Letter to a Trainwreck

Dear Britney-

I feel your pain dawg. I really do.

I understand what you must be going through. I would call it a rough spot but that's kind of an understatement. You're going through more of a cheese grater spot. But don't fear, things will get better.

I'm here to provide the advice that you need. Stick to this plan, and you will be well on your way to a better life. Lets break down the problem areas. Please understand that some of the things I am saying might be harsh, but the truth hurts.

Kids-

You lost the rights to the kids, for that I’m sorry. No one should lose their kids but… You haven’t been much of a mother. I could run down the list of terrible things that your kids have had to endure but I don’t think this blog can hold that many words in one posting.

Solution- Scrap those kids and buy some new ones. It works for Madonna and Angelina Jolie. These new kids will just be happy to be in the US, they won’t care that their mother is a drug abusing, sex crazed nudist who can’t sing. Which brings me to point two…

Singing career-

In the immortal words of Dr. Peter Venkman, "This chick is toast." Nothing you can do about the singing thing. You're time has passed. We, the people have moved onto other people who can't sing, like Rhinnananana or whatever her name is. You had a good run right? You're collecting royalty checks still right? Your only hope is that you can do a tour in ten years as a novelty act. You could do a double bill with Weird Al or something.

Dancing-

How about your dancing? Let me put this lightly, you're a terrible dancer. Always have been. You're maybe one of most over rated dancers of all time. So, screw any chance you had at a full time dancing career. Unless you're dancing with poles, and I don't mean the Polish.

Acting-

You might have a shot here. I don't think you could do anything serious. But if you got into a movie where you made fun of yourself, like K-Fed's American Express commercial, then you can make some coin.

What Britney wished she looked like again...
Body-

Let's call a spade a spade here. You're fatter then you have ever been. I saw a picture of you on superficial.com lately where you were wearing a half top. I threw up in my mouth a little bit. But this too could pass. I have a program that could work on this, its called 'Diet and Exercise'. Its this crazy thing where you eat well and do stuff besides eating. Like working out. Crazy huh?

This one you might want to focus on first. I heard that you have like to run around naked all the time. For the benefit of everyone who has to see that, please put on clothes until the 'Diet and Exercise' stage is complete. Then, its naked time all over my house in front of Dayn and Mike, if that’s what you’re into.

Sexual Addiction-

Reports are that you like to have sex. A lot. With boys and girls. Sometimes at the same time. Nothing wrong with that. Wait, let me rephrase that. There is nothing wrong with that if you take care of the ‘Diet and Exercise’ step.

Fashion-

Your fashion sense is a train wreck into a school bus of retarded kids. I’d give you advice but I don’t know where to begin. This might require an entire another letter, a power point presentation and President Clinton and Bush to come together like they did for Katrina victims before some positive change occurs.

Lack of Hair-

You shaved your head and since then, you wear wigs and extensions to try to hide the fact that everyone knows. Well, we aren’t buying it for one second.

Here is a good piece of advice. Be more like Natalie Portman. That would help.
When Natalie Portman shaved her head, she didn’t wear wigs all the time. She rocked the bald head out to the world. And people loved it.

Drug Addiction-

Everyone likes drugs. I understand. But still lady, you gotta pull it back a little bit. Maybe stick to only doing drugs after 5 PM. That way, you can get some of these other more important things done (ie ‘Diet and Exercise’).

Bad partner decisions-

You’ve been spinning out control on this one since Justin Timberlake dumped your ass. I can understand a little rebound, maybe make a mistake or two. But look at the douche bags you’ve been dating! They’re not exactly JT.

Here’s an idea, date someone who doesn’t do a ton of drugs. That might be a great start.

What? That’s hard to find in your circle of friends? Have you thought of using a dating service maybe? I heard that there are some super ones on the internet. I can help you with your ad, “25 year old woman looking for a man who doesn’t want to mooch off of me and doesn’t have a worse drug problem than I already have. Must like cameras and bad fashion sense.”

----See, that wasn’t too hard. Simple solutions for complex problems. Take my advice please. If you take my advice, yeah you might not have any singing career left, but you’ll be happy. Isn’t that what’s important?

From
-J