Wal-Mart and God gave me Super AIDS

God gave me super AIDS. Damn it. I knew Karma would come back to get me.

Last weekend I was in Phoenix with my girlfriend to see my family. My mom loves to take me on her various errands whenever I'm in town, which means one terrible awful thing- I have to go to Wal-Mart with her.

It would be bad enough if it was just Wal-Mart but it's the world's dirtiest, trashiest Wal-Mart. You probably asking yourself, "Self, aren't all Wal-Marts dirty and trashy?"

Yes they are self. There is one difference; this one is the MOST dirty and trashy in the world. They have a faux gold plaque on the wall that declares it. If you're ever in Phoenix, you can go there and look yourself. It’s in between the in-store ghetto nail salon and that place where you can get fuzzy blankets with your likeness airbrushed on it.

Why is it so dirty and trashy? Well, the store itself isn't that clean for one. I saw a kid take a shit in the toothpaste aisle and three workers walked past it saying, "That ain't my job to clean that up."

The store resides in the old ghetto mall; you know the old ghetto mall? All bigger cities have one of these malls. Its a mall that once was happening and people shopped there but then it become outdated and the neighborhood went to shit so all the good stores left. They had to do something with the mall so they put in stores like Wal-Mart and Costco to fill the void. Its like what I imagine the malls in hell look like.

Because of this, the Wal-Mart building itself used to be a JC Penny's and the mall movie theatre. The structure isn't exactly sound. After spending five minutes in there, you thank God that Phoenix doesn't have Earthquakes.

There is something more than the general appearance and structural integrity of the store that makes it terrible, it's the clientele. I haven't seen more crazy people in one place since my family reunion.

Bikers. Bitches. Gangstas with 8 kids. Extremely fat children crying because they can't get more candy. People missing limps. Street workers with no teeth. White trash couples with matching NASCAR shirts on.

Man, its fun to walk around and make fun of these people. Which I did. A lot. But then again…

Walking the harrowing halls of Wal-Mart makes you just feel like you need a shower. You look at the 45-year-old stripper who's picking up her generic herpes medicine and you feel like, maybe just maybe, you're going to get sick. You see the trucker sneeze on a bunch of grapes in the Super Wal-Mart grocery section and think, man it’s going to happen, and I’m going to catch something.

I declared to my Mom and girl that I was going to catch airborne Super AIDS in here.

We all laughed about it. HA HAHAHAHA..... Boy I wish I hadn't said it.

You see, I learned something recently. God is a terrible, funny, super omnipotent being. He's a lot like me, except he controls the galaxy and I control my TV. We are both full of mischief and mayhem. We both like to fuck with people.

I imagine he looks down from his cloudy perch playing practical jokes on people.

This time, he nailed me. "I got your ass J. Ask and you shall receive.” God said.

My girlfriend and I went back to LA the next day and woke to discover God's little jokes.

I have an enormous painful sore under my tongue. My girlfriend developed a set of bumps that look like bug bites from the mosquitoes that bite dinosaurs and then were fossilized in amber in Jurassic Park.

A cold sore under your tongue must be the first sign of airborne Super AIDS. God was sick of me making fun of other people and joking around about such a serious topic like Super AIDS that he must have given it to me. Either that, or he was bored and wanted to fuck with me. I'm picking the latter.

Now, my tongue is screwed. It hurts. I can't eat right because it hurts. I can’t move my tongue past my teeth or it might catch my front teeth and sting. My mouth keeps producing too much saliva to try to fix the sore. Because of all the spit in my mouth, I can't talk without a gay lisp.

Let me tell you it sucks. I've had it for five days now and finally gave up and got some medicine. But the problem is that it numbs my tongue, making my lisp even stranger. Now I sound retarded and gay.

Thanks God. I get the point. Don't make fun of serious things. I'll try but I can't make any promises.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go count my T cells.