My first crush

You might have read my column on my three first kisses. As much as I liked those girls at the time, none of them compared to my first crush Andrea.

Andrea was the star of the third grade. Everyone liked her. She was student president for the third grade. She was stunningly attractive. She was a straight A student. She was also a Christian Scientist.

Christian Scientists as you know are people who don’t believe in medication to heal wounds and sickness. They trust in prayer and the Lord to fix people. Good luck with that. Her mom died of cancer, with no medication, chemo, or morphine to help her. I’m sure that sucked ass.

But that’s beside the point, Andrea was perfect. And I loved her. I would chase her on the playground, push her around, do anything to know that I liked her (that’s how little boys show affection, through violence.)

One fateful afternoon as school was letting out, I heard that she was going to have a meeting for student government, so she would have to stay after school late. I was supposed to go to my babysitters (the one who only played Solitaire all day long instead of watching the kids) but I instead waited for her to get out of this meeting.

I waited out front, my hands sweating. Man, what's taking this meeting so long. What kind of input could a third grader give to help the school. My babysitter was going to be so pissed that I wasn't back yet...

Finally Andrea got out of her meeting and I stopped her before she walked home. I told her that I was meant to be with her. She looked at me like I was crazy. She walked away. I screamed at the top of my lungs, “Andrea! I love you!” over and over again. She didn’t turn around or even miss a step, she just kept walking.

I walked to the babysitter, broken hearted and completely pissed off that I missed Bob Ross on PBS to tell this girl my feelings. That’s when I saw my mom driving down the road… 'funny, she’s supposed to be a work.'

Apparently I had been gone for so long the babysitter thought I might have been kidnapped. She called my mom and told her. My mom left work early to try to find her lost son.

Man, I got it for that. My butt was spanked so hard I had to lay down face first in the back seat because my butt was going to fall off.

The whole ride home though, I didn’t think about my hurt butt, I thought about my broken heart.

I sometimes wonder what Andrea is doing now. She’s probably wildly successful, has a wonderful family and life. Thank God that she can’t take any medicine, that’s fair enough justice for what she did to my heart.