Top Ten Last Minute Costume Ideas

Happy Halloween everybody. I’m sure your thinking, “what the hell am I going to do? I have to go out tonight but I have no Halloween costume. I’m going to look like the only one who forgot about the holiday!” But don’t fret my pet, good ol’ Wrong is here to show you a top ten list of costumes you can put together from items in your own home.

10- Tin Foil Guy- First, grab that box of tin foil. Second, wrap your entire body with tin foil. Third, cut out holes for your eyes and mouth, be sure to not cut your eye ball out (although that might make a great costume also…) When some asks you if you’re supposed to be a robot, tell ‘em, “Hell no, I’m the Tin Foil guy!”

9- Crazy Pickle Mustache- I don’t know if you ever saw the old Saturday Night Live skit where Adam Sandler goes trick or treating with a bunch of costumes he made on the fly but he has one where he holds a pickle under his nose and says, “I’m crazy pickle mustache, gimme some candy…” You could go as that guy, just get a pickle. Easy and it’s a reference to the 90’s. Rad.

8- Sports player- Do you own a sports jersey? Put it on and say you are a sports player (which ever jersey you are wearing, you’re that guy). That’s what I did for work today, easy costume and comfortable. Bonus points if you have a Michael Vick jersey and a dead dog to drag with you.

7- Grunge Rocker- Take out that flannel shirt, those ripped jeans, put on some girl sunglasses, grow out your hair and don’t wash it, shoot up some smack and BOOM, you’re Kurt Cobain.

6- Hip Hop MC- Take out a baseball cap, tilt it to the side, put on your biggest baggiest clothes, grab your Air Force Ones, tuck your gun in your waist, smoke some pot, BOOM, you’re every wack ass MC out there.

5- 30’s Gangster- Put on your pin stripe suit, break out a big cigar, wear a fedora and everytime you speak, talk like James Cagney or Dave Chappell from his stand up comedy routine where he ends every sentence with “seeeee”. “You’ll never take me alive copper see. Let’s go dance the Charleston see.”

4- Cardboard box- This one is easy. Take a large cardboard box, cut holes for your head, arms and legs, climb into it. This one is a bitch to get in and out of the car and doorways, but you’ve got a costume now, stop your bitching.

3- Tighty whitey guy- Put on your ugliest underwear. That’s all. Now walk into the party proud to show your shit off.

2- Fat Guy- Put on your biggest clothes (see hip hop MC) and then stuff them with every single piece of clothing that will fit in there. Instant fat guy! Unless you are already fat, which makes you super fat guy, without super powers I suppose. Unless you count being able to break someone’s bones by sitting on them a super power.

1- Your roommate, friend, wife, partner or someone you know- Borrow all of the clothing items of someone you know. It help if that person has a distinct style that is easily identifiable. It helps also if you set this up with the person that you borrow them from so that they can dress up like you. When someone asks you who you are supposed to be, you point to the other person.

Hopefully this helps you get out to your party in style. Happy Halloween nerds.

Suns Preview

I got punched in the stomach last summer. A couple times. It hurt harder than any other punches I’d taken before, like the Hulk and Superman both nailed me in the gut at the same time.

No, I wasn’t in a fight, not in the literal way. I was punched in the stomach by the NBA.

My Phoenix Suns were cheated…no no cheated isn’t a strong enough word. They were fucked out of the chance at a title by a series of unfortunate events, and Limney Snickets wasn’t involved.

If you don’t know what I am referring to, hate the NBA or don’t give a crap, here’s a recap- the Suns played the eventual NBA champion San Antonio Spurs in the second round of the NBA playoffs and lost 4 games to 2 in a best of 7 series. Again, lose is probably the wrong word, they were fucked 4 games to 2 by bad ref-ing, dirty play and down right cheating.

In the first game Bruce Bowen cheap-shot-kicked Amare Stoudemire in the Achilles, which pissed me off so much I threw a remote at my TV. Steve Nash, the best point guard to grace the game since Magic Johnson, was head butted by Tony Parker and was forced out of the end of that game, causing the Suns to lose the home opener.

In the second game, Bowen kneed Nash in the nuts. This is nothing new for Bowen, just a fucking lifeless, gutless play by the worst excuse for a football player wearing a basketball player’s uniform.

In game four, Robert Horry threw Nash into the scorer’s table by the Suns bench for no fucking reason besides to piss off the Suns and try to get some to come off the bench. Well, of course Amare and Boris Diaw jumped up and tried to protect their leader.

The result, Amare and Diaw were suspended for game five, in which the Suns put in a nice performance but still lost. Thanks NBA for the dumbest rule of all time! If Amare and Boris were suspended for a game for standing up, then Horry should be thrown out of the league for being a pussy basket.

After the Suns lost the series in game 6, I was permanently sick to my stomach. It only got worse when the NBA was hit with the Tim Donaghy gambling scandal. The same Tim Donaghy who ref-ed game three, where the Suns were given bad call after bad call and eventually lost by 7 points, the Spurs covered the four point spread. Coincidence?

I could go into the hundred of terrible calls from this game and the entire series and how the Suns were screwed but that would make this article 55 pages long.

Needless to say, I was pissed off all summer about this. Imagine how the Suns felt…

That’s why I am picking the Suns to win the championship this year. They might not have the biggest, baddest team but damn it, they are pissed off.

On paper, the Suns don’t look like they are a much better team than last year. They added Grant Hill and subtracted their only competent low post defender Kurt Thomas. Not the grandest trade off, Hill should help the team when Steve Nash has to hit the bench for a breather, he is a former superstar who knows how to play with his teammates well. No Kurt Thomas facing off against the Spurs and Tim Duncan in the post should make things even harder this year. Well, harder if they didn’t have a really super pissed off team.

The rest of the team is pretty much the same except for two rookies who probably won’t see the light of day from the end of the bench. But there are some hold-over players that are expected to make more on an impact than last year.

First, Boris Diaw, one year removed from the most improved player of the year award, should make some strides to becoming the player he once was (or better). With Amare coming back into the lineup last year after being hurt the season before, Diaw retreated and played hesitant and didn’t try very hard. All reports from training camp is that Diaw is in great shape (which he wasn’t last year after spending training camp eating nothing but French pastries) and playing aggressively, which has always been his weakest suit. If he tries harder, he can be the difference on the floor for the Suns. If not, he fades into the background.

Second, Marcus Banks has a look in his eyes this training camp. He’s starting to get it. After signing a big free agent contract, he sat on pine all year due to his shoot first attitude and not running the offense. But Steve Nash has taken him under his wing, as well as coaches, to try to get him more involved in the team plan and work on getting him minutes. In the preseason he looked golden, getting 22 minutes of playing time per game and a nice 9 ppg. He needs to get his assists up and keep up his tough defense and he’ll help out a ton.

The rest of the team is still amazing. Amare is a beast after his first All NBA selection coming off of microfracture surgery. He might be the best young big man since… I don’t know… Karl Malone? Moses Malone? Shawn Marion seems to be with it after asking for a trade this summer, he hasn’t made a peep since the Suns sat him down for a stern talking to. Nash is still Nash, he might just sneak out his third MVP trophy this season. Leandro Barbosa is a spark plug who provides speed and instant offense to this team. Raja Bell gives gritty heart, tough defense (should be on the NBA All Defensive team at the end of the year) and a good three point shot.

If the Suns play the Spurs in the playoffs, I expect the Suns to try a very cheap shot against Tim Duncan early on to show them that they mean business and won’t back down. I would send our biggest scrub Sean Marks to punch him in the face and then hit him with an ax in the leg, before the game starts. Just to let the Spurs know; you guys play dirty, we can play dirty too.

Hopefully the Suns will play through the adversity, say the hell with the Spurs, tell the NBA and commish David Stern to suck it and grind out a championship.

If they don’t, they will get punched by the Spurs yet again. I don’t want to get punched in the stomach again, please Suns. Give ‘em hell!

My First Movie Memories

My first memories of childhood are pretty much based around movies. No wonder I ended up here in Hollywood working on… movies.

One of my very first memories was going with my then pregnant mother to see E.T. We walked into the theatre late, the previews were already starting.

At the little one-theatre movie house, they played previews for all movies, regardless of whether you were taking your kid to see ET. Fucking stupid if you ask me. Anyway, they were showing a preview for the movie HOUSE, which if you don’t remember it, was about a haunted house. The poster was this skeleton hand holding a key, it still gives me the creeps.

Anyway, as we walked in, the preview of this haunted house was on the screen. I yelled and screamed at the top of my lungs, I wasn’t going in there. Everyone turned around and stared down my mom with evil eyes. In the little town theatre I was at, everyone knew everyone else, so my mom was immediately an identifiable villain. But she wasn’t about to walk out. She dragged me in and wouldn’t let me go, even if I was crying and making a scene.

After the movie started, I remember holding my Mom’s hand. She looked at me and smiled. What came on the screen was movie magic at its finest. I was so happy at the end of the movie. I still thank my mom for dragging me inside the theatre that day.

My first memory of my father (and one of only a few memories of my father when I was young) was when he brought my brother and me to see “Return of the Jedi” the night it came out. My father was a huge Star Wars nerd, so he put so much hype into this movie before we got there. I was excited as we drove to the theatre, I wondered what I was about to see that my father was dying to watch. Who was this Han Solo and why was he maybe, kind of, dead?

We went to this huge theatre in Detroit and got there late (apparently my parents don’t like to go to movies early), we were the last people to sit down. The only problem, there were no seats to sit down. We stood at the top of theatre, my dad propping my brother and me up on a ledge, with the perfect view of the theatre. I felt like I was special, having the greatest seat in the house, sitting where I wasn’t supposed to, next to my Dad. As the 20th Century Fox orchestra came on, it sent chills down my spine. I loved the movie, the Ewoks were the cutest things on the planet... I was a little kid, give me a break!

The other thing I remember most about this night, my one year old baby brother dropped a DOT candy in the lil’ kids urinal, picked it up and ate it. Man, that was gross.

Those two memories hold such a high place in my life, they will always remind me of why I do what I do, and why I love films.

The Kite Runner- Or How i learned to stop crying and hate the Oprah

Oprah needs to stop recommending books. For real. Quit. You can hold the freaking world in your hands, make every single chick in the world do what you say, but STOP TELLING PEOPLE WHAT GOOD BOOKS ARE!

She recommended the Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini, and suddenly, you were an ass clown if you hadn’t read it. ‘What are you, dumb? You haven’t read the Kite Runner?!?!?! It’s the greatest book of all time, Oprah said so!”

“Read this book. It’ll change your life.” Yeah, change your life by making you want to cut your wrists.

I’ve tried to read this hunk of dog poopies 5 times. I would get 15 pages in, yawn, put it back on the shelf.

But this last time, I decided I was going to just get through it. Maybe it’s slow. Maybe I don’t know enough or care enough about Afghanistan to get into, but I will learn some things. Maybe I’m just being lame, wanting something entertaining instead of a cut your balls off slow mess of a start.

I had a bunch of free time at work, so I sat down and just powered through it. Man, what a fucking downer this piece of shit is!

After I finally broke through the stranglehold that was the first 15 pages, I figured out the entire book. Before it happened. I predicted every fucking twist, every plot device, every single possible thing that would go down.

SPOILERS ewwww ahhhhh (I hate when web shits do this warning but anyway)

I figured this author guy was going to have to try to right the wrongs by coming back to Afghanistan to find out that his buddy was dead, on page two.

I knew Hassan was Baba’s kid, that was so freaking obvious, it made me pissed off that they tried to make it the BIG reveal at page 300.

I knew that the Hassan kid was going to get raped. How? I just had a feeling. My feeling was right again.

And I knew that the author was going to have to adopt Hassan’s kid. And when they said that they were going to look for a guy in sunglasses to get Hassan’s kid, I knew that guy had to be the guy who raped Hassan and was raping Hassan’s kid now. And I knew the kid was going to try to commit suicide.

END SPOILERS (God I hate that Spoiler shit!)

So what if it was predictable? It’s still a good book right?

Hardly. It felt manipulative and super melancholy on purpose. I understand the world sucks and Afghanistan and its people went through a ton of unnecessary hardships and pain. But really, do you have to punch me in the face with it?

Did I like it? Not really. I don’t like feeling sad for no reason and guilty for living in the US. It’s not that I want a super happy book either. I’ve read ton of sad books that didn’t piss me off after I read them.

Everyone just raves over this book, but it feels like a first time writer sat down, figured out what plot twists would have people crapping their pants over, killed the shit out of every plot point and made it so that you HAD to feel sad. LAME.

Fuck you Oprah and your stupid book club.

David Lynch- My hero!

“Color me see through, and tickle my favorite inch, turn the ringer off and thank God for David Lynch…” – Buck 65 “BSc”

David Lynch is my hero. Deep down, I wish I could be him, or at least be like him. He makes his own movies and art, does his own thing, doesn’t give a damn what anyone thinks. His ‘work’ is his own distinct style that no one could copy without someone saying, “Wait a second, that’s very Lynch right there!”

Who is David Lynch? If you’ve never seen any of his movies, you’re missing out. If you’ve have and still don’t know who he is, I don’t know who is either. Deep down, who is this crazy genius? I don’t know.

He’s vague in interviews, doesn’t really reveal what his works mean. Shit he doesn’t do a ton of interviews in the first place.

He’s like the crazy kid in your third grade class who would eat glue, draw bloody pictures of kids getting their heads cut off, where nothing but black and no one talked to. He grew up and figured out how to get money to make motion pictures of those pictures he drew. Not that Lynch’s style is horror, or over the top bloodiness either. But the feeling you get while watching, the sinking feeling of uneasiness and confusion, is like those drawings.

His movies are completely utterly hard to explain. Trust me I’ve tried.

I had a film class in college at ASU where we had this enormous 30 page paper and presentation due at the end of the semester about a film, its meanings, its parables, and the importance of the movie.

I chose to do my project on the Lynch film Lost Highway; one of the most complex, intricate, moving films I have ever seen. I set out from the start of the semester to make this paper my greatest thing I accomplished in college (besides the time when I drank 190 shots of beer in 190 minutes).

The first time I saw Lost Highway with my ex girlfriend, I was scared shitless. More scared than the first time I saw ‘Nightmare on Elm Street’, when I was 9. Why? It wasn’t that it was some big hack’em slash’em picture, or that it was meant to be particularly scary. It was weird. I didn’t understand it. And because I didn’t understand it, that was more scary. Plus Robert Blake fucking freaked me out… still does.

That’s probably what drew me to it, the fear and the uncertainty. I was going to conquer this picture, even if it took me all semester. I started that first week, watching the film, taking extensive notes of each scene. By the time I sat down to write my paper and presentation, I knew the movie like I wrote it. I had all the dialog memorized. I could tell you when Fred Madison was going to play a certain note on his saxophone.

I walked into class armed with a stacked paper, a well-organized presentation and confidence in my subject. I was scheduled to go next to last, so I had to wait patiently as the losers in my class presented us with topics like “Jurassic Park- Political Allegory” and “Titanic- A Love Story”. I was a shoe in to rock these kids faces off with my potent and important musings.

My turn finally came, I got up and cleared my throat. “With a show of hands, how many of you have watched The Lost Highway?” No one raised their hands, not even my teacher. I then asked how many of them had heard of the Lost Highway.

“I have the soundtrack…” one kid said.

Great. I was going to have to explain this movie that I barely understand after watching it 150 times to a group that have no fucking idea what the lost highway is; let alone its various metaphors for hell, circular damnation and lust.

I started into my presentation. Minutes later, I noticed that the class looked confused, everyone’s eyes were glossed over, including my teacher.

My professor said, “Justin, just go ahead and sit down.”

Wow. How fucking rude!

I got an A on my paper and presentation, mainly because the prof could tell I spent a lot of time on it and he was so confused, he didn’t want to have to watch the movie to see if I was right.

I felt somewhat pissed that my brilliant points were wasted on such idiots. Probably the same way David Lynch feels whenever critics, studio execs and average assholes watch his films. Maybe not though, he’s probably completely happy that they don’t understand him. Man, I wish I could be like that!

David Lynch, my hero.

Parker, the new old dog

Parker, the new family dog!

I’m getting a new dog. Well, I’m not, my girlfriend is. And it’s not really a ‘new’ dog, she’s four years old. But still, I’m getting a new dog!

I can’t tell you how excited I am about this. I’ve never had a dog for myself. I’ve had family dogs. I’ve even had cats on my own. But I’ve never a owned a dog, on my own, in my apartment.

I’m nervous… a little. It’s a little bit of a bigger dog then I expected to get. But she’s really sweet and kind, doesn’t bark and is just chill.

She’s been at the pound for two months, most people look for puppies or small energetic dogs. Parker is more of a 'chill, don’t bark, smile and be polite dog,' one that doesn’t jump out at you when you go to the pound to find a dog. She was only about a week away from being put down. We saved her!

I can’t wait to have long walks in the park with Parker, hike up Runyon canyon with her, take her to the beach, take her to my friends house, and run to Target with her.

If you see me with a huge smile on my face, its because of this new little 25 pound bundle of joy in life.

House

When I was a kid; my brother, my best friend growing up Monica and I would play house often.

You know the game ‘house’; you pretend to go to work, come home and then climb in bed with the girl you are playing with. Fun times, I wish adults played house. I guess they do, they just call it ‘real life’.

Anyone, on that fateful day, Monica propositioned to my brother, “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.”

My jaw hit the floor, that’s a great idea. Why didn’t I think of that on my own!?!?! Finally I would get to see what I was confused about since the first time I accidentally walked in on my mom getting dressed for work. Why didn’t girls have a stick thingy, where was it? Did they tuck it away? Was it smaller or something?

My brother didn’t want to do it but I used a device kids sometimes employ called peer pressure. He hesitatingly pulled down his pants and showed his little wiener to her.

Formalities out of the way, onto step two! The anticipation was building. Monica took one look at my brother’s penis, gave a little “Ehh” and walked away.

“Wait!” I begged her. “Where are you going? You have to hold up your end of the bargain!”

“Nope, it wasn’t worth it,” she replied.

Ouch. Burn. My brother has never lived this story down and never will.

Dreams of Africa

I have dreams… dreams of Africa. Dreams of vast deserts and jungles, filled with exotic flora and fauna. Dreams of my girlfriend and me giving food to emaciated children. Dreams of helping the Red Cross deliver vaccines to remote areas where there is no electricity or running water.

These dreams aren’t dreams in the literal sense of the word, they don’t occur during sleep. These thoughts happen everyday when I’m at work; sitting in an office, wearing dress shoes, drinking expensive coffee and not doing a damn thing to help myself or my world.

What am I doing to help anyone but myself and my (distant) dreams of making movies? Absolutely nothing.

I feel guilty.

Not super guilty mind you, just kind of guilty. Guilty enough to write about it on a blog, not guilty enough to sell all my belongings and join the peace corp. But I day dream of telling everyone goodbye, having a last huge going away party and then flying to Dafur and picking up the pieces. Or maybe Iraq. Or Afghanistan.

Maybe it’s not that I want to help so much as I want an adventure. I NEED an adventure.

99.999999 percent of people live normal lives- the American Dream, the 9 to 5, the pay checks on every Friday, the two weeks vacation, the marriage and two kids.

Why do I feel like that’s a huge boring trap?

There is so much more to explore in the world then the five places I go during my week; work, home, Sarah’s house, gym and the bar. Same thing, rinse repeat.

But I’m tied down, just like everyone else, I have student loans to pay off, and a slowly budding career to think about. I can’t just up and leave all my ties behind… or can I?

One day you try to call me or email me and I tell you I’m in Africa, 100,000 dollars in debt and loving every minute of it, don’t say that I didn’t warn you.

Weekend Notes

Where my frogs at? Ribbit!

-Death Day has our first show coming up on next Friday. Man, we haven’t gotten all of our songs ready and yet we are still playing a Halloween show. (fitting that it’s Halloween for our first show…) Plus we get to DJ the party, which I’m excited about. I haven’t played out in a minute, and this show should be off the charts with all the shit I want to do. With my new equipment, it’s on bitches!

-The Lions play the Bucs in what should be an interesting game at Ford Field. You best believe I will be watching that game, considering that we have a good chance of winning. That, and the fact that Bucs fans all jumped off the bandwagon about three season ago.

-I just got an email from itunes today that says they are expanding their entire library to be 'DRM free' and still 99 cents. Thanks for that Apple, you read my blog and fix things but one problem remains. What about all the songs I bought already? Are you going to fix them so I can use them on my DJ gear? Dickfaces.

-A new bar just opened up down the street from my place called “The Happy Ending.” And no, it’s not a ‘rub and tug’ joint. Its pretty fresh, it looks like the owners took inspiration for the episode of “It’s Always Sunny” where there are no rules and 'everything goes' at the bar and crossed it with a bar in Rocky Pointe Mexico. There is a big wheel like the ‘Wheel of Fortune’ on the wall where you spin for a free drink or to set a drink special for the next twenty minutes. Plus they have a enormous lobster tank for no reason. I highly recommend it if you’re ever around Sunset and Sycamore in LA.

-What’s the saddest movie you ever saw? I’m having a hard time remembering what movies I have cried during… I know that Independence Day and sisterhood of the Traveling pants makes me cry… wait, did I just type that. I meant something tough like ‘Friday Night Lights'.

-Does anyone get stage fright when they are peeing next to a guy who you know is gay? There’s this dude at work who’s hella gay who pees next to me all the time, but I have a tough time keeping a stream. There are even those wall separators between the urinals (I call them ‘gayzer guards’ so no one can ‘gay’ze at your penis) but it doesn’t matter, my lil guy won’t work with me.

Peace out and have a good weekend people!

Kobe and Jerry, part 1 of 250

I present to you a transcription of the conversation between Kobe Bryant and Jerry Buss after last night’s 126-106 win over the Seattle Supersonics.

Location- the tunnel on the way to the locker room in Bakersfield CA…

*Kobe takes off jersey and slaps a Laker Girls’ ass.

Kobe Bryant- Good game. Good game.

*The Laker Girl smiles.


Laker Girl- You want that blowjob now or after your rub down?

KB- Are you fucking kidding me? Both. And quickly before my wife gets here. And where is Taylor? I thought you were taking my dick and she’s getting my balls tonight. I have the schedule written down in my locker…


*Dr. Jerry Buss walks up with an under aged girl in each arm.

Jerry Buss- Kobe, can I talk to you for a minute?

*Kobe rolls his eyes.

KB- Go get Taylor and tell her to get her jaw ready. I want to put both of my guys in her penalty box. (To Jerry) What? What do you want now? I’m fucking busy.

JB- Scamper along girls and entertain yourselves in my office while I talk to this superstar who works for… dum dum dum… ME!!! I have some Ring Pops in my desk and a copy of High School Musical 2 on my Tivo.

*Underage girls leave. Jerry puts his arm around Kobe.

KB- Have forgotten about my contract?

*Jerry takes his arm off Kobe.

JB- Sorry, I forgot about the no touching rule for a second. It’s just that I think of you as my son, and I can put my arms around my son.

KB- Speaking of which, where’s Jeanie? I was going to have a three way with her and Phil but when I went into Phil’s office, she wasn’t there, only Phil's naked white ass trying break the contact rules of my contract again. I swear to God if shit doesn’t start getting right around here, I’ll tell a class of Kindergarteners that I want to be traded. Do you want it to come to that?

JB- No no, I’ll talk to Jeanie. I just wanted to say thanks for playing tonight. The third quarter was fantastic where you scored 16 against a group of 23 year old scrubs. I think we really put on a show for these Bakersfield rednecks.

KB- We? No no, not we. I was all me muthafucka, me. Where was that big milkdud headed Lamar Odom? What was big fucking baby Andrew Bynum doing to help me score 16 in the quarter?

JB- I meant we in a general way. Like the team.

KB- What team? You haven’t given me a team.

JB- Mitch assured me that we've put together a championship roster this year. Just look at who we added.

KB- You mean Coby Karl, a 23 year old who had cancer two times already? Yeah, you can’t pull a fast one me on me, pederast. I have the internet, I can read even if I didn’t go to college.

JB- Listen, I understand you’re pissed Kobbb but you've gotta relax. Just remember our deal? You don’t want me talking to the media about the ‘truth’.

KB- At this point, I don’t give a fuck. Tell everyone that you bought out that Colorado girl that I raped. I’d rather go to jail than be treated like this.

JB- Let’s just table this discussion until later okay. Just take my compliment on the good game and lets walk this off.

KB- Whatever…

Kobe walks away. Jerry frowns, looks like he’s going to cry.

JB- (Sings) How am I supposed to live without you?

DRM or How itunes Fucked my Life

I just bought Serato Scratch Live for my turntables. It’s a hardware/software device that allows you to take digital music or any digital sound (including your own voice!) and be able to use it on special vinyl on a turntable. It’s kind of hard to explain but they give you these LP’s that have digital timecode on them and the turntables needles read the timecode and tell your computer when you are scratching, stopping the record etc.

Plus, the program makes it a ton easier to beat match records together with a wave-form display and the ability to organize virtual ‘crates’ with your playlists all lined up.

To the layman, what does that mean? It’s freaking awesome, that’s what it means.

But much to my dismay, after purchasing the program and importing my itunes folder into Serato’s easy interface I realized I was missing a ton of songs.

What the fuck?

Apparently, Serato doesn’t recognize the default setting for itunes files, which is easily fixed by saving the files as MP3’s. It’s time consuming but it’s worth it.

I was in the process of doing this when I clicked onto a file that I purchased off the itunes website and it said that it was unable to process because this file was DRM protected.

Again, what the fuck?

I understand the principle behind DRM, (which stands for ‘Dick Rammed in Myass”). Apple wants to make sure that you can’t pirate their shit right? That’s fine, but does Apple also want it so that I can’t play my fucking songs on my dj equipment? That’s not cool!

I bought a bunch of songs from the itunes, thinking that I would be scratching them soon on my Serato enhanced turntables. Now, I’m stuck figuring out a way to crack this DRM shit just so I can play these songs at this party I’m DJaying next week! I already downloaded one program that was supposed to help but all I think it did was give me spyware. Lame.

I guess I can burn every song onto a CD, put it back into my computer and then have to name it. Fucking time wasting piece of cat shit.

I hate you Apple. I hate you itunes. I hate you Steve Jobs.

My First Three Kisses

Everyone remembers their first kiss, unless you were drunk when it happened. I really consider three kisses to be my first kiss. Why three you ask? Well you’re about to find out, just keep reading, you impatient a-hole!

First Kiss Number One-

Second grade, there was a beautiful little girl named Jenny in my day care, which was really some lady’s house that she packed 15 kids into. It was your normal set up, kids stacked on kids, making noise and getting in trouble. My babysitter, Moana, would make us ‘ants on a log’ and graham crackers covered in peanut butter, basically anything with peanut butter, she was good like that. She wasn’t exactly the greatest babysitter, she would play solitaire for hours and hours while we ran around hitting each other, drawing on her walls and fucking her place up, without her even looking up for a second from her 2524th game of the day.

Jenny would always play with the fake kitchen play set while I played with the Atari 2600 on the old dial style television with rabbit ears (yeah, I’m that old… shut the fuck up.) Jenny would wear these hot ‘Osh’Kosh’By’Gosh’ overalls, a pink plaid button up shirt, ‘jelly’ sandals and pigtails. Man, if I ever see a girl rocking that outfit in LA, I’d have to marry her right there.

One day, a group of the kids got together and decided to play hide and go seek. As the sucker who was ‘IT’ counted down from 20, I looked for a place to hide. When 15 kids play hide and go seek in a two bedroom house, you kind of run out of hiding spots fast. I’d run to the closet, Timmy’s in there, in the cabinet, nope Will’s there.

I checked under the bed and there was Jenny, laying flat and quiet. I slide in with her and we laid there, not saying a word, her hand barely touching mine. There was so much palpable adolescent sexual tension in the air, talk about scary for my young self.

The IT kid yelled out that he found his prey. Jenny and I looked at each other, a smile and giggle happened between us. Suddenly, I had this rush, this sensation, this urge I had never had before. I had to kiss her. I had to do it, RIGHT AWAY.

I attacked her face with my own, part head butt, part kiss from hell. My forehead careened into her nose and then I made a quick move to crane my neck to get my lips to hers, like a dolphin jumping out of the water or a cat licking an entire wall. My lips hit her chin and then stuck on her lips, where I pressed so hard, I could feel her neck crack. We held our lips together for probably a tenth of a second, but it felt like two hours.

She coiled back in horror, grabbed her nose, and ran to tell Moana what had happened. All the kids laughed at me for hours afterwards, I was dubbed the “Kissing Bandit” by Moana.

Was I embarrassed? Yes. Would I take it back? No way in hell.

First Kiss Number Two-

In Michigan during the summer, there isn’t much to do. Kids find new ways to entertain themselves with varied results. The entire summer after my fifth grade year was spent out doors; riding my bike, building tree forts and playing war games with the kids in the neighborhood. When we would get sick of that, there was Nintendo, door bell ditch and Yo! MTV Raps. But all of that was scrapped when a new girl, Teresa, moved 5 houses down from me.

Teresa was the sexiest 6th grader of all time. She was a natural looking Italian with dark curly hair and guess what, she had gotten boobs already. Not big ones mind you, but nice little perky boobs that required the starter bra kit. Plus she ran track so her legs were like tree trunks with a butt that could move mountains. I tried every day to run into her, be around her, get to know her.

She worked at Food Town, the local grocery store, where I think her Dad owned the store. She would hand out samples of pineapple to the customers and basically look cute. I would ride my bike there everyday and eat pineapple samples until my mouth burned and I couldn’t taste food for weeks, due to the high acidity of the pineapple.

I thought to myself, “I have to kiss this girl, dear God, how!?!?!?!”

One fateful day in late June, God answered my prayers. All the kids were hanging out at the community pool, including Teresa, who was wearing a bikini that made me quiver. God moved a cold front from Lake Michigan to Milan, creating one heck of a storm. We all ran for cover. “What are we going to do now?” Teresa invited us all to her basement, JACKPOT.

Her basement was completely different from mine. My basement was a place where ghosts, goblins and creatures lurked behind stacks of moldy Playboys and an old long freezer where we stored meat from the 1950’s. Her basement was a converted entertainment room, like one that you see in richer Midwest homes, filled with nice shag carpeting, a big screen TV and a pool table.

Teresa, two of her friends and me and two of my guy friends huddled together in the basement, wrapping up in blankets and towels. “What are we going to do now?” I asked again.

“Truth or Dare,” replied Teresa.

At this point, I had only played truth or dare a couple of times, all with dudes I knew. Truth or Dare with young guys consists of daring each other to go pee on something or picking truth and asking who you think is cute in your class.

We all agreed to play the game and by luck of the draw, one of Teresa’s friends was deemed worthy of the first round draft pick. She asks Teresa the fateful question, “Truth or Dare.”

“Dare,” she replies.

“I dare you to sit on Justin’s lap and French kiss him for 10 seconds.”

Teresa looked at me and smiled. My heart skipped a beat. "Whoa, this is what Truth or Dare is like with girls?!?!?!?! Man, this is fucking awesome!"

The only problem, I had never Frenched anyone before. Fear filled my insides, what the hell was I going to do? I knew how Frenching looked on the movies. The boys talked about it, how you were supposed to rub your tongue against the girl’s in some sort of pattern. But talking and doing are two completely different things.

She climbed onto my lap and smiled again, wrapping her big strong legs around my waist.

My breath… crap, why didn’t I brush my teeth before I went to the pool!? Dammit!

She leaned in a kissed me, first a peck and then her mouth opened and she forced her tongue into my mouth. It was all wet and sloppy and she tasted like she just drank a glass of milk. She might have frenched before, but man, she wasn’t really good at it. Shit, I was ten times worse. But at the time, it felt like heaven.

The crowd chanted “10, 9, 8…” a countdown to the end of bliss… then it was all over.

Teresa climbed off me, this time with a coy smile on her face.

This was the first of many Dare French kisses I had with Teresa and her friends. I would try to start a game daily, but it seemed like it would only happen when the girls wanted to play. But I never had a ‘real’ kiss with Teresa, only when we played Truth or Dare. Man, I wanted to have a real kiss with her…

First Kiss Number Three-

Sixth grade skate day. Our school had tradition of taking its sixth graders to Shadow Mountain skate center on the last day of school. It was a rite of passage from the dark years of elementary school to the promise land of middle school.

Everyone looked forward to this day and talked about it constantly. “What are you going to do first when we get to the Skate Center?” “I’m going to play hours of free arcade games!” “I’m going to eat 50 free pizzas!” “I’m going to slow skate with Wendy!”

I had a mission for that day of my own- French kiss Kesina Tkupek.

Kesina was a gorgeous strawberry blonde with a round face that just made you want to squeeze her cheeks. We flirted every day in class, slugged each other in the arms, told other people how much we liked each other, those people in turn told us.

The Shadow Mountain Skate Center was a haven of 70’s motifs that we never replaced. Bright orange and brown fabric covered large decorative wooden cut outs placed randomly over the yellowing concrete walls. The industrial carpet was worn down to the floor. The music they played was dated, kids don’t want to listen to “Shake you Booty” disco music in 1990, but they didn't care. The only modern thing was the video games.

After biding my time with Kesina, skating and talking, eating and playing games, it was ‘last skate’. FUCK ME! I didn’t pull the trigger yet, how the hell am I going to do this?

Apparently Ms. Tkupek had the same feeling. There was an unspoken oath between us that we were going to kiss. She grabbed me by the hand and tugged me towards the ‘smoking room’. Yep, back in the day, they had room dedicated to smoking, where the already yellowing walls were coated in brown tar and it reeked for smoke.

No kids were allowed in there, especially on Sixth Grade graduation day. But we didn’t follow the rules.

We barraged in their and BOOM, her and I immediately kissed. I don’t know who started it, I like to think that we both did. After a summer of playing Truth or Dare, I had my technique down. This was my first true French kiss without someone instructing us to do so.

We finished just as the door opened and one of our teachers pulled us out of there.

We walked onto to the bus, holding hands. At the time, I was sure we would get married and be together forever. Man, was I wrong.

Top Forty Radiohead Songs

As many of you know, I’m in love with Radiohead. I might have a serious problem; I’m addicted to them. I think about them constantly, like I’m dating Thom Yorke, Jonny Greenwood, Ed O'Brien, Colin Greenwood and Phil Selway all at the same time and I have to juggle my time with them.

With the release of their new release “In Rainbows”, I have had a hard time figuring out where it stands in the pantheon of Radiohead’s releases. In order to evaluate the worth of each album, I’ve looked at every albums’ track list and I’ve compiled a list of their greatest hits. (If any of you want a couple burned CD’s of songs off this list, shoot me an email and I’ll get them to you!)

Man, was this fucking tough to do.

40- Creep- Pablo Honey- This one has to make the list somewhere right? The band’s first hit, I still dig it even though most Radiohead fans and the band themselves don’t like it.

39- High and Dry- The Bends- Another hit, this one will always remind me of college days drinking beers at noon.

38- Karma Police- OK Computer - Should be higher on the list but again since I’ve heard it a million times on the radio, it’s hard for me to move it up. One of the best Radiohead videos ever.

37- Lucky- Ok Computer- This is a good song for when you’re down and just wish you could catch a break.

36- Black Star- The Bends- This is a song that will always remind me of Jeff Woods drinking wine on my patio, he always requests this song. Rightfully so, it’s a good talk and drink wine song.

35- Bodysnatchers- In Rainbows- A nice fuzzy up tempo song from the new album, that’s sounds like Radiohead rocking out for fun with no one recording.

34- There There (The Boney King Of Nowhere)- Hail To The Thief- On record, this song is good but not great. But live, man this songs rocks your face off with the large drum that Johnny Greenwood plays.

33- Everything in its Right Place- Kid A- A hard song to place on this chart, its either one of my favorites or it slips, daily. I hate that Vanilla Sky uses this song so well, cause I’d love to put it in a movie.

32- You and Whose Army?- Amnesiac- A great song when it is raining and you just want to sit out side, smoke a bowl and write. A simple song but beautiful nonetheless.

31- Nude- In Rainbows- This might be a lot higher on the chart in a two weeks after I listen to it more. I love this song so much and it has a lot of great layers in it. The lyrics will break your heart if you have ever cheated on, or been cheated, in a relationship before.

30- Fake Plastic Trees-The Bends- The first sign of Radiohead’s ballad capacities, it speaks volumes of their views on the world and the fakeness in it.

29- House Of Cards- In Rainbows- Another new one that might place higher after I listen to it more. It has a guitar part that is very catchy and Thom wailing some awesome harmonies before the song even begins. The first line, “I don’t want to be your friend, I just want to be your lover” is a classic.

28-A Punch Up At A Wedding (No No No No No No No No)- Hail To The Thief- I listened to this song on repeat when I was at film school. A classic piano line with a drum beat that sounds almost hip-hop like, it gets stuck in my head all the time.

27-Pyramid Song- Amnesiac- A beautiful song with beautiful lyrics. Has a great classic Radiohead build up and break down. The classical instrument back up makes it haunting.

26- Planet Telex- The Bends- The first song on the Bends, it has big powerful drums and a sign of things to come on future Radiohead albums, spacey synth piano that drips with reverb.

25- Punchdrunklovesicksingalong- My Iron Lung- This a great haunting song that never made a real album but is a total favorite of mine. The lyrics are scary, the world is coming to an end, firebombs are dropping, is it the girl’s fault?

24- Fog (Again)(Live)- Com Lag (2plus2isfive)-
Also called “Alligators in the New York Sewers”, this song has some of the saddest lyrics and singing. Also a B-side, this one just makes you wonder about how sad Thom was when he wrote it.

23- Blowout - Pablo Honey- One of only a few Pablo Honey songs that I like, this one is Radiohead’s favorite off the album and it makes sense, it’s the one that shows promise of things to come. Also the lyric, “Everything I touch turns to stone”, I can relate.

22- Morning Bell- Kid A- A multilayered song with tons of stuff going on in it, especially the end, which builds with processed vocals and guitars.

21- 15 Step- In Rainbows- The opening track on the new album, this is the most ‘Radioheady’ song on the album with electric drums, spacey synth lines and a sample of little kids yelling YEAH! Awesome.

20- 2+2=5 (The Lukewarm)-Hail To The Thief- A very underrated song, this one is about George Bush to me, although Yorke says its not about current politics. Bullshit. Man, this song builds harder and faster than anything they have done in a while with a good old-fashioned fuzz synth and lyric holler at the end.

19- Jigsaw Falling Into Place- In Rainbows- A night of drunken hook ups is the topic here. The up-tempo beat and Thom’s monotone voice set this song off right before he gets pissed and starts yelling.

18- The National Anthem- Kid A- I had a hard time placing this song. Its not one that you can listen to on repeat often, but it is one of the most complex RH songs of all time. Powerful and full of every instrument ever made.

17- Dollars & Cents- Amnesiac- Simple song with not a lot of craziness, but this one always gets me. I can listen to this one all day long and not get sick of it. A good song to write to also.

16- Where I End And You Begin (The Sky Is Falling In)- Hail To The Thief- A great song about relationships, it has some really cool ambient noise in it as well as a great baseline.

15- How to Disappear Completely- Kid A - Thom has stated in interviews that this is his fav song. I can see why, the lyrics of loneliness and the build up are of legend.

14- Weird Fishes/Arpeggi- In Rainbows- Just a cool song, it has some serious backbeat and the lyrics are so dreamy… man I love Thom Yorke… kiss me Thom. Sorry, lost myself for a second. The ending of this one is great also, breaks down to build back up.

13- Talk Show Host- Looking Back At...- The sexiest RH song ever, but at the same time, its not about that, its more about stalking. Just a simple cool song, I really had a hard time placing this one also, its that good but just a little too simple to move up. Also, my girl’s favorite RH song.

12- Exit Music (For A Film)- OK Computer- One of the most heart breaking songs of all time. A true epic soundscape full of rises and falls, lyrics that hurt and make you want to run away.

11-In Limbo- Kid A- The guitar melodies on this song are things of legend, it starts as a pretty normal song with a few samples that busts into a crazy sound smear that will make you reach for your volume knob.

10- Bullet Proof...I Wish I Was- The Bends- The song on the Bends that always gets me. Shows a level of weakness and hurt unlike the other songs on the album, RH also plays with ambient guitar sounds in the background on this one, a sign of much more to come on future albums.

9- Myxomatosis (Judge, Jury & Executioner)- Hail To The Thief- A fucking banger, this one is the first song I put on when I listen to HTTT. It shows a level of power and vulnerability, the fuzzy guitar (is it a guitar?) and drums just kill you. A great song when you’re pissed off and you beat someone up.

8- All I Need- In Rainbows- This song is an instant classic to me. I could listen to this one all day and it will never get old. The lyrics reveal a level of needing someone that can only lead to heartbreak. The song starts so mellow and cool and then builds to crashing end.

7- Subterranean Homesick Alien - OK Computer- A song about aliens taking you away… or a veiled reference to something else? Either way, it’s a classic full of distant guitar echoing against synths and great drums that crescendos into a head-nodding chorus.

6- Idioteque-Kid A- Another song that just makes you move, the quick electronic drums and the crazy ondes martenot or synth line just rocks. Probably the most techno sounding RH song.

5- Airbag- OK Computer - Ok Computer songs are very hard to place on this thing, especially the first couple of songs that are all classics. This one just plain rocks out. If you don’t know this song and you need a description, buy the freaking album already.

4- Knives Out- Amnesiac- Man, this song is my favorite… okay, maybe not. I had it at number one for most of the night but I moved it down based on the fact that it’s not nearly as complex and crazy as these other songs in the top three. This song does it for me, it’s so simple that it was almost left off the album. Sometimes simple is better, as its combination of sad lyrics and melancholy chords makes me want to feel sorry for myself.

3- Optimistic- Kid A- Like the title says, this is a feel good song… or is it? Even when Radiohead is trying to be positive (‘The best you can is good enough’), they come off negative. This one is a banger with a huge turn around at the end (surprise, a RH song with a huge build up ending!) The guitar and drums reminds old time Radiohead fans what they used to sound like (and are reforming into again). No crazy electronic elements, just good old RH jamming out.

2- Paranoid Android - Ok Computer- Like three songs in one, it has distinct parts that come and go, with a sinister tone of alienation, heart break and authorial anger. The buildup in the middle of the song bangs your head, the ending makes you hold up your lighter to the sky until they go right back into the crazy build up. Should be number one on most people’s list but I am not like most people…

1- I Might Be Wrong - Amnesiac- By the count on my itunes, I have listened to this song 312 times, which is a grossly under estimated number. What can I say about this song to describe its strengths and meaning to me? It has an amazing guitar line that rolls with the song, lyrics that make you ‘think about the good times and never look back’ and a baseline that kicks in at a time when you don’t expect it. At the end, the little guitar break down, spacey drum machine drums, Thom wailing still sends a chill up my spine. The whole thing just speaks to me.

Writing this column really made me re-evaluate what I like about Radiohead and each of their albums.

Taking a look at my list, there are 2 Kid A, 2 Amnesiac, 3 OK Computer, 1 HTTT, 1 In Rainbows and 1 Bends song in the top ten.

I used to think that Amnesiac is the greatest album of all time. Period. Couldn’t tell me different.

But after creating this list, its really tough to say one is better than the other. Kid A’s great. So is OK Computer. This new one, In Rainbows, is pretty damn good. Like Amnesiac, it has more of an intimate feel and a back to basics sound for the band. It suits them well.


Does the fact that there are 3 OK Computer songs in the top ten make OK Computer the best? I’m not sure. I still love me some Amnesiac…

But is it that the best? Maybe not. Maybe so. I might be wrong….

The Art of Dancing

I’m a dancer. What can I say, I like to dance. I might not be very good at it, shit, I might be the whitest, dorkiest dancer of all time. But when I dance, dammit, it’s contagious.

People see me dancing and start getting ants in their pants. It might be my strong hip movement or my awkward hand gestures but they can’t help themselves but get up and shake their shit.

This weekend, I was just shaking it with Sarah (my all time fav dance partner) at a bar with no dance floor. It started with a little shaking, nothing more than a hip movement or a slide. But the hips don’t lie, and soon, we were BUSTING A MOVE.

People saw us and thought, “Man I wish I was dancing too.” (Or maybe I just thought so…)

Mike made fun of us, well really me, because of my dancing prowess. But soon, he would eat his words.

Others joined in and soon, it was Dance Party USA. I was breaking out dance moves like ‘waxing the globe’, ‘the sprinkler’, and my newest move, “Push the Floor down.” Push the floor down is sort of like “Raise the roof” but a hundred times cooler. Man, it was onnnnnnnn.

Sarah countered with a point perfect ROBOT and soon, the fire sprinklers came on because we set the room on FIRE.

We left shortly after we got the party dancing. That’s the key to being a true dancer; you pick your spots and end on a high note.

The next time you are at a party that’s lame, just give me and Sarah a call, we’ll turn up the heat.

Random Friday Notes-

I’m going to try to get two posts up today… although it’s tough because I started writing this new screenplay, “the Thief”. It’s a cool screenplay to me, right now it’s not much to read but dang it, if I filmed it, it would grab you. I watched the end of American Beauty last night and I realized that it kind of has some elements of that; really that feeling that you life is slipping by, midlife crises and finding your passion again.

-You ever notice the older you get, the less you see your friends. Everyone grows up, moves away, is too busy etc etc etc… Man, it sucks. To any of my friends that are still reading this blog, good on ya. Hope that your lives are good, you’re still here with me in my head.

-No Lions game this weekend… what am I going to do? I guess watch other teams play.

-Some awesome movies come out this weekend. Michael Clayton which the WB did, should be awesome. I still haven’t seen it, I missed the screening that we had the other week. We own the Night should be a sight to see, I hope they don’t screw it up. The Darling Limited is out in select cities, like LA, always good to see a little Wes Anderson. And my girl really wants to see Elizabeth, which I’m not to thrilled about but whatever.

-The Star Trek movie announced that they are casting Simon Pegg as Scottie. That has to be one of the best castings of all time. Dang, these people at Bad Robot know what they are doing, big time. Now, just push forward the release of the Lost DVD please…

-My girlfriend’s sister went through successful surgery. Thank God. Thank you for your support people.

Homeless

LA must be the best place for homeless people to live. Great weather, amazing tips from guilty feeling rich people, plenty of liberal places that will take care of them.

I have such a hate/jealousy relationship with homeless people. They get to hang outside all day, as I stare out my window at work wishing I could sit in the park. They have it easy on making money; I struggle to move up the movie world ladder.

I hate the fact that I have to pay a 'toll' when I walk past these people. They get so pissed if you don't give them money, like its written somewhere that you have to give homeless people money to go to 7-11. Fuck that shit. Big time fuckitty fuck that shit.

Man, sometimes I wish I were homeless. Partially homeless maybe. Like I had a house, took showers and wore nice clothes but I had no job but panhandling and taking handouts.

Really, panhandling is like a job. You have to go around and ask people for money, that’s kind of work right? The thing is, for me, it would be very humiliating, but for true homeless folk, its nothing. It’s like sitting down at your desk at work, just part of the daily grind.

But the tips, man, if they go for my girlfriend, they get like 4 dollars. 4 dollars a minute, that’s not a bad job right. Sure, it’s a numbers game where you gotta ask a ton of people like me who tell you to fuck off and die, but you get 10 Justin’s girlfriend an hour, that’s 40 bucks right there. I'm pretty sure that’s 4 times what I make an hour, I’ll have to figure out my hourly rate...

But there is a silver lined cloud for these people in the horizon…

Not many people know this but my father was homeless for about two months. No shit, that’s not even a joke. He got into a fight with my stepmom and got thrown in jail and when he got out, he couldn’t go back to her. What did he do? He panhandled and slept on the cold ass streets of Ann Arbor Michigan. And in Michigan, the tips aren’t nearly as big as they are in sunny Cali.

You know what happened though? It cleaned him up. He stopped drinking and wanted to do something with his life. He got a job at Home Depot, saved money, rented a cute little house and got his shit back together.

It was the first time that he didn’t want to be a mooch. He wanted a life of his own. Unfortunately, my step mom saw how good he was doing and took him back, leading to him to go back into mooching and drinking… but that’s not the point.

The point is that my Dad was able to take his butt off the streets, when he didn’t have anything, and get a job, home and an X Box. How? By trying, that’s it.

Why doesn’t all homeless people do this I ask myself?

Because society is like my step mom, we want to help these people, but giving them what you have is just allowing them to stay that co-dependent.

I beg you all-

Stop giving panhandlers money people, you are just encouraging them to stay homeless. If it’s not a lucrative business, then they will have no choice but to look for other ways of making money, like getting a job.

If this doesn’t change soon, I’m going to cave in. You’re going to see me on the street corner with a sign that says, “Will beg for money…”

Random Notes from a Wednesday

I'm going to post a full topic later today but I thought I might riff on some little things.

-The new Radiohead Album came out today for download. If you haven't picked it up (online), you must do it. If you don't want to go through the process of the online thing, shoot me an email and I get you a copy. Its freaking rad as shit, you must own it.

-This morning, I went to the DMV to finally get my Cali drivers licence. Man, what a bunch of happy people work at the DMV. This rude bitch behind the counter was so pissed that she was at work and was going to make it know to everyone. She sat next to a sign that read, "It is a federal offense to assualt a DMV worker". I guess that it happens so often that people need to be warned before they snap. Man, what a miserable place.

-I worked all night again on music with Sarah. We have about 5 solid songs for our new band DEATH DAY. We think we are going to play live and put out some stuff on you tube. This project is going better than anything else I am working on, man I wish movie making was this easy. In fact, I was supposed to work on the sound for Tag last night but we got too caught up in the music. I'll keep you all posted.

-Did you know it's a crime to spread human ashes in unauthorized places? Man, I'm really surprised by this one. Fuck, let me greive assholes, if I want to spread my fathers dead ashes over where ever I was, I should be able to.

-What happened to the writing on "Its always sunny in philadelphia"? It really took a tumble. Man, it was my favorite show but it seems like this third season doesn't have the same quality of scripts. Lame.

-Speaking of TV, if you didn't see the Cartman has Tourette's episode of South Park last week, download it. It's fall on your face funny.

-Say a little prayer as you read this that everything works out for my girlfriends sister who is going through surgery this morning. Its a very serious procedure for an 18 year old to be going through so please have her in your heart today.

THE TOP TEN SIT DOWN MEXICAN FOOD RESTURANTS OF THE WORLD-

After I graduated college, I went to Europe for three months with my friends to experience a different lifestyle. Boy it sure was different for me. While I loved Europe, I found that I could never live there.

Why? It wasn’t the people or the culture that turned me off, I liked all of that for the most part. It was the lack of viable Mexican Food options.

I am in love with Mexican Food. It’s a staple of my diet, I eat it once a day, if not for every meal.

Every country and town we visited in Europe, I tried to find Mexican food. Alas, I did not succeed… well sort of. I had ‘Mexican’ food in 5 countries and every place screwed it up. I found nachos in Edinburgh Scotland that had cottage cheese instead of sour cream and what I think might have been fried pita bread instead of tortilla chips. You would think they might get a recipe off the internet and try to stick with that shit.

The first thing I did when I got off the plane was eat shitty Mexican food at LAX. But man, that was the best food I ate all summer. It was like Jesus touched my tongue with magical fairy dust.

I decided right then and there that I would always stay near Mexican food.

Luckily, I live in LA, where they have actual Mexicans to make Mexican food, crazy idea yes no? But my Mexican food heart still really lies in Phoenix… where the Sonoran style Mexican food is the best in my opinion.

To help others find the right Mexican Food restaurant, I offer this …

THE TOP TEN SIT DOWN MEXICAN FOOD RESTURANTS OF THE WORLD-

10-El Coyote- http://www.elcoyotecafe.com/index_lo.html?detectflash=false
One of the only good sit down mex restaurants in the LA area. Food is pretty average but they make a mean margarita (from what I remember of this place, every time I’m here I get pretty bombed). This is a great place to go for a ‘get drunk with your friends’ type of moment, not a ‘man, I just want some great Mexican food’ moment. This one makes the list based solely on the fact that I don’t have too many places in LA I can trust. Freaking LA… you would think they have better Mexican food here!

9-Ernie’s- http://maps.google.com/maps?client=safari&rls=en&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&um=1&q=ernie's&near=Burbank,+CA&fb=1&view=text&latlng=34150710,-118366068,11219035339401494147
This place is the only other trust worthy place in my hood. It’s in North Hollywood, so not too close, yet not too far. The food is close to what you get in Phoenix, a little less quality than some of it Arizona brothers but still tasty. All in all, it’s a pretty average place however, with nothing that makes it stand out in my mind. But again, it’s on this list because I felt like I needed to put at least two places on here that my LA connects can visit.

8-Matador- http://matador2go.com/
In the heart of downtown Phoenix, this place brings back memories to when I was a Phoenix Suns ballboy. We used to go to this place on Sunday day games and enjoy the tasty combo platters. Boy, those were the days…

7-Via Delosantos- http://maps.google.com/maps?client=safari&rls=en&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&um=1&q=via+delosantos&near=Phoenix,+AZ&fb=1&view=text&latlng=33568839,-112073887,16140363205965500284
Right by my parents house, this one is climbing up the list. I had it when I was last in Phoenix and had a super tasty Pollo Fundido.

6-Ajo Al’s- http://www.ajoals.com/page/page/2979529.htm
Speaking of Pollo Fundido, this one is the best, but it’s not like any other fundido. A fundido is usually a chimichunga covered in cream cheese and sour cream, Ajo Al’s is a plate like fajitas with extra toppings. Not exactly right but dang is it good.

5-Los Dos Molinos- http://phoenix.about.com/od/restreview/gr/LosDosMolinos.htm
The best place of margaritas on the Earth, hands down. They reportedly use an entire bottle of top shelf tequila in every pitcher of margs. How is that legal? I’m not sure. How’s the food? Can’t remember but I always love going to this place.

4-Susie’s- http://maps.google.com/maps?client=safari&rls=en&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&um=1&q=susie's&near=Tempe,+AZ&fb=1&view=text&latlng=33422100,-111886688,3254220021741279181
The token hole I the wall place that no one knows about. Man, this place rocks. They have these little carne asada tacos like the ones you get on the streets of Mexico, minus the cat meat. Man, thinking about this place makes my mouth go all Pavalovian…

3-Garcia’s- http://www.garciasmexican.com/history.htm
The place most near and dear to my heart, this was the first real Mexican food I had when we moved to Arizona. It set my on my life long love affair. This place has kind of gotten more commercial throughout the years but its still good and brings a tear to my eye with the thoughts on my single mother taking her two kids to the desert to start a new life.

2-Carlos O’Brien’s- http://www.azeats.com/CarlosOBriens/default.htm
This place is just plain good. Close to my parents house and has a little Irish touch to make it feel like my own. Their food is amazing and the salsa is melt in your mouth.

1-Valle Luna- http://www.valleluna.com/
The Number one far and away. This is the place I crave the most when I want Mexican food. Brings back great memories of high school and college. I remember sitting there with my brother killing like 15 things of chips waiting for Coyle to meet us. This place has the best cheese crisp (an open faced quesadilla) on the planet. I want to go there right now…. Please God send this franchise to LA, it’s killing me not having it around.

Honorable Mentions and Chains that I can stand…
Acapulco- People hate this place. I don’t mind it. I especially like the buffet.
Macayo’s
Manuel’s
El Bravo
Don Cuco’s
Aunt Chilada’s
Antonio’s-

Man, I wish that these places were in Europe, I’d move there. Well, maybe not.

COMING SOON- FAST FOOD MEXICAN RESTURANTS

DJaying crack

I almost impulse bought more DJ equipment this weekend. Not that I need it, I haven't played a club in over five years. But man, when I saw that equipment, I almost dropped $600.

You see, DJaying is like Crack.

First, it’s an expensive habit. Just buying the equipment to start out is freaking outrageous. Then the music is expensive since you have to buy more and more and more songs. The only time it is financially rewarding is if you start playing out and get paid to play, then you become the crack dealer I suppose.

Second, it’s addictive. When you start playing shows and clubs you get a buzz, you’re making the crowd move. There is nothing like the feeling when you have the ultimate mix of songs perfectly beat matched and the party is jumping and dancing. You want that feeling more and more all the time. Plus, even playing at home is addictive. You crave the feel of vinyl on your fingers, the beat, the perfect mix, the scratching (not from DJ disease, but cutting up your favorite songs. Might I recommend EPMD’s “You’re a Customer”).

Third, it’s really bad for you. You stay out late all the time, you’re drinking, you’re eating bad food, you’re surrounded by smoke, you might end up with some groupie… that brings up…

Fourth, it can lead to bad relationships. You meet all sorts of people DJaying; groupie girls, wannabe DJ’s, MC’s and producers who are more criminals than music lovers. I had way too many run ins with these people, with dangerous results.

Because of these factors, I decided long ago that I wanted to concentrate on film making instead of music. I figured there was more money in film. Judging by my current financial struggles, I might be wrong on that one…

But still, hanging out at nightclubs sucks, to me at least. I don’t like the people, don’t like the scene, don’t like the top 40 music that you are required to play. The Top 40 song requests are what really forced me out, I hate having groupie girls come up and ask you to play some bullshit that hurts your ears.

Lately when I go out, I go to bars that play GOOD music, stuff that I like. It makes me think, maybe there is a chance that I could get a gig playing what I WANT TO PLAY. Hall and Oates mixed with Mobb Deep. Led Zeppelin mixed with Run DMC. Weezer mixed with… well you get the idea.

The problem is it takes time to dj. You have to get your mixes right, make a good CD to get some gigs, cultivate your business and work every night until 2 AM plus. Kind of takes time out of the whole writing/directing/producing thing…

I’m still undecided about making a comeback but man, that djaying crack is calling me back….

The Wonderful World of Porn

A buddy of mine caught his roommate masturbating to porn on the couch.

Yep, porn and masturbation. The scourge of the Earth. The vile material of Satan. The most fun you can have by yourself.

My friend was appalled. How could he do that? On our couch? With my lotion? He said that he wouldn't never let him live it down.

I smacked him. "What are you, straight edge? Tell me that you haven't become like every Christian asshat that hates porn and masturbation. People masturbate to porn... you do."

“No I don't. It’s a sin, you shouldn’t masturbate to porn because God doesn't want you to!”

He was kidding of course but it brought up a good topic. Why wouldn’t God want you to masturbate to porn?

First off, its good practice for the big dance. You don’t go running a marathon without training. How many times have you had sex with someone and said to yourself, “Damn, I wish I would have jerked off today… if I could just somehow hold off on busting my nu… oh damn it. There it goes…”

Second, masturbation keeps you out of trouble. If I didn’t masturbate think about all the times I would have cheated on my girlfriends? Thousands. Think about how many kids I would have? 45. Think about the diseases that I would get... never mind. don't think about that.

Third, its good exercise. You work the forearms, the pelvic area etc. I don’t know how many calories you burn but I’m guessing about 4,500 per session.

People think that only degenerates watch porn. But a little statistical analysis I found on a Christian website (yes I did actual research for this blog, on a Christian website no less, two firsts!) leads me to believe that the entire world is over run with masturbating degenerates…

Worldwide sex industry sales for 2006 are reported to be 97 billion. To put this in perspective, Microsoft, reported sales of 44.8 billion in 2006. Worldwide ‘regular’ movie ticket sales were 23 billion in 2006.

At 13.3 billion, the 2006 revenues of the sex and porn industry in the U.S. are bigger than the NFL, NBA and Major League Baseball combined.

Hmmmm…. Noticing a pattern here?

People like porn and they like to buy it.

I usually use the free porn on the Internet but recently I made a pilgrimage to a porn store. Man, I was very surprised… not just by the double-sided dildos and the anal plugs but also at the prices, selection and quality.

Prices- would you pay $60 dollars for a porno? I wouldn’t. But apparently, that’s the going rate for higher quality porn. News to me… why would you need a $60 dollar porno? Does it fuck you or something? Does it have something that the others don't have (besides better looking women...)? I'm still confused about this one.

Selection- everything you could think of. Literally. You want a porno of a midget black Asian gay dude fist fucking his adopted Jewish mailman hermaphadyte cousin and his double amputee wife… aisle 4 in the ‘specialty’ section.

Quality- they’re putting money into the production values on these puppies. They should for 60 bucks, shit. The covers of some these things look better than the DVD’s we put out here at the WB. Seriously. I looked at one cover and it could have been the cover for Troy, same costumes and everything but they had sex instead of chopping each other’s heads off. If only all wars ended this way.

I bought some bargain bin 5 dollar porns, which cut the price and quality out of the equation but afforded many wild selections. I’d go into details of this sale rack but I’m afraid that they would pull down this blog due to explicit content.

The next time you make fun of your roommate for catching him jerking off to porn on the couch, stop. Don’t be like all these pseudo Christian haters. Be a congratulator instead. ‘Congrats of jerking off to porn, you’re one in a billion. Now give me back my lotion before your spooge all over it.’

Radiohead - Knives Out

Letter to a Trainwreck

Dear Britney-

I feel your pain dawg. I really do.

I understand what you must be going through. I would call it a rough spot but that's kind of an understatement. You're going through more of a cheese grater spot. But don't fear, things will get better.

I'm here to provide the advice that you need. Stick to this plan, and you will be well on your way to a better life. Lets break down the problem areas. Please understand that some of the things I am saying might be harsh, but the truth hurts.

Kids-

You lost the rights to the kids, for that I’m sorry. No one should lose their kids but… You haven’t been much of a mother. I could run down the list of terrible things that your kids have had to endure but I don’t think this blog can hold that many words in one posting.

Solution- Scrap those kids and buy some new ones. It works for Madonna and Angelina Jolie. These new kids will just be happy to be in the US, they won’t care that their mother is a drug abusing, sex crazed nudist who can’t sing. Which brings me to point two…

Singing career-

In the immortal words of Dr. Peter Venkman, "This chick is toast." Nothing you can do about the singing thing. You're time has passed. We, the people have moved onto other people who can't sing, like Rhinnananana or whatever her name is. You had a good run right? You're collecting royalty checks still right? Your only hope is that you can do a tour in ten years as a novelty act. You could do a double bill with Weird Al or something.

Dancing-

How about your dancing? Let me put this lightly, you're a terrible dancer. Always have been. You're maybe one of most over rated dancers of all time. So, screw any chance you had at a full time dancing career. Unless you're dancing with poles, and I don't mean the Polish.

Acting-

You might have a shot here. I don't think you could do anything serious. But if you got into a movie where you made fun of yourself, like K-Fed's American Express commercial, then you can make some coin.

What Britney wished she looked like again...
Body-

Let's call a spade a spade here. You're fatter then you have ever been. I saw a picture of you on superficial.com lately where you were wearing a half top. I threw up in my mouth a little bit. But this too could pass. I have a program that could work on this, its called 'Diet and Exercise'. Its this crazy thing where you eat well and do stuff besides eating. Like working out. Crazy huh?

This one you might want to focus on first. I heard that you have like to run around naked all the time. For the benefit of everyone who has to see that, please put on clothes until the 'Diet and Exercise' stage is complete. Then, its naked time all over my house in front of Dayn and Mike, if that’s what you’re into.

Sexual Addiction-

Reports are that you like to have sex. A lot. With boys and girls. Sometimes at the same time. Nothing wrong with that. Wait, let me rephrase that. There is nothing wrong with that if you take care of the ‘Diet and Exercise’ step.

Fashion-

Your fashion sense is a train wreck into a school bus of retarded kids. I’d give you advice but I don’t know where to begin. This might require an entire another letter, a power point presentation and President Clinton and Bush to come together like they did for Katrina victims before some positive change occurs.

Lack of Hair-

You shaved your head and since then, you wear wigs and extensions to try to hide the fact that everyone knows. Well, we aren’t buying it for one second.

Here is a good piece of advice. Be more like Natalie Portman. That would help.
When Natalie Portman shaved her head, she didn’t wear wigs all the time. She rocked the bald head out to the world. And people loved it.

Drug Addiction-

Everyone likes drugs. I understand. But still lady, you gotta pull it back a little bit. Maybe stick to only doing drugs after 5 PM. That way, you can get some of these other more important things done (ie ‘Diet and Exercise’).

Bad partner decisions-

You’ve been spinning out control on this one since Justin Timberlake dumped your ass. I can understand a little rebound, maybe make a mistake or two. But look at the douche bags you’ve been dating! They’re not exactly JT.

Here’s an idea, date someone who doesn’t do a ton of drugs. That might be a great start.

What? That’s hard to find in your circle of friends? Have you thought of using a dating service maybe? I heard that there are some super ones on the internet. I can help you with your ad, “25 year old woman looking for a man who doesn’t want to mooch off of me and doesn’t have a worse drug problem than I already have. Must like cameras and bad fashion sense.”

----See, that wasn’t too hard. Simple solutions for complex problems. Take my advice please. If you take my advice, yeah you might not have any singing career left, but you’ll be happy. Isn’t that what’s important?

From
-J

Top Ten Things to Do when you're bored at work

Everyone has downtime at work. I have a ton of it. That's how I can bless the world with this blog. Free time well spent.

My friend Caren hates how much free time she has. She complains that she's bored all the time. She trolls the internet looking for anything to do and asks me to help her get over her boredom.

To offer a solution, I have developed a list of things to do at work to entertain yourself. Please follow all of these rules or else!

1-Read this blog. Easy to do and super informative.

2-Superglue post its together. Enjoy the past time of watching your coworkers tear apart stickie after stickie when they try to get a new one. So much fun, really you should try it.

3-Manage your check book. I've done so much of this that I now have an advanced spreadsheet and auto pay on my accounts. Its like I get paid to manage my money!

4-Get into fantasy sports. Fantasy sports single handedly killed 450 million hours of work in the US last year. Now if we can just send fantasy sports to China, we might catch them again in the global economy. Burn....

5-Pack shrimp into your work mates' chairs. If you take the chair off of its stem, you can jam about 35 shrimp into it and then put it back together. They won't be able to figure out why their work area smells so bad. A couple weeks in, the office thinks that they have a B. O. problem. Instant entertainment!

6-Crank call other workers. Self explanatory really but so much fun. Place fake orders. Submit complaints. Pretend you are the boss of the company.

7-Design a super kick ass myspace page. Totally nerd out so when your ex girlfriend from high school looks you up, she'll know that you are the same nerd who loved the Ninja Turtles with your new Leonardo background. Cowabunga dude!

8-Start a comic strip. Everyday put together a really poorly drawn comic of the events of your office, copy it and distribute to the cool guys at work. If you catch Chris down the hall jerking off, let everyone know through your hilarious drawings.

Speaking of which...

9-Masterbate. Always fun right?

10-Seduce the old assistant down the hall. She's homely. She's hasn't had a date in years. Start by a little casual flirting. Extend to veiled sexual advances. Don't forget suggestive emails. Sit back and wait for the sexual harassment suit to come flying in. This worked for Isiah Thomas...

If you follow these 10 pieces of advice, you soon will be entertained until you get fired. Enjoy Caren!

Patience is a virtue that I don't have

Everyone tell me patience is a virtue. It might be. I guess that doesn't make me very vitreous.

I have a really bad problem. I want everything. RIGHT NOW.

I hate waiting in lines, especially at the store. I try to figure the shortest one based on line size, items each person has, the competency and speed of the checkout person. I've got it down to a science.

I hate sitting in traffic. Shit, I hate driving in general. I want it to be the shortest trip possible, I have all these shortcuts and ways to eek out an extra couple of seconds on my drive time.

This lack of patience is especially apparent in my career. But there are no short cuts or ways to cut the waiting process. I've been waiting for months for my movie to be done to only have one thing or another set it back again and again. I've written five scripts that I haven't done shit with because I need a shot to pitch them and sell them that I am waiting for but still haven't been given.

I'm sure most people are like this, but I have a serious problem with being patient. How do you folks do it? I have no ideas...

Radiohead owns my soul

I'm a Radiohead junkie. I can't get enough of them. Thom Yorke is my God.

I've been waiting for their new album for what seems like a lifetime. They don't have a label, which meant that the album could be on the shelf indefinitely until they get one. I was pessimistic at best. Then I hear the good news...

Radiohead announced that they would not be signing with a label, that they are releasing the album on their own and posting their album online for donation to anyone who wants to download it. Donation? What does that mean right? Anything that you want to give for the album you can give for it. You think the album is worth 5 quid, go ahead and send that. You think its worth 60 dollars, send that along.

Are they crazy? Crazy like a fox if you ask me. They have such a huge fan base that people will give them money. I know I already did.

The band is offering a super fan kit of sorts for 80! bucks, which includes an extra enhanced CD filled with an albums worth of new songs, two records, a full book of art and photos and lyrics. Which I bought, since I am a super fan. A SUPER DUPER FAN.

Most other people might not dump that much money for one album right? But what would you pay for the download? If you're a cheap bastard, nothing. But if you like Radiohead, maybe as much as a normal CD right? Or if you hate record labels, even a few bucks more just to say screw you to the labels.

Radiohead doesn't have to share a cut of that money with anybody. They get it all. Fuck the labels, they take all the money for all the work that the band does anyway.

Radiohead is so shrewd, I wonder if more established bands are going to take this route. God it would be great if labels died a terrible death. They are part of the growing problem in the record industry that is taking a huge downswing. The labels have no idea how to handle the emerging Internet sales and downward spiral of selling actual CD units at stores.

Apparently, Radiohead has figured all of that out. Of course, I might be wrong (Radiohead song and title of this blog) I'm a junkie, maybe I'm drinking the Radiohead Kool Aide. Or maybe, there aren't enough people also tasting the sweet nectar themselves.

Sick Days

I have taken a couple days off. Sue me. I haven't been feeling well and I've had tons of stuff to do. Like not go to work the last two days.

Ever since the bout of super AIDS, (which I finally got rid of) I've been coughing, sneezing and blowing mucus through my nose. How much you ask? Wait, you don't want to know? Well, its been a lot.

It didn't help that on Sunday, I yelled at the Bears fans so much that I fucked up my voice. Ouch, so now I sound like a horse mucus machine. Fun times.

Sick days are the best. You get up, feel like crap, call in to work and plan your day around doing nothing. Nothing at all. Should I get up and take out the trash? Nope. Should I feed the fish? No way. Should I lay here in bed? Even that is asking too much.

I'm really bummed though, they haven't put Price is Right back on the air right? How am I going to get over this without some Bob Barker. Man I miss him. I guess I'll have to settle for some Bob Ross painting on PBS. That always gets the immune system flowing.