A buddy of mine caught his roommate masturbating to porn on the couch.
Yep, porn and masturbation. The scourge of the Earth. The vile material of Satan. The most fun you can have by yourself.
My friend was appalled. How could he do that? On our couch? With my lotion? He said that he wouldn't never let him live it down.
I smacked him. "What are you, straight edge? Tell me that you haven't become like every Christian asshat that hates porn and masturbation. People masturbate to porn... you do."
“No I don't. It’s a sin, you shouldn’t masturbate to porn because God doesn't want you to!”
He was kidding of course but it brought up a good topic. Why wouldn’t God want you to masturbate to porn?
First off, its good practice for the big dance. You don’t go running a marathon without training. How many times have you had sex with someone and said to yourself, “Damn, I wish I would have jerked off today… if I could just somehow hold off on busting my nu… oh damn it. There it goes…”
Second, masturbation keeps you out of trouble. If I didn’t masturbate think about all the times I would have cheated on my girlfriends? Thousands. Think about how many kids I would have? 45. Think about the diseases that I would get... never mind. don't think about that.
Third, its good exercise. You work the forearms, the pelvic area etc. I don’t know how many calories you burn but I’m guessing about 4,500 per session.
People think that only degenerates watch porn. But a little statistical analysis I found on a Christian website (yes I did actual research for this blog, on a Christian website no less, two firsts!) leads me to believe that the entire world is over run with masturbating degenerates…
Worldwide sex industry sales for 2006 are reported to be 97 billion. To put this in perspective, Microsoft, reported sales of 44.8 billion in 2006. Worldwide ‘regular’ movie ticket sales were 23 billion in 2006.
At 13.3 billion, the 2006 revenues of the sex and porn industry in the U.S. are bigger than the NFL, NBA and Major League Baseball combined.
Hmmmm…. Noticing a pattern here?
People like porn and they like to buy it.
I usually use the free porn on the Internet but recently I made a pilgrimage to a porn store. Man, I was very surprised… not just by the double-sided dildos and the anal plugs but also at the prices, selection and quality.
Prices- would you pay $60 dollars for a porno? I wouldn’t. But apparently, that’s the going rate for higher quality porn. News to me… why would you need a $60 dollar porno? Does it fuck you or something? Does it have something that the others don't have (besides better looking women...)? I'm still confused about this one.
Selection- everything you could think of. Literally. You want a porno of a midget black Asian gay dude fist fucking his adopted Jewish mailman hermaphadyte cousin and his double amputee wife… aisle 4 in the ‘specialty’ section.
Quality- they’re putting money into the production values on these puppies. They should for 60 bucks, shit. The covers of some these things look better than the DVD’s we put out here at the WB. Seriously. I looked at one cover and it could have been the cover for Troy, same costumes and everything but they had sex instead of chopping each other’s heads off. If only all wars ended this way.
I bought some bargain bin 5 dollar porns, which cut the price and quality out of the equation but afforded many wild selections. I’d go into details of this sale rack but I’m afraid that they would pull down this blog due to explicit content.
The next time you make fun of your roommate for catching him jerking off to porn on the couch, stop. Don’t be like all these pseudo Christian haters. Be a congratulator instead. ‘Congrats of jerking off to porn, you’re one in a billion. Now give me back my lotion before your spooge all over it.’
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