when my bro got thrown out of the house for being a degenerate, he lived with me when I was in college. I always tried to steer him clear of trouble, but I probably wasn’t very good at it. It wasn’t until he met his wife that he finally got his stuff together. And now look at him…

Its weird to think that my brother who is three years younger than me, who I practically raised, who was the biggest fuck up growing up; is already married, has a kid and is making roughly 4 times what I make out here in Hollywood.

He’s all grown up. I’m still not there yet. Its like I’m the little brother now.

I know my step dad lets me know it enough. Every time I visit him, he hits me with snide remarks and comments about how I’m not living up to his standard. It fucking hurts. Its not like I’m not trying. I’d love to have all the things that my brother does; money, family, nice clothes and a house but I can’t right now. I’m trying like hell to get further along, to have a high paying job in Hollywood, to make something of myself. I don’t need the pressure from him, my own guilt is pressure enough.



But all of that melted away the minute I saw Cian Thomas, the cutest baby in the world. He melted my heart. I’m a proud uncle for the second time, this being the first time I was there for the actual pregnancy and birthing. Man it feels good.

As you can see, he’s a big kid already. It took his mommy like 16 hours to try to pop him out, only to finally get a C section. Man, that must of hurt…

Honestly, today feels weird because of Cian, but in a good way. Its like everything that I have on plate seems a little less important. All of these problems that I was having, all the worries about money, career, status and everything aren’t nearly as important as that 8 lbs. 4 oz, 21 and a half inch little boy that lives in Phoenix. He has his whole life ahead of him and two loving parents that care about him so much, and two grandparents… and one uncle…

Happy Thanksgiving

In 24 or so hours, I will be eating mashes potatoes and gravy. Thank God for that. What other things am I thankful for on this festive holiday? Glad you asked.

-My parents for consistently supporting me in my quest to make it in Hollywood.

-My short movie Tag is finally done after months of being in post. A weight of a thousand Britney Spearses has been lifted off my chest. Also, that I was able to get it done in time to apply for the Phoenix Film Festival. I hope it gets in.

-I will have another niece or nephew coming soon, maybe on Thanksgiving day.

-Tejava iced tea.

-Oscar season is coming up so good movies are coming out now. The list of movies that I want to watch is longer than the list of people I owe money to.

-Radiohead’s In Rainbows box set gets shipped soon.

-I have a fast metabolism that has slowed down only enough for me to have a little pot belly.

-America’s economy is doing so well, gas prices are low and the stock market is up. Oh wait, that was 1997, not 2007. My bad.

-I have a girlfriend who understands that I’m crazy and in fact loves it.

-Netflix. What a great invention. Now, I have to watch movies faster than the mail.

-My beautiful dog Parker and the little things that she does that make me laugh.

-The weather, thank God its not 100 still. Fucking global warming.

-My sister graduating college and potentially moving to LA.

-Fantasy Football, I’m number one in both of my leagues (by typing this I have just jinxed myself for sure)

-I’d say thanks for the Detroit Lions and Phoenix Suns if they both didn’t consistently let me down.

-My friends who help me out with my hair brained schemes and plans.

-Happy Ending Bar that opened up next to my house and has the NFL package on Sundays. Thanks for taking my money and making everything so fucking expensive. Also thanks for making the best Kobe burger on the planet.

-The WGA for completely fucking up my chances of selling a script in the near future. Greedy bastards.

-Reefer for making my back not hurt so much. Also Dr. Mike Yanigita for the chiropractor work.

-Rolling Stone magazine for being a source of continued coolness.

-BBQ chicken sandwiches.

-Music for making me forget my problems.

-I’m not dead.

There’s probably some others but I don’t feel like typing anymore. Happy Thanksgiving people!

Del Taco versus Taco Bell

I’ve had too many arguments about the merits of Del Taco lately. A large number of my friends refuse to try Del Taco for some fucking reason. They say that they prefer Taco Bell and won’t even take the taco taste test.

Well, frankly, I’m sick of it. Del Taco deserves its place in the fast food pantheon. It’s not that I don’t like Taco Bell, I do. But Del Taco has a few items that are much better than Taco Bell. In fact, I think Del Taco is better overall than Taco Bell.

Here’s the tale of the tape, a head to head comparison of the two restaurants from someone who loves Mexican Food more than sex.

Overall food quality-

Del Taco has Taco Bell beat pretty bad. The beans at Del Taco are made fresh everyday, while Taco Bell’s are freeze dried. The cheese at Del Taco is fresh and tasty, the cheese at Taco Bell is okay at best. The tortillas at Taco Bell are generic, Del Taco has fresh tasting ones. The beef at both places are bad, but Del Taco’s has a tiny bit better taste.

Del Taco wins in a landslide.

Menu Selection-

I have to admit, Taco Bell has quite a few selections. But every single one of them is a variation on another item. Add a gordita shell to one taco, boom, you’ve got a double decker taco. Wrap a burrito around a tostada, you got a crunchwrap supreme. Is this method really creating a new food? I’m not sure. But damn if it isn’t tasty.

Del Taco on the other hand has the standard items but also has two things that Taco Bell doesn’t, Hamburgers and French fries. Most people wouldn’t go to a Del Taco for the burgers, but they are tasty. And the French fries, man they are good. They have the right level of salt and when you get them with chili and cheese, they are out of this world.

I’m going to call this one a draw, its hard to chose the burgers and fries option over the crunchwrap supreme.

Hot Sauce-

Taco Bell has a couple of options; mild, hot, and fire. All of these sauces aren’t good but they seem to taste good on Taco Bell food. Also, the hot and fire are not as labeled, they’re mild at best.

Del Taco has two sauces; mild and Del Scorcho. The mild sauce is gross, a total waste of time in my opinion. The Del scorcho is amazing, not really hot but hot enough and tastes like actual Mexican people made it.

Advantage Del Taco.

So basically, Del Taco wins in a landslide. Take that Taco Bell!

Anybody who argues with me from now on about this one, I’m sending them this blog.

Ode to my girlfriend

Guys don’t like to talk about how much they love their girlfriends to other guys. It’s like showing how pussy whipped you are. Well, I’m about to change that.

I have the best girlfriend ever. There are a hundred million reasons why I love her. First and foremost, she puts up with my ass, which makes her stronger than Hercules.

The other reasons… why don’t I break them down into a top ten list? Everyone loves top ten lists, just ask Dave Letterman’s mom. Here they are, in no particular order.

10- Patience- Mentioned in the opening, she’s like the Mother Theresa of my world. I’m such a pain in the ass all the time, and she takes everything in stride. When I’m pissed off that I’m stuck in traffic, she calms me down.

9- Smarts- She’s the smartest woman that I know. She’s doing great in school, just about to graduate. She had this test that she had to study for that was unreal; she had to basically memorize a bunch of extremely tough passages, who wrote them and what impact they had. I worked with her on them and I was convinced it was impossible to know this crap. She got an A on her test. Plus she’s street smart. Not many girls I know have street smarts unfortunately.

8- Beautiful- Everything about her is beautiful. I love her green eyes, the way they rest in on her face. I love her cheek bones. I love her little nose. I love her chin. I love her ears… I could go on and on…

7- Willing to try new things- She’s always getting into things that I like; football, fantasy sports, movies, music, djaying etc. She’s adventurous and will jump at the chance to do something out of the ordinary.

6- Fun loving- She’s always laughing, smiling and pleased with the world. She makes even the most mundane tasks fun and enjoyable. Her attitude is infectious, she makes you want to smile back at her.

5- Caring- She truly cares about me. She almost motherly in a way, when I hurt, she hurts. She’s worried about me when I’m down. But besides my own needs; she cares society, the helpless people and the planet as a whole.

4- Strong- My girl could beat up your girl. She’s tough. She won’t back down from a fight. Plus, she’s mentally tough, things don’t bother her much. She’s also strong muscle wise for a girl.

3- Stubborn- She’s stubborn in a good way. When she has her mind set on something, there’s nothing that can get in her way. She’s committed to her values and ideals. Plus, if she wants me to do something, I have to do it or I’ll never hear the end of it, but in a good way.

2- Leader- She’s the leader of the pack. At her old job, she was the boss. In her friends, everyone waits for her to do something or set something up because she’s expected to. In every other situation, people flock to her for guidance because she has a cool head and knows how to delegate authority.

1-Big heart- She’s a bleeding heart. She reaches out to the sick and lonely. She cares about homeless people (which I don’t have the capacity to do). She cares about me (I’m like sick lonely and homeless all at the same time.)

These are just ten of the billions of things about my girl that make her the most special lady I’ve met. Does that make me p whipped? Yes, but I don’t care. I love her that much.

Amsterdam

Man, I miss Europe. I went to Europe after I graduated from ASU in 2001 (man, was it that long ago?) and fell in love with it. I always told myself I would go back but I haven’t yet. Who knows, after I get laid off because of the strikes, maybe I could move there and make movies in France.

I had many favorites places in Europe, Amsterdam being in the top two. Why Amsterdam? Why not?

I always pictured Amsterdam as this seedy place where it was perpetually night, shady characters dart into alleys and you would be scared for your life at all times. I couldn't be more wrong. It's clean, nice and I never felt in trouble.

Amsterdam has it all; art, culture, nice people, good food, beautiful canals, dutch flowers, drugs and legal prostitution; everything a growing boy needs to survive.

I didn’t partake in the prostitution when I was there but I do have an awesome story from someone who did.

One night I decided to hit the town on my own, without my two best friends who I was traveling with. Once out, I enjoyed many Heinekens and lots of Dutch weed. It was great, I highly recommend it. At one of the ‘coffee’ shops, I ran into a guy from Cuba. We hit it off right away, talking about a million things. He proceeded to get me more and more wasted. In an hour, I was faced. We were laughing hard when he told me that he had something to show me.

We walked to the Red Light District. In the windows of the multiple hundreds of years old homes were hookers hanging out. When they got a customer, they will close the curtains and get busy.

We found the building that Juan was looking for. He pointed out a brunette, the hottest in the building.

“What do you think of that one dere?” Juan asked in his funny accent.

“She’s hot,” I started to get a weird feeling. Why did Juan bring me here? Was he like some sort of recruiter for hookers. I wasn’t about to fuck a hooker, no matter how hot she was.

Juan cleared his throat. “She is a man,” he said matter of factly with his Cuban accent.

Wow. I mean wow. What does one say after this?

I asked him, “How do you know that?”

“I don’t vant to talk about it,” Juan replied.

No talk needed, I understood right away.

That’s why Europe is awesome, stuff like that doesn’t happen in the good ol’ USA.

Making Fun of Death

I make fun of death. A lot. Tell jokes about it. Make fun of people who died. Shit, I’m part of a band that makes fun of dying. Or at least I think I still am.

Sarah’s Mom really hates our band. She wants Sarah to stop making our music. I understand why. Our lyrics are… ummm, how do I say this… over the top. But that’s the point really. Shock value for laughs. We’re not seriously going to chop off someone’s head, or stalk them and put on their underwear.

When Sarah told me her mom felt that she should stop singing these parodies and funny songs, I was hurt at first. Didn’t she understand that we weren’t serious? Didn’t she see the humor in making fun of the tragedy of death and killing?

Sarah’s mom said that she now knows what Alice Cooper’s mother must have felt like. Isn’t that a great example of why our making fun of death should work? Alice is a huge Christian, helps the community, loves puppies, kids and bunnies. If he can sing about all the same crazy shit as us, is it any different? You can sing about death and still be a good person.

And while Alice’s music is very aggressive, ours is fun and dare I say… pop music.

Our music is the same as acting really. Did Robert Englund go on a killing spree with knife hands after doing “The Nightmare on Elm Street”? Did Kevin Spacey become a serial killer after he did Seven? Did Al Pacino want to shoot people with a M16 after he did Scarface? NO, NO and NO.

Maybe she’s right though. Maybe we should stop it before it begins. After all, death is a serious subject, especially if you’ve just lost a loved one. I can understand the pain. I don’t think that’s the reason why she hates it thought. More so, I think her mom and people in general are afraid of dying and talking about death in general. It’s easier to bury your head in the sand.

Am I afraid of dying? Yes, but only a little. To quote RZA from the Gravediggers album, “There’s no need to cry, because we all die.” The way I look at it, I’m going to die some day, maybe tomorrow, maybe in 70 years. But it will happen.

Does dying suck? Yes, it does. But it’s the only constant in our world, the great equalizer. Every one of us will die, whether we like it or not.

So should we be afraid of death, dying and killing or should we embrace the fact that it’s going to happen? I think only when you do realize that death is part of life, that you can live your life to the fullest. I know I have.

But is it insensitive to make fun of killing and death? Maybe… but I think the best way to cope with any problems is to be able to make fun of it. I don’t know if that’s a poor defense mechanism for coping, nor do I care. All I know is that it helps me and that’s all that matters.

I’m going to keep making fun of death and killing, even if I don’t have a musical avenue to express it.

Foot in Mouth

Be careful what you say and how you say it, it might bite you in the butt.

Many years ago my brother, Jason, Brad and myself were playing the video game Bond 007 for the Nintendo 64. If you’re not familiar with the game, you run around shooting each other, dressed like James Bond or characters from the movie.

During the game, someone kept running around in circles, not really shooting anything but acting like a spaz. I find it funny when people do this because serious gamers get all pissed because they take the game so seriously and when others don’t, they get mad.

Such was the case with Brad. He yells out, “who’s running around like a monkey?”

Bad choice of words on two levels; first, it was Jason who was running around and second, Jason is African American.

Not only is Jason African American but he one of those guys who gets very easily offended by any racism, even if it was by accident. It wasn’t that Brad was being racist, he was saying it because he meant it in a completely different way.

You could cut the tension in the room with a chainsaw. I looked at Jason, who was fighting mad. Brad looked like he just accidentally killed someone’s cat.

Then the real fun began. Brad tried to get himself out of what he said.

“Not that black people are monkeys. Or that monkeys look like black people. Or that black people and monkeys are in any way related…”

Talk about digging yourself into a hole. I had to step in and make sure that Jason understood that Brad didn’t mean what he said. Eventually, Jason was cool and understood it was just a mistake. We actually laughed about it afterwards.

But it just proves the old axiom, ‘Think before you speak…”

Homeless Comedy Relief

You gotta love LA, its one of the only places where you can’t walk down the street without running into 15 homeless people. As you might have read before, I don’t exactly like homeless folks. They smell, they panhandle you to death, get mad if you don’t give them money, they talk to themselves etc. But sometimes, they provide much needed comic relief.

On Sunday afternoon, my buddy Steve was walking over to the bar to watch football with me. On the way, he ran into a really cute kid being pushed in a stroller by her dad.

In front of them, a homeless man stepped out from between two parked cares. He then pulled down his pants, exposing his bare ass to them.

Steve tried hard to hold in his laughter, but couldn’t. He had no idea that it was about to get more comical.

The homeless guy squatted down.

“Oh no,” Steve thought. “He’s not going to… yep he is!”

The homeless guy pooed right on the concrete sidewalk where Steve, the father and his daughter were walking.

Steve ran past the pooing guy. He tried not to get hit by the butt spray.

The poor father tried to do the same. Bad Idea. The concrete was uneven because tree roots had broken the sidewalk up. The stroller wheels hit a crack and the force of the father’s pushing forced his daughter to teeter precariously on the edge of falling into a poop stream!

She fell out of the stroller… directly towards the shit missle…

The father grabbed his daughter right before her head hit the chocolate soft serve that was coming out of the homeless butt. CLOSE CALL!

Homeless people. Pooping on sidewalks for comedy relief for thousands of years.

(Props to Steve for the asssome story. Get it? Asssome? It's like awesome but... nevermind.)

Pain

My back is fucking killing me. Man, it hurts constantly. I can’t stop the pain, no matter how many painkillers and muscle relaxers I take, or bourbon that I drink.

I was in a car accident last Friday and that is the cause of my terrible pain. I was on the freeway when every car came to a complete stop in front of me. I stopped the car and look in my rear view, there is another car barreling down on me, with no hopes of stopping in time.

CRACK! The impact sound was startling, I thought we were all going to be seriously hurt. Turns out God was on our side and there were no major injuries and my car is barely screwed up. Thanks Toyota for making such a strong car.

The only problem is that in the process of the accident, I fucked my back up bad. Mind you, the pain is terrible, but I’ve felt worse, on several occasions.

When I was 15 I broke my wrist. I was playing basketball with some guys that I hung out with. I decided that we should take running starts from the other side of the court, jump onto a table and then dunk a basketball. Sounded like a great idea at the time. When I dunked, my legs had so much forward momentum that they swung from underneath me. I dropped basically from ten feet up directly onto my wrist.

OUCH. And I mean O U C H.

I went home and my step dad told me my wrist is just sprained and to not worry about it. How was I supposed to not worry about the bone sticking up the wrong way or the fact that I couldn’t see straight because I was in such pain? I wanted to go to the hospital. My step dad wouldn’t have any part of it. Unfortunately, the voice of reason, my mom, was out of town on business but she would be back early in the morning.

That night I tossed and turned in bed, the pain of my broken wrist taking over my entire body. When my mom came home the next morning, I was awake on the couch, holding ice to my broken bone. My mom saw the damage and immediately took me to the doctor, where I found out that my suspicions were right all along, my wrist was broken.

That pain was pretty bad, so was getting a beer bottle broken over my face.

In college, I had a friend named Kelly. One night when I came home to the dorms, she was hanging out with some meat head guys. She left those guys to come and hang out with me and my friend Aaron. These guys thought I must be cock blocking them, when that couldn’t have been further from the truth. They walked behind Kelly, Aaron and I, saying little remarks under their breath. I was starting to get pissed but I was going to let it slide until we got to my dorm door. The guys ducked into an elevator and yelled out a bunch of insults to me and my friend Aaron.

Now, a smart level-headed person would have just walked away. At the time, I wasn’t one of those people.

I opened my front door and grabbed a baseball bat. I needed an advantage.
There were three of them, and one of me, possibly two is Aaron followed me.

I ran down the stairs like the Flash and got to the bottom floor just as these meatheads were walking away. I told them to say that shit to my face. BIG MISTAKE.

As I said this, Aaron came running down the stairs, his two packs of cigs a day habit made it hard for him to keep up. I turn back around to engage the bullies when I was hit with the hardest punch of my life. It immediately blinded me, sending blood into my eyes.

I struggled as one guy grabbed me and tried to take the bat out of my hands. Blind, I tried to swing, but I couldn’t hit him.

He finally preyed the bat away from me. As I laid on the ground, I could picture him with some sort of sixth sense, pulling the bat up to swing down on me. But he hesitated and ran away. Thank God he did, I could have died with a couple of bat hits to the head.

By the time it was over, I still couldn’t see anything.

The cops showed up and asked us what had happened. We told them everything. Aaron said that I had gotten hit in the head with a full beer bottle. I was like, “I did?”

Apparently the phantom hardest punch of my life was actually a beer bottle being thrown from five feet away, directly to my head. As I turned back around, I caught the bottle right between the eyes. I was very lucky, if I turned a micro second later or early, I would be missing an eye or worse, could have died.

The next couple of weeks, my face was so bad that I couldn’t even leave bed. The pain and swelling were too much to bare.

On second thought, maybe this back pain isn’t so bad after all…

Top Ten Party Ideas

Are you sick of parties with no theme? No, you’re not? Well you suck then.

I want to go to parties where every small detail has been planned out. I want to bask in the white hot glow of nerdy people going way too far with an idea. I want to be forced into silly games that I don’t want to play but are necessary for the integrity of the theme. I want to be mocked if I don’t wear a costume to a party.

Without further ado, here are my Top Ten Theme Party Ideas-

10- Bacon Party- This one is simple. Gets tons, and I mean tons, of bacon. Cook it up. Get that great bacon smell out there. Create bacon sandwiches, bacon smoothies, bacon martinis. Now, here’s the tough part. You need to create as many bacon looking things as possible. Take pink and red t-shirts and bleach white stripes on them. Dress you entire apartment with bacon related items. Hang fake bacon streamers. Voila! A bacon party! Everyone loves bacon, unless you’re a vag… I mean vegatarian. And even then, they like to smell bacon. Don’t they?

9- Under the Sea- The classic theme, as illustrated by the dance in Back to the Future. Get a bunch of tacky sea related items; shells, fish, mermaids etc. Throw them through out your place. Buy a couple of fish tanks. Put out sushi. Get a large punch bowl and fill it with blue carcoa, vodka, rum, tequila, 151, bourban and the blue toilet bowl flushy things. Yummmmm, sea punch!

8-Naked party- Tell all your friends to show up naked. If them come with clothes, strip them off. Take all of the items out of your main party space, make it naked too. Give everyone punch (see above sea punch recipe) mixed with ecstasy. Pump in some raver music and BOOM, naked party is taking off! Just make sure to invite fit people. No one likes to see fat naked people dance, unless they’re really high. Then it’s just funny.

7-Cell Phone Exchange Party- When someone walks in the door, they check in their cell phone and are given someone else’s phone. You have free reign on their cell phone, call whoever you want from their phone book. But by the end of the night, you have to get your cell phone back by talking to people and figuring who has your phone. Also, you could call yourself and listen for your ring tone. On second thought, this might be a dumb party idea.

6-Country Club Party- Everyone dresses up in their finest golfing clothes and brings their favorite clubs. Throw Caddyshack and PGA highlights on every TV. Make everyone call each other Muffy or Blaine. Talk about the stock market and how this country club is going to Hell with the inclusion of so many women members and those pesky negros. Drink of choice for the party…what do stuffy rich white people drink? Cosmos? Gin and Tonics? I’ll have to wikipedia this.

5-Lame Celebrity Party- Tell everyone to dress like their favorite lame celebrity who acts retarded. Britney, Paris, Dog the Bounty Hunter, whoever you want. Act like your house is a swank club. Make people wait out front of your place in a long line. Have your largest friend act like a bouncer, and tell everyone they have to be on the list or have 15 girls with them to get in. Once inside, play shitty music and make everyone pay $20 for a watered down drink. This sounds like a fun party right? Now, you don’t have to go to the club to have a club experience!

4- Wayne Newton Party- This idea came from Vicki Garretson. Everyone dresses like Wayne Newton or a 50 year old lady who wants to bang Wayne Newton. We play Wayne Newton music all night long, you can dance like Wayne did on ‘Dancing with the Stars’. Everyone drinks White Wine. The various Waynes will be given keys to bedrooms in the house, which they can invite the 50 year old ladies up to their swinging bachelor pad. This is such a good idea, I think I might have this party next weekend.

3-Christian Bible Study Camp Party- Everyone has to dress like a teenage Christian Bible Study Camper. There will be bible scripture readings, prayer, and bible camp sing-a-longs. You can sneak into the camper’s bunk bed rooms, where the real fun begins… drugs, premarital sex, and sneaking booze into your juice boxes. The camper who can recite the most scripture while appearing the most intoxicated wins! What do you win? Ahhhh, a bronze statue of God? Does that sound cool? It does to me. Praise Jesus.

2-Stolen Booze Party- BYOB for this party… with a catch. Every person who comes to the party has to steal the liquor from somewhere; be it a store, your next-door neighbor, another party, the police station etc. Any party goers who has video footage of the theft with be praised and their video will be shown on the giant TV screen. The most fun part of this party is when the cops show up with angry people who had their booze ripped from their hands, and the arrests that follow. Make sure to bring bail!

1-Predeath funeral party- You fake the death of the person who is throwing the party, maybe in the same way they faked Butters death on South Park by throwing a pig off of a building and saying it was the host commiting suicide. You tell everyone to show up in black and that there will be a wake. You put a coffin in the house, fill up the home with flower arrangements. During the wake, everyone will get up and speak about the host. At the perfect time, the host jumps out of the casket and says SURPRISE! Now everyone gets to party with the dead guy! You can even drink embalming fluid for a fun effect. Genius, especially if you get to watch all your friends cry and tell sad stories about you passing on. Man, I can’t wait to have this party!

So there you go. Don’t invite me to your ‘lame keg beer with no theme’ party. Spice things up and show me a good time!

The Death of the Entertainment Industry

Five years ago, I decided to give up my well paying career as an apartment manager to pursue my dream; making movies, writing and working on music. More and more I realize, I dedicated my life to the pursuit of a slowly growing funeral march.

The entertainment industry is dying a slow death and I got in right as it went on life support.

With a ton of new media outlets out there, you would think that there would be a larger market for people to purchase music, movies, TV, and writing. I thought so…

As I type this, there is a growing cacophony of yelling and honking horns outside my little window from a mob of striking Writer’s Guild of America writers and their supporters. I’m glancing through Rolling Stone magazine, which tells me of more disappointing sales of music, so much so that Best Buy and other large market music vendors are cutting back store space to music, so much so that places like Target might not even have music in their stores in a couple years. Tower Records, my former employer from college, has already gone out of business and many other record stores are following suit.

But that’s not all…

Their appears to be no end in sight for the writers guild strike, both sides are that far apart.

TV will soon be dominated by more and more ‘reality’ shows, because that’s the only thing that can go on TV without writers. Goodbye new season of "Lost", hello “Who wants to fuck a millionaire.”

Both the Director’s Guild of America and the Screen Actors Guild contracts are coming up in July, leading to possibly to another massive set of strikes.

The internet has led attention spans to be peanut size, any more content than a couple of minutes equals yawns from the new generation of kids.

And finally the worst- Revenue from all media is down every year for the past couple of years.

All of this is happening as I’m getting closer to the end of my tenure here at the Warner Bros. I’m going to have to find another job soon. Where? How? With whom?

Then there is my whole 'career' as a writer/director. I have scripts that I want to start selling. That can’t happen until after the strike.

Plus, I have a short movie that I'm working on that at this rate is never going to get finished.

Now, I sit here wondering why I did this? I know I didn’t expect to make a fortune getting into this industry, at least I didn’t care if I did. But I want to be able to support myself. I have a huge student loan payment to make every month from my investment in my movie making education. I’d like to start a family at some point. I’d like to be able to go a month without asking my mom for money to support my life in Hollywood.

I guess I did it for the love of all things media. But just like a marriage that happened for the wrong reasons, I’m falling out of love for this entire industry and the fickle tastes of the American Public.

Now if I could just get my old job back managing apartments…

President George W. Bush against the Triple Burger- The Final Chapter.

The continuing saga of Chef Mike and George W. Bush at Fat Burger; high as a kite and sitting in front of multiple pounds of hamburger.

(George W. Bush stares at his Triple King Burger. He shakes his head and rubs his eyes.)

Mike- Just eat it yo. You said you could handle it bitch. Don’t puss out now.

George- Michael, I'm a patient man. And when I say I'm a patient man, I mean I'm a patient man. Maybe, you know, I need to take this one step at a time.

M- Fine, step one. Put the muthafuckin’ burger in your mouth. Step two, chew that shit up. Step three swallerrrrrrr that bitch up. I sure you know all about swallllllllllleeeeeeerrrrinnnnn’.

G- And one of the things we've got to make sure that we do is anything.

M- What the fuck does that mean? Damn yo, I think you done smoked yourself retarded.

(George picks up the burger and takes a huge bite.)

G- Hamburgers. The cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast. Ummm, this is a tasty burger. Mind if I have some of your tasty beverage to wash this down with?

M- You’ve got your own… very clever muthafucka.

(George has his mouth full.)

G-Whaaa?

M- Pulp Fiction… never mind.

(George devours half of the burger in two bites.)

M- Whoa, slow your roll G. You’re going to get sick putting that much beef in your system that fast.

G- When I take action, I'm not going to fire a $2 million missile at a $10 empty tent and hit a camel in the butt. It's going to be decisive.

M- That’s fine, but don’t get yourself sick. You’ve still gotta go to that fire shit down in San Diego…

G- Oh damn. Oh no. Michael, don’t make me go down there. You know, the thing about fire is… it’s bad. And I’m… too high. I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe — I believe what I believe is right. Man, I’m high.

M- Don’t bug out bitch. Just finish your burger, nice and slow. Damn, I knew I shouldn’t let you smoke that much shit. Now, I’m responsible.

G- No one is responsible Michael. Its God’s will for the events of this afternoon to happen. I’m going to be fine. I feel better already.

M- Good, the tide’s finally turning.

G- I think -- tide turning -- see, as I remember -- I was raised in the desert, but tides kind of -- it's easy to see a tide turn -- did I say those words?

M- Fuck, we’re screwed.

(Suddenly, two Secret Service agents run into the FatBurger.)

Secret Service- We have to go mister President. We’re scheduled to be in San Diego in one hour.

G- You know, I don’t know. Do we really have to go down there?

SS- Yes sir. Its important, like Katrina. But with fire this time.

G- Michael, as my Secretary of Fire Stuff, what do you advise me to do?

M- I’m not your… fine. I advise that you go down there and speak to the people. Declare a state of emergency and tell everybody the whole thing’s sad. That should work.

G- Michael, you are a dear trusted friend. I will always remember this moment.

M- What moment? The fatburger you didn’t finish or the blunt we smoked?

G- What? What are we talking about?

M- You gotta run G.

G- That’s right. Goodbye Michael.

(George and the Secret Service run out. Mike eats his food…)

M- Shit G! How am I supposed to get home?

(Mike sighs and goes back to eating.)

THE END… or is it!?!?!?!?!?!

Chef Mike and President go to FatBurger Part Two

The continuing story of Chef Mike and George Walker Bush high as a kite at FatBurger.

(Mike and George sit in front of the jukebox, waiting for their FatBurger to arrive. )

Mike- Man, they play the dumbest shit in this place. Why I gotta listen to Madonna? Huh? Why? It’s fucking up my appetite, this bullshit-ass gay-ass music bullshit.

George- I feel like Madonna is singing to me. Her voice is inside my head and I can’t get it out. I shake my head and BOOM, she’s still there. She’s wearing that pointy bra from the 90’s, the one from the Vogue video. Wait, she just had a costume change, now she’s wearing the wedding dress from the VMA’s.

M- What the fuck does Like a Virgin mean anyway? I know that they talk about that shit in Reservoir Dogs, but that shit that Quentin Tarrantino said in the movie made less sense than this muthafuckin’ song. I’ll show Madonna’s ass some tight virgin shit.

G- I’m so high. Michael, what am I going to do? I’ve gotta sober up.

M- I told your ass to not chief the shit out of that blunt. I know you’re the Commander in Chief, but that doesn’t mean you have to Chief the blunt dawg.

G- I have a lot of stuff to do today. I’ve gotta sober up. I’ve gotta sober up. I’ve gotta sober up.

M- You’re repeating yourself. You’re annoying the shit outta me.

G- See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda.

M- Propaganda? What the fuck are you talking about?

G- Well, you know, the thing about propaganda is… What are we talking about?

M- Fuck it yo. The food’s on it way out.

(The Fat Burger Employee brings out the food, a t-shirt and a camera.)

Fat Burger Employee- Number 69?

G- 69 hehehehehe.

M- Yeah, that’s us. Damn, that’s a big ass burger G.

(The FBE places the triple king burger in front of the President. He holds up the Polaroid camera.)

FBE- Smile mister President.

G- I'm thrilled to be here in the bread basket of America because it gives me a chance to remind our fellow citizens that we have an advantage here in America — we can feed ourselves.

(Mike and George smile and the FBE takes their picture. The FBE shakes his head and walks away.)

G- (whispers to Mike) Do I look high?

M- Of course you look high muthafucka, you’re high! You’re going to look high if you’re high. That’s how it works.

G- This burger is too big. I can’t eat all of that. You know, I intend to do my best. But sometimes, things happen and you know what that means when things happen, you’re best might not be... what was I talking about?

M- The burger dawg. I told your sassy Texas ass that can’t eat that shit, but you didn’t listen to me.

G- You told me that?

M- Yeah, like two times.

G- I think you’re wrong. I always listen to the members of my cabinet and make decisions based on evidence and... I thought I got Fat fries?

M- You ordered skinnys. And I’m not part of your cabinet man.

G- There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again.

(Mike eats his burger.)

M- (with his mouth full) Whaaa yoo tallliin’ bout?

G- How am I going to finish this thing? Man, I'm too high.

(To be continued in the final chapter, George versus the big ass burger!)

My friend Chef Mike and President George W. Bush go to Fatburger.

The other day, my buddy Chef Mike smoked a bunch of pot with George W. Bush. Maybe you’ve heard of him? He’s the president of the United States. What does Mike do after he smokes? He goes to Fat Burger of course.

(Mike and George walk into Fat Burger. An enormous line turns around and looks at the President, Mike and the several Secret Service agents that follow.)

Mike- Fuck. Muthafuckin’ long ass line yo. Every time I’m here, there’s a muthafuckin’ long ass line.

George- Michael, Michael, Michael you forget who I am. (clears throat and annunciates) Fellow Americans. I’m pleased to be here at this fine eating establishment. I encourage you to get out there and help the US economy by spending money. As our your honored guest, I appreciate your hospitality of letting me and my colored friend here enjoy the tasty burger goodness.

(George and Mike walk to the front of the line. The costumers curse under their breath. The Secret Service grab the costumers and pull them outside.)

M- Nice job G. I got get me some of those black suit muthafuckas. Whatcho getting’ bitch?

G- I got a lot of Ph.D.-types and smart people around me who come into the Oval Office and say, 'Mr. President, here's what's on my mind.' And I listen carefully to their advice. But having gathered the advice, I decide, you know, I say, 'This is what we're going to do.'

M- What muthafuckin’ burger you getting dawg?

G- My job is a decision-making job, and as a result, I make a lot of decisions. I’m going to get the triple king burger.

M- What? No way muthafucka. That’s the shit that gets yo’ picture on the wall and you get that T-shirt. Your sweet Texas ass can’t hold that much shit, it’ll explode and shit.

G- You misunderestimate me.

(The Fat Burger employee clears his throat.)

Fat Burger Employee- Welcome to Fat Burger. How can I help you?

G- Hello my Latin friend. Has anyone told you that you look like Alberto Gonzales? He he he.

FBE- Ah no.

G- Well Alberto, you know. When I’m hungry, I’m hungry. And right now, I’m hungry. I’d like your finest triple king burger sir, with skinny fries and a large coke.

M- Are you sure about that man? Last chance to change your mind bitch.

G- We’re going to stay the course Michael. Whoa, I just realized. I’m really high.

M- Of course you are bitch. We smoked a big ass blunt of that chronic shit. That’s why I’m saying yo, don’t do this triple burger shit man.

G- Too late. Process my order Pedro.

FBE- What about you sir, what can I get you?

M- Oh yeah, hey G, I need to borrow some cash. Dayn’s got all my money.

G- You never have money Michael.

M- I got money, I just give it to Dayn. That way, I don’t spend money. He’s like my bank.

G- It’s okay, this one is on the government.

M- That’s what I like to hear. I’ll take a king burger with bacon, egg and cheese. I’ll take fat fries and a lemonade.

FBE- That will be $26.53.

G- Good Lord that’s a lot of money for some burgers.

M- It’s worth it yo.

(George pays for the burgers)

FBE- Here’s your change and your number sir. We’ll bring your food out to you. Have a great day.

G- Thank you my fellow American. You know, this burger is important to the American people. This business is important to America.

(George and Mike take the number and sit down next to the jukebox.)

G- I’m so high Michael. I think I might have smoked too much.

M- Hell no, once you eat that huge burger, you’re going to need to smoke again to get a 15 pound shit out yo’ ass.

G- I hope this food gets here soon…

(To be continued in episode two… the jukebox and the triple burger arrives!)

My first crush

You might have read my column on my three first kisses. As much as I liked those girls at the time, none of them compared to my first crush Andrea.

Andrea was the star of the third grade. Everyone liked her. She was student president for the third grade. She was stunningly attractive. She was a straight A student. She was also a Christian Scientist.

Christian Scientists as you know are people who don’t believe in medication to heal wounds and sickness. They trust in prayer and the Lord to fix people. Good luck with that. Her mom died of cancer, with no medication, chemo, or morphine to help her. I’m sure that sucked ass.

But that’s beside the point, Andrea was perfect. And I loved her. I would chase her on the playground, push her around, do anything to know that I liked her (that’s how little boys show affection, through violence.)

One fateful afternoon as school was letting out, I heard that she was going to have a meeting for student government, so she would have to stay after school late. I was supposed to go to my babysitters (the one who only played Solitaire all day long instead of watching the kids) but I instead waited for her to get out of this meeting.

I waited out front, my hands sweating. Man, what's taking this meeting so long. What kind of input could a third grader give to help the school. My babysitter was going to be so pissed that I wasn't back yet...

Finally Andrea got out of her meeting and I stopped her before she walked home. I told her that I was meant to be with her. She looked at me like I was crazy. She walked away. I screamed at the top of my lungs, “Andrea! I love you!” over and over again. She didn’t turn around or even miss a step, she just kept walking.

I walked to the babysitter, broken hearted and completely pissed off that I missed Bob Ross on PBS to tell this girl my feelings. That’s when I saw my mom driving down the road… 'funny, she’s supposed to be a work.'

Apparently I had been gone for so long the babysitter thought I might have been kidnapped. She called my mom and told her. My mom left work early to try to find her lost son.

Man, I got it for that. My butt was spanked so hard I had to lay down face first in the back seat because my butt was going to fall off.

The whole ride home though, I didn’t think about my hurt butt, I thought about my broken heart.

I sometimes wonder what Andrea is doing now. She’s probably wildly successful, has a wonderful family and life. Thank God that she can’t take any medicine, that’s fair enough justice for what she did to my heart.