Do you want to make more money? Sure we all do....

I'm dead fucking broke.

Not that I don't have money in my account, I do (thanks to a generous 'donation' from my mom). All of that is tied up in paying bills or trying to get my ever-expanding credit card debt from shooting my movie down to national debt levels.

I've been trying to come with new and interesting ways to make money that don't require me quitting my day job.

I need a night job!

Options-

Bartending. Fun work. You get to meet new people. But it requires me to be on my feet and actually do work, sometimes lifting kegs and cases of beer. Plus long late nights when I should be at home sleeping. Fuck that retarded shit.

Cat burglary. Now that's an exciting part time job. You get to break and enter, look really cool in the all black outfit, like some sort of French poet or something. Plus, there is a never-ending amount of valuables to 'find' in people's houses. But the downsides are getting caught and going to jail and I'm still not sure what to do after I steal this shit. Sell it out of the back of my car? Too much work, I don't want to sell shit. Same thing for pawnshops, they can trace that shit back to you. So I guess that's out.

Drug dealer. Again, exciting job. You also get to meet interesting clientele to make fun of. You never have to leave the couch but to get the door or the drugs to sell. Seems easy enough. But again, I have to sell things, which sucks. Plus, crack heads coming to your house doesn't sound that appealing. Oh, and it's illegal. I forgot about that. And you can't get high on your own supply so I guess I would be bad at it.

Stripper. Exciting. Meet lots of drunk women. Good hours and pay. Downsides, I have to work out a ton. Stripping for women is more of a funny thing for them, not a sexy thing. "Look at that guy shaking his dick around. I'm going to pull on it and see if it hurts." Plus, I have to be naked- a lot. Which is fine at home, but in front of 25 drunk bitches... what if I get 'stage fright'. And my girlfriend would be so pissed if I were stripping. Really pissed. Super pissed. More pissed than when I stormed off because the Lions game wasn't being shown on TV. But that pay is soooooo good. Hmmmmm.... I might have to consider that one.

Blood Donor. Not nearly exciting, unless they take too much blood. Great hours, shitty pay. Doesn't require much effort, if you even consider sitting in a chair effort. But I hate needles. And getting the blood drained out of me just makes me want to eat, which would take my paltry wages and spend them on tacos. That’s not exactly the financial influx that I am looking for.

Cat Groomer. How much do cat groomers make? I guess I don't really know... what does that exactly entail? Don't cats hate getting wet? Is there a way to dry clean a cat? Do I need special equipment for this process? That costs money. Fuck, I don't even like cats. Bad idea.

Erotic Masseuse. Great money. Short hours. But I don't know if I'm ready for the 'happy ending' part. Where would I set up shop, West Hollywood? Dayn's house? Plus my hands cramp easily. I can barely jerk myself off. And then there is the whole totally gay thing. I guess that's out.

Well, I haven't come up with shit. The closest thing I have to an option is cat burglary. Although stripping might work. Do you all have any suggestions?